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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Handing over DSC

33 replies

worriedandstressedAAA · 30/01/2019 13:31

DSC are 15 and 13 and are with us 50 % of the time. DH still picks them up and drops them off at their mum's house rather than then getting the tube or bus (we live in London and it's a 30-40 minute journey). At which point can I expect DSC to come and go by themselves? They travel to school by themselves on the tube so just seems a bit off that DH still does formal pick-up and drop offs.

OP posts:

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ladybee28 · 30/01/2019 13:46

Does it impact you?

worriedandstressedAAA · 30/01/2019 13:52

Kind of.

OP posts:

ILoveMaxiBondi · 30/01/2019 13:54

Their father possibly enjoys the 40 minute journey to catch up with them every few days. Why do you need it to stop?

babysharkah · 30/01/2019 13:55

How does it impact you?

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 30/01/2019 13:58

Ds's lived between 2 homes. Lift over for bus back from about 12+14. Own choice. Except school runs when I dropped off.
30 miles to df's and 25 to school.
At 13+15 I am sure they roam happily with friend's when it suits!!
Not your place to tell dh to stop lifts though.
Would suggest cash incentives to being more self sufficient are always received positively though.

worriedandstressedAAA · 30/01/2019 14:35

Doesn't impact massively but just wondered how long it would continue. I would never ask/suggest it should stop! The impact means I am left with 3 other DC during that time and that the afternoon has to be planned around DH making the 1.5 hour round trip.

OP posts:

lunar1 · 30/01/2019 14:39

I image it will continue for as long as he and his children want it to. Given that there are three other children at home they might enjoy 40 mins of their dad to themselves.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 30/01/2019 14:41

The impact means I am left with 3 other DC during that time

I assume these are your children? And you can manage 90 minutes alone with your own children?

daduck · 30/01/2019 14:42

Are the other children yours?

Do the kids have stuff to schlep from house to house? Bags and the like?

It gives them time with their dad on their own, and often it's easier to talk to teens in the car, when they're stuck there and you're not looking at them it's all kind of side on.

ladybee28 · 30/01/2019 14:55

wondered how long it would continue. I would never ask/suggest it should stop

If you're genuinely just curious, it's probably best to ask your DP, rather than us, no?

Drogosnextwife · 30/01/2019 14:57

Dear God he is leaving you for an hour and a half with your other children to drop his kids back home, selfish prick, doesn't he realise that's not on. LTB!

Melon6412 · 30/01/2019 14:57

You sound quite petulant.

That time is probably important for the 3 of them in the car. The 2 children essentially have their Dad for 40 odd minutes, just them and they probably don't even realise the importance of that time, but will appreciate those memories when they're older.

Perhaps their father doesn't want them taking the tube to his house and would rather pick them up and bring them back safely, school is a different story.

What do you do when you have to be alone with 3 children all the other times that he is not there? Surely you just get on with it. Furthermore, if you ever split up, would you be happy as their Mum if his new partner started whining about the fact that he wants to pick up and drop the children off?

Kudos to him for making the effort with them. Heaven forbid you have to be a sole parent for 40 odd minutes.

negomi90 · 30/01/2019 14:58

It stops when dsc and their dad want it to stop. The teens I know can all get around independently, they still get lifts when grown ups can do it. Its being nice and thoughtfull
I'm an adult, when I visit my dad he'll often walk me home. That's his choice.
There's a lot of important bonding which happens in cars/travelling. Plus its a mental transition from one parent to the other. For your dh - from having his kids at home to not.
This is not something to quibble over.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/01/2019 14:59

It’ll carry on as long as he and they want it to I suppose. Is he happy doing it?

My DH does all pick ups and drop offs, sometimes I go with him if we’re all off somewhere after. No public transport options here so even though my DSC are much younger he’ll be doing the driving till they have their own cars I expect.

Giesabreak · 30/01/2019 15:16

At which point can I expect DSC to come and go by themselves?

You should set yourself any expectations. My DS is 14 and we live a 15 walk from his dads/SM, but we all still do a lot of picking up/dropping off.

He's at an age where interaction with him is a bit hit and miss, so the car is a good time for catching up, just us, or just them.

If there's 5 kids in your house, I imagine that can be quite chaotic at times, so the travelling is their guaranteed time with their dad. The kids living with you both full time have far more opportunities for that, I'd imagine.

Giesabreak · 30/01/2019 15:17

*Shouldn't set yourself any expectations

swingofthings · 30/01/2019 17:37

My dcs took the train on their own, 30mns, when they were 9 and 12. It happened when I decided I didn't want all the drive and longer and I deemed them capable of travelling on their own. Does your OH do so because he wants to (he might welcome the time away from the buzz of family), or because he thinks his kids can't travel alone or because they enjoy that short time with just the three of them

I expect it is the former or the latter but he won't tell you so because it would upset you.

NorthernSpirit · 30/01/2019 18:03

I have 2 SDC (now 10.5 & 13.5) they aren’t ‘allowed’ by their mum to take public transport on their own (she deems it too dangerous) and why would they get it when their dad offers a taxi service? My OH does all drop offs and pick ups (always has).

Personally I look forward to the day they can do the odd journey on their own to take some of the stress of driving off their dad (with all their weekend activities he spends circa 7 hours driving them around and he’s shattered by Sun eve).

Not holding my breath though. It seems kids expect to be taxied around.

worriedandstressedAAA · 30/01/2019 19:59

He has loads of 1-1 time with them as he travels with them to school, takes his son to football Saturday am, 1-1, whilst I have 3 DCs. In fact he has way more 1-1 with them than I have with my kids. I would say he is doing it as he wants the time with them, not because he wants to "escape" our family, at all (ridiculous suggestion!) We have a DS1, 6 months, who he adores. It's also possibly so that he can handover away from our house and have a catch-up with ex about DSC etc. Who knows. I guess I just thought they would be more independent by now and come/go of their own accord rather than a formal handover/return.

OP posts:

NorthernSpirit · 30/01/2019 21:47

Same here @worriedandstressedAAA

‘Formal’ contact schedule in place here (has been for the last 6 years). Mother won’t flex - not even drop off / pick up times and my OH has to do all drop offs pick ups (or he’s accused of being a pathetic father). I should add she won’t ‘allow’ any more contact. In order to gain it my OH has had to take the request to the court.

Latest from the EW..... she’s kicking off that the ‘contact’ schedule for the year ahead hasn’t been agreed. Oldest is almost 14 and EW wants a rigid schedule agreed 12 months in advance (which can not be flexed according to her). I also hoped at this age (now almost 11 & 14 DSC) the kids would be a little more independent and have a say.

Blendingrock · 31/01/2019 01:09

As others have said, it's up to your DH and what feels comfortable for him and the kids.

We also have 5 kids. We have one who's nearly 21 and flatly refuses to get on a bus for any trip longer than 20 minutes, and another who at 16 was quite happy to get a bus between cities on their own. Our situation was a little different tho in that when SK's were younger it was mostly me doing the drop offs and pick ups simply because of DH's work commitments and the fact that his ex does not drive. Even then, as Negomi pointed out, this was good bonding time as often being "trapped" in a car for an hour or so tends to make talking easier somehow.

I wouldn't worry too much about it. These things tend to resolve themselves. For now your DH and his kids are enjoying the time together and if it were me, I'd be making the most of it too. They grow up far too quickly and before you are quite ready, they're off doing their own thing (often without telling you where they are/when they'll be back) and only come home to eat, sleep, eat and depart again!

Ferro5by5 · 31/01/2019 06:51

It might not just be about the practicality, but rather an emotional thing. I’m well into my 30s and my dad will still insist on picking me up and dropping me off when I visit, even if it’s far more practical for me to just get public transport. It’s still where we have some of our best conversations and is just a really nice bookend to a visit.

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WhiteCat1704 · 31/01/2019 08:40

Do you get 1.5hr 2x per week to yourself when he takes care of the younger 3? That would be a key for me...

Giesabreak · 31/01/2019 10:07

And if she doesn't, what do you suggest @WhiteCat1704?

WhiteCat1704 · 31/01/2019 12:43

Giesabreak I suggest she talks to her partner and they agree he will give her the same amount of break/personal time he is getting.

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