I would also like to know there's ever an end, or at least a significant lull, in contact from the ex when the kids reach later life. I'd like to think there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
My DH's ex sends him vicious, controlling, narcissistic messages. She tells him he's doing things wrong, tells him what we should be doing and how we should be parenting and how we should spend our weekends. It's calmed down, now it's every 4-5 days instead of daily, and she's passive aggressive or calmly controlling, instead of vicious (though she still has her moments. Two weeks ago she sent him some truly nasty texts because SD was poorly and he was in a training course without access to his phone, unable to take time off work to have SD so she could stay home from school, and the ex told him he "loved his job more than he loves his kids". That's not true, but his boss had only that week told him he had run out of parental leave, and that any further leave for a sick kid would result in DH losing his job - he's on probation). She responds to things the kids have overheard and fed back to her - like how she thinks our choice of wedding venue is laughable, and how she doesn't want the kids around me because she's concerned I can't cope (I'm currently in counselling for anxiety and depression - triggered by her nasty messages and the impact that has on my mental health. Nothing to do with the kids, they're awesome and I couldn't have asked for better SKids. The ex's attitude is the biggest stress in mine and DH's life.)
We've limited contact from our end; she's permanently muted on his phone, so it's not constantly dinging at us like a death nell. Now he only checks it at certain points of the day, and anything that isn't about the children and requires his actual input he doesn't respond to. However that doesn't mean it isn't hurtful.
He can choose to not share these messages with me, but that's not how we want our relationship to work; we share everything, the good and the bad, and support each other. I want him to be able to tell me when she upsets him - the counselling is for me to develop methods to process the hurt and anger she causes better (currently I worry, which escalates, then I lose sleep, stop eating, it impacts my concentrate and ability to work effectively). I hate that she has that sort of power over me, this woman I've only ever met long enough to say Hello to.
I used to look forward to a day when we could all get along amicably, and sit at SD's or SS's wedding together when they're adults, or share in their graduation - you know, big achievements in their lives. Now I simply can't imagine that, she's said such cruel and nasty things I won't ever see her as anything but a horrible person (I get her being nasty about me if she's bitter, but I don't get how she can be so horrid to DH, he's such a lovely guy, does his best for the kids and puts everyone else before himself.) Now I look forward to the kids turning 18 and her not contacting him about how they 'should' be spending their weekends or what they 'should' be spending their pocket money on, or whether they 'should or should not' be spending time with mine or DH's extended family, or that we 'should' be spend X hundred pounds on their presents, or where we 'should' be living for her convenience. God help us when we have a baby - which we are planning for - I can just imagine the messages we'll get about that... I truly hope it ends, or that time will give me the ability to not care about her.