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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Step-Granny thoughts please?!

31 replies

TheQueensCousin · 18/02/2019 17:50

DH and I have been together 30odd years. I get on very well with his adult DC, my DSC. We also have adult DC of our own. One of my DSC has recently had a baby, the first in the family believe it or not, and obviously DH is Grandpa and our DC are aunty or uncle. Now he's the thing I haven't been given a change of title/status just thequeenscousin. This is apparently because that's what DSC have always called me.
In my family we've had step grandparents and have always respected them as such in that we call them Granny such and such or Grandpa such and such.
I feel a little hurt but maybe I'm overreacting as I do genuinely get on well with everyone.
I'd love pps thoughts or just to know what happens in your family.
Thank you x

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TheQueensCousin · 18/02/2019 17:56

*here's not he's!

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lippy72 · 18/02/2019 17:57

My kids call sm granny then her name same as all the other grannys currently they have four !

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PanamaPattie · 18/02/2019 17:57

My friend is a step-granny and the DC call her by her name ie Mary. This is because she is not the biology “Granny”. Everyone is fine with it.

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PanamaPattie · 18/02/2019 17:58

biological

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TheQueensCousin · 18/02/2019 17:58

Thank you lippy yes this is what we do/did in my family.

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CherryValance · 18/02/2019 17:59

I think in this case you have earned Granny. Especially as you will have always been a constant in the child's life. My boys have a step Grandad but he's been around since before they were born, is married to Grandma and involved, so he's Grandpa. It doesn't take anything away from their Grandad and other Grandpa. (Blood Grandpa also has a long term partner, and we gave her the option to be Grandma, she chose not to be. She couldn't be less interested though and they rarely see her)

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TheQueensCousin · 18/02/2019 18:01

Thanks Pattie, yes I accept that this is the done thing. I think that I'm just being over sensitive and I also come from an era where we didn't call adults by their first name.

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BlingLoving · 18/02/2019 18:02

Is the DSC mother on the scene? They may be trying to respect her feelings by not giving you a similar title to her. Can you just a different pet name? Maybe GrannyTheQueensCousin or just something completely different. I don't blame you for finding it a bit hurtful, but you can't really force this. And I assume the DSC haven't called you mum so upgrading your title might be weird?

DH' SM is just called by her name by us and the DC. Admittedly, she hasn't been around for as long and wasn't part of DH' life growing up. But it just wouldn't occur to us to call her Granny and I think everyone, especially MIL, would find it very uncomfortable even though there's no bad feeling between us and her?

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Musicalstatues · 18/02/2019 18:06

My dc call my dads wife grandma ‘first name’, this is the same as they address their bio grandmas. When my first dc was born my dad actually broached this and said if we wanted to just have them call her by her first name that was fine, and we did start off doing that but to be honest it felt weird and the grandma just got added in naturally by all of us. They’ve been married for 20+ years though, so although we’re not particularly close it is a long-standing relationship!

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oreosoreosoreos · 18/02/2019 18:07

DSS started calling my Dad grandad-name from a young age (so technically a step-grandad).

When my Dad got re-married 10 years ago DSS started calling his wife Granny-name. That's was DS calls them both too now.

I love my Dad's wife, but she is very much just that, not my step-mum, so I call her by her first name. She is, however, very much a granny-figure, and was delighted to be included in this way.

I've been in DSS's life since he was quite young, (referred to by him as Oreos), and I think I'd be quite hurt if I didn't get a granny role (or title ) when he has children!

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TheQueensCousin · 18/02/2019 18:07

Yes Bling she is and she even put a message in our Christmas card congratulating us on being grandparents too.
I'll just continue to be myself and to love the LO as a Granny. I suppose it's only a name and if our DC have babies I'll eventually be a Granny.

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BlingLoving · 18/02/2019 18:11

That's lovely Queen. And a good sign. You could ask DH to gently suss it out with his children? It's possible they don't want to overstep the mark.

DH SM and MIL aren't as friendly as that, but they are good enough around the grandkids. And SM is really good about deferring to MIL on the odd occasion we're all around them together.

You may also find the kids will give you a name anyway! I think that does happen quite a lot.

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IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 18/02/2019 18:12

There's no right answer here. Some families reserve grandparent titles for biological grandparents and others don't. Maybe your stepchildren's mum prefers it this way, maybe it just hasn't occured to them that you might want to be a granny. Can your DH not gently enquire?

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Letthemysterybe · 18/02/2019 18:17

My MILs husband is a grandad to my two. He’s not a step dad to my dh as him and MIL have been together less time than me and DH, but he is still a grandad by name and status and love from my kids!

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TheQueensCousin · 18/02/2019 18:19

Thank you everyone for your kind words, stories of experience and wisdom. You're a lovely lot. Our DC were upset for me so I think that this just wound me up even more. This old bird will just chug on as Queens and won't get too upset xx

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Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 18/02/2019 18:22

My DD calls DH step parents by their first names. They're not their grandparents. Same way he doesn't call them mum or dad.

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AnneLovesGilbert · 18/02/2019 18:29

I have a SM and DSC and they call her “granny her name” and my mum “granny her name”. It came entirely from them and I expect now it’s brrj established my baby will call both grannies the same things which everyone’s happy with. I’ve always called my SM just her name but more than happy for her to be a granny to my DSC and DC.

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FreiasBathtub · 18/02/2019 18:46

FIL's wife has a kind of portmanteau of her name and a name for 'granny', hard to describe without outing myself! It helps that DH's family have always made up their own names for grandparents, so both FIL and MIL have names that are specific to them (my parents are boring old granny and grandad).

FIL and his wife brought this whole question up quite openly before DD was born, I don't think it would have occurred to DH to raise it and I wasn't going to put myself in the middle of it! If they hadn't got this family tradition of inventing names for grandparents it may not have come up at all. You will know best, but if your relationship with DSS/DSD is good you might be able to ask them whether you could be granny name, or whatever you fancy. And as PP say, once the kid starts talking all bets are off! I bet they will come up with a special name for you of their own.

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Kintan · 18/02/2019 21:35

My DH's stepmum (who has been such since he was 8), is Grandma, but I guess if his biological mum was still alive, maybe she would have been Grandma, and my MiL would be called something else (although she probably wouldn''t have been my MiL in that case!). My DH and his siblings have always called her by her first name. Is your step-children's mother still around? Could it be that they are trying not to offend her, and have inadvertently caused you hurt?

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Coolaschmoola · 18/02/2019 21:37

My dad's wife has always been name to me, but to dd she is Nana. She loves dd, and it makes her happy, so why not.

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BonApp · 18/02/2019 21:42

You may find that the DGC create their own name for you, or question why you are not called Granny when they get a bit older.

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RainbowMum11 · 18/02/2019 22:33

I suggested granny name for my SM when DD was born but she doesn't appear to like it so is just name.
My SD however, is Grandpa.

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SandyY2K · 18/02/2019 23:31

My DC have a stepgrandma, FILS wife and they call her Aunty [her name]. We don't call older adults by their firstnames out of respect.

I don't think DH would like them calling her Grandma or Granny as that's for his DM, who passed on.

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Raisinbrain · 19/02/2019 00:42

My boys have two step-grannies and we call them both Grandma [name]

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T2705 · 19/02/2019 11:41

My kids call their step-grandparents nanny/grandad name the same as they do their bio grandparents. However, Ex MIL recently got with a new man, my kids (11 and 8) just call him by his name but I think my sisters in laws kids will eventually call him Grandad name as they are much younger and will have known him as a fixture in their lives a lot longer.

However, my DP's kids have never called either of his step parents Grandad/nanny and he was quite surprised when I mentioned it - he and his ex simply did not see it as something they would do. Yet DPs brother and his wife have recently had a baby and they are using grandad/nanny for all of the parents.

Horses for courses, as you say, treat the little one as you would a grandchild, its just a name, don't worry about it. I do think its a little harsh though considering how long you have been part of their lives.