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His family are still in touch with his ex

(29 Posts)
PastaCake Fri 01-Feb-19 21:02:00

I've tried to search to find a thread on this but I'm fairly new here so if anyone wants to point me in the right direction please do!

My partners sister and brother-in-law are still in touch with his DCs mother. Not just facebook friends, but they'll drive a couple of hours so the cousins can meet up. This is despite the fact we are nearer so it would be easier for them to come and meet up when the DCs are with us.

I have told my OH it's up to them if they want to meet up but he is concerned as he's spent the last 4-5 years getting the children used to the idea that their parents are no longer together and there's Daddy's family and Mummy's family.

Anyway, I guess I'd like to know what you think about this, do you think it's confusing for the children? Its affected my relationship with his sister as I feel I can't be as open about things in case it gets back to their mum but I can cope with that.

OP’s posts: |
Maybe83 Fri 01-Feb-19 21:06:00

Dh and I have one child each and a child togwther.
My dh mam still speaks to his ex and she visits. She s visited while we are there with her other child.

I have no issue. I still speak to my dd grandmother send Christmas/birthday presents and have visited her with our dd.

Neither of us has good relationships with our ex's.

None of that means our children think we are less of a family or ANY less broken up with their other parent.

Weezol Fri 01-Feb-19 21:10:02

If I'm understanding this, the children's Uncle and Aunt visit and bring their cousins?

What's wrong with that?

PastaCake Fri 01-Feb-19 21:21:12

I think OH is just feeling hurt because instead of coming to see the children when they are with him they drive even further to see them with his ex. And he only found out from the children so feels they've been a bit sneaky with it.

I feel like it's perfectly fine but he seems to think they will get confused as he's previously had to explain to them why he isn't invited to their Mum's family's gatherings and the other way around so in his mind the two families need to be seperate. However I see it that they can see whoever they want and the children will be well aware mum and dad aren't together there's no need for everyone to not speak to each other.

OP’s posts: |
mummmy2017 Sat 02-Feb-19 09:39:35

Guilt as charged.
Very involved with his side of family.
I like them, why should I give up my children's family just because we split up.

Baby1onboard11 Sat 02-Feb-19 13:03:00

I actually think it’s lovely they still include his ex and make the effort to see the kids. But I do also think I would be a bit hurt if they never bothered when the kids were with you too.

Have you ever reached out? Also does the ex have any family? Besides being a nice thing, they may just worry she might feel lonely or excluded. As long as the kids are happy everyone wins

FromDespairToHere Sat 02-Feb-19 13:07:06

"Mum's family" and "Dad's family" is a horrible idea imo. They're all "DC's family." His attitude is probably why his

I do not have a good relationship with my ex but I went to a couple of his family's weddings with my DD when she was younger because they're her family.

FromDespairToHere Sat 02-Feb-19 13:08:40

Sorry, posted instead of looking at the OP so my first paragraph ends in the middle of nowhere!

Was trying to say that his attitude is probably why his sister has gone behind his back to do this.

user1493413286 Sat 02-Feb-19 13:11:13

I can see it from both sides with his family trying to keep things friendly etc but as a stepmum I’d feel the same way as you do

SummerGems Sat 02-Feb-19 13:16:46

Family relationships don’t have to end just because a couple relationship does. After all most people have independent relationships with their ILs away from the partner during the relationship don’t they? So why should this change?

And the idea of daddy’s family and mummy’s family is horrible.

FWIW my ILs are lovely people who I have a good relationship with. They come to visit us when they visit ex, they ring to speak to me occasionally and my dp was recently able to help them out with regards to a very difficult time they were going through.

We don’t discuss my ex and his dp or the past or any of that stuff, I have no need to involve myself in gossip about the ex - why would I? My relationship is with them and not him.

And it’s worth saying to dp that it’s not “mummy’s family and daddy’s family” because it’s “their family.” Iyswim. So it can be their family on mummy’s side or daddy’s side but there’s no need for confusion on their part as the family is all “theirs”.

Ellapaella Sat 02-Feb-19 13:32:04

I am a stepmum and I my eldest son also has a step family.
My husbands family are on good terms with his ex and see her a few times a year with my stepdaughter - I can't imagine why I (or my DH) would object to this, we aren't there at the time we just spend time with his family with his daughter at a different time. I think it's nice that my in laws have maintained a relationship with her for their granddaughters sake.
I have also stayed on good terms with my Ex's family and have taken my son down to visit them on a few occasions and they have been to see me too. It's really not about trying to upset the ex, it's just about staying amicable for the kids sake and ensuring the kids stay part of a big family and maintain those relationships.
I can see why you feel a bit insecure about it but I think maybe you are taking it a bit too personally. If your DP is feeling excluded by his own family then that's really up to him to tell them how he feels.

Anuta77 Sat 02-Feb-19 15:51:03

I'm also on good terms with my ex's sister despite my ex not even being involved with my son. I knew her for years before we split up and she's a good person and someone extra who loves my son.

If children are confused, it might be because they are very young, things will get clearer with time.

You say that your P's sister doesn't visit him? But maybe all you have to do is to invite them? She might have been on very good terms with the ex, so they enjoy spending time together and probably one or the other invite each other. If it's not about competition, but you would like to see your SIL more, just invite her.

PastaCake Sat 02-Feb-19 18:29:21

Thanks for all your replies and lots of useful suggestions. I did try to explain that trying to describe it as two seperate families isn't the same as Dad's side of the family and Mum's side as to them it's one family. I might try one more time and then i guess it's up to him really. I can't see the problem with them meeting up and I have suggested if he wants to meet up more he should just ask more! Thanks again for your advice smile

OP’s posts: |
RolandDeschainsGilly Sat 02-Feb-19 18:32:00

Meh. My sister and her DH see my ex regularly. We split up 7 years ago, have 2DC together. They get on well. I get on well with ExDP too so it doesn’t bother me at all. ExDP sees them more than I do due to him and BIL and sharing a hobby.

Livelovebehappy Sat 02-Feb-19 22:05:12

When married you often form strong bonds with your DHs immediate family. They become an extension of your own family. If the marriage breaks down, and families don’t take sides, I think it’s inevitable that those strong relationships continue because you have had shared experiences and just because you are no longer with DH it doesn’t mean you should cut his family out of your life. It’s good for the DCs too. My ex Sil is still one of my closest friends.

anniehm Sat 02-Feb-19 22:09:03

It depends I suspect to how long you were together, I've known my in laws for over half my life, if we split why shouldn't I continue to have a relationship with them. Being sneaky about it isn't right, but there's nothing wrong with cousins meeting up etc

ILoveMaxiBondi Sat 02-Feb-19 22:09:57

I still visit my exMIL (well we weren’t married but it’s the easiest descriptor of our relationship) and she’s visits us. My children’s cousins have been here too, they still call me aunty and we all buy each other Xmas gifts etc. I think it’s nice we can do that tbh. There was a time when we couldn’t.

Hassled Sat 02-Feb-19 22:14:49

It's not about the cousins meeting up - the fact they could see the cousins at yours isn't a factor. They drive to see her because they have a relationship with her and like her - and that's fine. I understand exactly that the default is to see her as some sort of threat but it really needn't be like that - if you like them and they like her, chances are she's a nice person. That can only be a good thing in the minefield that is co-parenting.

SavoyCabbage Sat 02-Feb-19 22:24:33

I think it’s great. They must like her and it’s lovely for all of the dc.

If my siblings marriages broke down I’d still want a relationship with their spouses. I like them and they have been in my life for years.

SandyY2K Sun 03-Feb-19 01:38:14

I still see my ex SIL. My DB is remarried.

I see her without the DC... as we see them when with my DB.

I don't know how my new SIL feels about it, but it's not her business.

T2705 Mon 04-Feb-19 10:30:14

Being in a similar position, I can see both sides here. I still get on well with my ex's family, I see my ex SIL's to catch up semi regularly and I chat to all of them if dropping/collecting kids from family events. They also do sometimes all help me out with childcare in the holidays (because obviously childcare is MY problem - nothing to do with exH but thats another story!) That said, I don't get invited (nor would attend) family parties, BBQs, weddings etc I just send my love/best wishes/whatever because I am not actually part of the family anymore.

DPs ex attends all family parties and functions and DPs siblings make more effort to see her when she has the DC than they do when we have them, which DP finds hurtful, he of course doesn't have a problem with anyone maintaining a relationship with her but when his siblings are always too busy to see us but each make time to go and see the ex it does feel like a bit of a kick in the teeth so I totally understand your OH's feeling upset.

I do think its good for the children to see everyone get on though so its just yet another one of many things that we have to just take on the chin for the greater good! As someone else suggested, maybe try reaching out to the SIL and try to arrange dates for you to all see each other in addition to the trips to visit Ex. Sadly, this doesn't appear to be working for me but you may have better luck!!!

SuziQ10 Mon 04-Feb-19 10:39:36

I don't think it's wrong of them at all.
Surely they have developed a friendship with this woman over the years her and your partner were together. The children enjoy spending time together and perhaps the adults do too.
I think when you commit to a relationship with a person who has previously been in a serious relationship, with children involved you have to accept that their ex will be in all of your lives to some extent.

If my niece's mother became an 'ex' she would still be part of our family, I wouldn't stop contact if she wanted to remain in touch with me. I have known her years and invested a lot into our friendships.

stuffedpeppers Mon 04-Feb-19 10:51:40

As my Exs family said - we have known you for 20 yrs - we are friends independent of him and the OW.

He can be with who he likes but they do not get to dictate who we are friends with.

They have been a huge support to me over the past 5 yrs - they are my family. Ex fought it because OW was not happy, now they have split up -he phones me to ask what we are getting his mother for her birthday etc, it is so much more healthy for the DCs and both of us.

Weepingwillows12 Mon 04-Feb-19 10:58:36

I think it depends on the circumstances of the split. If your dps ex cheated on him or behaved badly then meeting up is more awkward. If it was amicable or your dps fault then I don't think it's a big deal for them to maintain a friendship.

Lamentations Mon 04-Feb-19 11:02:56

If DH and I split up MIL would still be my best friend and I would still spend time with her. DH would have to fuck off if he took issue with it.

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