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(16 Posts)
pearlx Sat 09-Feb-19 10:31:33

Hi I'm new to this so here goes

I am a mother of two 10 and 5, I have my own house with 3 bedrooms,
I have been with my boyfriend for a year now and get on so well, just found out we are expecting our first child together (totally shocked but happy)
He has a daughter who is also 5, lovely and kind and she really likes me too
He has just had to move out of his rented house recently due to landlord selling up, so gone back to his mum and dads
He has his daughter basically when he gets told to because his ex is very controlling and still speaks to him disrespectfuly, I was shocked when I seen it for my own eyes,
I told my bf that I was happy for his daughter to stay over at mine every other weekend with my children as they go to there dads one weekend and with me the next,
He has just started a new job also so cant just have her when she tells him and has asked for a set routine every other weekend and she kicked off and called him all kinds of names but has now agreed.
Anyway my point to this I'm really struggling at the moment and I feel like when ever he has his daughter his whole attitude/mood routine changes, he snaps at me for the slightest thing, but once's she's gone he's back to his normal self, I no it's stressful but im walking on egg shells my most recent weekend.......
I made all the children pizza and chips Friday night I went to the shop and left him with them all for 10 minutes, came back and the plate she had was put in middle of table untouched and was eating cereal, my kids had finished, his response after I asked why he's made her cereal when I just cooked her tea( well the oven did) she didn't want that!!
She then didn't want the cereal and asked for biscuits... he gave it to her.
Bedtime is always stressful, she never wants to go to bed, cry's and screams, so we have tried doing reward charts, he reads story's before beds and settles her but she gets out at least 50 times, I understand being unsettled in other people's houses that's why we have tried different tactics, I eventually said can I tuck her in after he was exhausted in the end so he said yes, I went in and had a little chat, told her about the party we was going to in the after noon so she needs lots of energy, she settled and seemed happy, I got back in bed for him to get out and say I'm going to give her a kiss and tuck her in.... I was shocked and said are you joking she is settled, then obviously by him going in made her start again arggggg
Also... I have also missed out that my kids are watching her get away with all this, my son who is also 5 gives up his room so that she can stay, they have a really good routine and are very good kids
After she stayed Saturday night I went in his bedroom to find poo all over floor, he said it wasn't her and tried to blame my son who hadn't even been near his bedroom, turned out it was her.
He says sometimes I'm just picking at him,
Whenever I have her on my own she's good as gold, and the minute he gets in the whole house goes chaos and no boundaries, anyway I will be here all day taking up all this thread but That is just a tiny part and one weekend of what it's like, seems like it's getting worse, I'm getting more stressed and dreading her coming sometimes( which I hate myself for saying)
Just can't help but worry and it definitely won't work once the baby comes.

OP’s posts: |
thefirst48 Sat 09-Feb-19 10:36:36

For now until your partner asserts himself with discipline he should see his daughter at his parents and not at you. You both need to be on the same page, time to sit down and tell him some home truths. It worries me what he would be like with your future child.

AnneLovesGilbert Sat 09-Feb-19 15:01:47

He needs to be at his parents for contact time with his daughter. He also needs a proper legal arrangement for when he has her if his ex is chopping and changing - but that’s up to him to sort out.

You’re two very different parents. It’s not fair on your children to see your DP letting his DD getting away with things you don’t let them do. He can parent how he chooses but not under your roof.

All 3 children have had a lot of change in a short time and throwing a baby into the mix within a year isn’t going to make anyone feel more secure and settled. Your sons need things to stay as much as possible how they’re used to so just tell DP you’re on different pages and he has to go back to having her at his mum and dad’s.

Had you planned for him to move in with you anytime soon? I wouldn’t.

Itsallpeachyfornow Sun 10-Feb-19 10:38:42

I understand this completely from your side and you dreading her coming is not a reflection on you being a bad stepmum but In fact a good one as you are trying to establish a routine and recognising that her moods change when dad is around.

Have you sat down and spoken to your partner about it when both calm?

If he does not understand I would tell him to parent her at his mum's house as you do not want your other children seeing all of this, also you are pregnant and do not need the added stress.

Congratulations by the way flowers

HeckyPeck Sun 10-Feb-19 11:19:19

I’d be thinking about ending this relationship OP.

I know you’re having a baby together which complicates things, but do you really want to spend your life with someone who snaps at you, accusing you of picking on a small child and will always leave your children feeling like the poor relations by letting his child get away with things and blame yours for things she does?

I don’t think people like that change.

You and your children deserve a happy, stress free home where everyone is treated fairly. I don’t see that happening with him sadly.

HeckyPeck Sun 10-Feb-19 11:20:26

Also meant to say that her behaviour will get worse and worse as he won’t give her boundaries.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon Sun 10-Feb-19 11:26:42

Been there op.
The best time of my marriage was the last day when I realised I would never have to deal with him /his ex /his dd and his lack of parenting. Nice kid but no chance of being nice with them 2 in her life unfortunately.
You need to take a step back. Living together is a very bad idea at this time.

TooTragicToBeFunny Sun 10-Feb-19 11:32:04

So to recap, you take it a man who’s ex broke up a young family because that was a better alternative than staying with him, assume she’s the villain and are then surprised when he turns out to be a useless parent and general all round arsehole?

Funny that. 🙄

PolarBearDisguisedAsAPenguin Sun 10-Feb-19 11:41:52

I can’t see this relationship lasting. I also think he needs to prioritise looking after his own child and you’ve already said she definitely can’t stay once your baby has been born, even though she will be part of your family.

HerondaleDucks Sun 10-Feb-19 12:05:52

Ask him to have contact at his mum's and have a serious conversation about why he behaves the way he does when she is around you.
You clearly care about the child and want to include her in your family. It's not her that's the problem, it's him.
I wouldn't let him move in unless you can resolve this, or you will resent his dd for his mood swings.
You and her seem to be caught in the middle of something larger.
I think you've done the best you can in a tough situation. These issues won't go away having a baby and I would want them resolved way before the new arrival. If not maybe consider living with him is not best for you and your children or even his dd.

Livelovebehappy Sun 10-Feb-19 16:29:03

The stress would only increase with 6 of you living in a three bedroomed house. Can’t he get himself another rental property for him and his dd? You both are poles apart in your parenting approach so it really isn’t going to work blending your families. In the space of a year his dd has had to get used to her DF having a new partner, as well as your DCs, and now a new baby on the horizon. And btw, don’t believe everything he tells you about the ex’s controlling behaviour. Usually ‘controlling ex’ means ex who is trying to establish routine for their child.

goldengummybear Sun 10-Feb-19 17:17:40

I would make sure that he never moved in with me as you are incompatible parenting wise. I could not be with a partner who didn't understand that rules and boundaries are a good thing. You risk your children misbehaving and resenting that there's one rule for them and another for their step sibling.

ScabbyHorse Sun 10-Feb-19 18:28:12

Sounds really difficult. I think you need to sit him down calmly and talk about his lack of boundaries with his daughter. Maybe he feels guilty or something and that's why he's indulging her. But if he doesn't agree that he needs to change his parenting then he'll have to see her at his parents. Also I doubt his ex is as bad as he's saying.

Itsallpeachyfornow Sun 10-Feb-19 19:26:52

Wow I certainly wouldn't be throwing in the towel as a lot of people are suggesting, this is your relationship and you are both having a baby. If we all just threw in the towel when times get tough it would be a lonely world
Try work through your issues and really discuss your options with him. Hope your ok by the way Xxx

SandyY2K Mon 11-Feb-19 00:44:46

Living together is a bad idea for your existing children. You sound like a good parent.

He hasn't got a clue and unless you sit down and discuss how you feel about the way he changes when his DD is around .... things will take a nosedive.

swingofthings Mon 11-Feb-19 05:18:54

It other circumstances, the response would be to run away but you have chosen to have a child with him. You owe that child to be to give it a try. It was always going to be hard since you've de ided to commit before you'd even moved in together. You didn't give it a chance to get to know him as a dad of his DD, let alone a sd to your children.

He set bad habits that he is now being picked up on. Just as this realisation is starting to stress you, hell be stress with the reality of what he threw himself into. You'll have to gldo in a few months what it takes couples in the sames circumstances years. You can do it though it will demand a lot of hard work, compromises and frustrations, but so would it be becoming a single mum again.

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