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Meeting DP’s child - high-conflict Ex

(257 Posts)

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StarbucksPoo Sat 02-Feb-19 11:37:45

I have been with my DP for over six months now. My two kids (12 & 16) met him over two months ago and he spent Christmas with us. My side of things is going well and we are having lovely times together, all very relaxed and happy.

However... my DP is currently divorcing a high-conflict Ex, who is deeply unhappy about me and my kids meeting their Daughter (12). She’s been told unpleasant things about me - lies basically - and he’s been told by his Ex that he could damage his relationship with his Daughter if he allows her to meet us. She’s very manipulative. His Daughter seems confused and conflicted.

We are worried about the lies that his Ex is telling. She’s been saying stuff like he has a “new family now” and that he won’t be spending as much time with her etc. They had an argument in front of her and his Ex even said that he only wanted to “go and fuck” me and that he is “thinking with (his) dick”.

I think that my DP’s Daughter needs to see that we are a normal loving couple and that I have two lovely children... we wouid like to involve her in the family times we are having together at weekends. I think that the longer it’s all a mystery to her and her head is being filled with negativity, the worse it will be.

Can anyone offer advice about how to proceed with this?

OP’s posts: |
Ophiophagus Sat 02-Feb-19 11:41:00

Um, ditch the bloke with more baggage than heathrow until after the divorce and some time has gone by for everyone to adjust to their new worlds?

Or just carry on assuming your relaxed view and happy clappy fun fun is shared by everyone involved and what you want is best. Particularly for the child youve placed in the middle after a short six month fling.

Suspect it will be the latter in your case.

StarbucksPoo Sat 02-Feb-19 11:44:13

I’ll wait for a more balanced view I think hmm

OP’s posts: |
Ophiophagus Sat 02-Feb-19 11:50:11

Youre right.

What you should definitely do, is inflame an already difficult situation by involving the child right now now now. Because thats exactly whats needed here. And relating to a man youve known for less than a year. I mean, this cant wait, can it?

What you think and want trumps the ongoing difficult situation by miles! I can see youre putting others' interests before your own. Lovely to see.

ArnoldBee Sat 02-Feb-19 11:51:09

That was fairly balanced. To be honest this girl has got enough going on right now and it certainly wouldn't be a bad thing to let the divorce finish and to get on a even keel for everyone's sake.
Or you could go full steam ahead which by the sounds of things is not going to go well with all this toxicity.

FinallyHere Sat 02-Feb-19 11:53:01

Another vote for ditching him at least until his divorce has gone through. Playing happy families when he is in the process of divorcing is a bit of a bad idea to me.

Have a look at sook many threads in here where the new partner starts by thinking their new partner's ex is high maintenance and demanding , until they experience the same behaviour from that partner.

ButtonMoonLoon Sat 02-Feb-19 11:53:14

Let the dust settle and slow things down. It sounds to me as though everything has rushed full steam ahead-no way would I be introducing a new partner this soon.

PotteringAlong Sat 02-Feb-19 11:54:24

I think you need to slow down a bit. Spending Christmas with you and your daughters 16 weeks after you met is a bit full on and I can see why she’s pissed off about the whole new family thing after such a short amount of time

VimFuego101 Sat 02-Feb-19 11:55:24

I'd run like the wind, tbh. My DH has a ' high conflict ex' too, i wish I'd been on MN and read the step-parenting forum to see how things would likely pan out in a blended family.

ILoveMaxiBondi Sat 02-Feb-19 11:56:13

What’s the rush? If he is “the one” you’ll be with him the rest of your life so there’ll be plenty of time to meet her. Why do you need it to happen within months of meeting him? You’re not dating her! Leave it be. Let things settle. See how things pan out with him and you. It may not even last another 6 months.

Ophiophagus Sat 02-Feb-19 11:56:58

Hark! All these balanced views!!

Arnoldillo Sat 02-Feb-19 11:57:41

Tell your boyfriend to spend Xmas with his daughter instead of a woman he's known for 16 weeks.

Oops too late for that.

Sirzy Sat 02-Feb-19 11:59:03

6 months is still early days.

Wait until the divorce is sorted and the dust has settled. Then you can start thinking about introductions

Figgygal Sat 02-Feb-19 12:02:04

Seems pretty consistent advice here

StarbucksPoo Sat 02-Feb-19 12:04:47

I find it disappointing and depressing that the general consensus seems to be splitting up / waiting (erm usually about 18 months / two years) for a divorce to go through.

There must be other single parents out there who have been in this situation and managed, with sensitivity, to work through things, surely?

I haven’t put his Daughter in this situation

And am I really that bad for just wanting to be with another person and be happy? Really?

OP’s posts: |
StarbucksPoo Sat 02-Feb-19 12:05:45

His Ex took his Daughter away from him over Christmas and Nee Year - he had no choice and would have been on his own otherwise.

So judgemental...

OP’s posts: |
Ophiophagus Sat 02-Feb-19 12:06:48

Thats not the issue.

The issue is you are being selfish. Your last post confirms that with bells on.

Boo hoo hoo we have to wait until divorces and running-high emotions have settled down.

I cant read anymore of this. It makes me feel sick.

Dimsumlosesum Sat 02-Feb-19 12:06:56

Rushing a meeting with the kids after only 6 months of dating your boyfriend isn't always such a great thing for the kids. Great for you guys - not so much always for children. Speaking from experience. There's no need to rush everything. 6 months is very soon.

Sirzy Sat 02-Feb-19 12:07:00

You are putting his daughter in this situation by pushing things so early on.

ILoveMaxiBondi Sat 02-Feb-19 12:07:43

I find it disappointing and depressing that the general consensus seems to be splitting up / waiting (erm usually about 18 months / two years) for a divorce to go through.

Are you not accustomed to waiting for things? We’re you spoiled as a child and given everything as soon as you wanted it? Otherwise I don’t understand your reaction to very sound advice. What on Earth are your objections to taking things slowly and allowing the dust to settle in his divorce? Other than “I want it all NOW” <foot stamp>

StarbucksPoo Sat 02-Feb-19 12:08:33

The judgemental attitude and lack of support for other parents on Mumsnet these days is astounding.

I’ve been using Talk for 16 years. This is just depressing.

OP’s posts: |
Sirzy Sat 02-Feb-19 12:09:29

Yup I will judge someone who puts their own desire before the needs of a child who is going through a shit time as it is

Moussemoose Sat 02-Feb-19 12:10:34

I think it is the 'glee' in the tone of some posters that is depressing.

It's a difficult, complex issue and the OP wanted different opinions.

The joy of some posters in putting down the OP reflects very badly on them.

StarbucksPoo Sat 02-Feb-19 12:11:23

So, given that so don’t want to split up with this man, we just have to wait and allow his Ex to fuck with his DD’s mind and lie to her for another 18 months. And then unpick all the damage afterwards? Is that the best we can do?

OP’s posts: |
StarbucksPoo Sat 02-Feb-19 12:12:05

Thank you Moussemousse xxx

OP’s posts: |

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