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Step family, rtw and young baby. Sharing the load.

(42 Posts)
Spanglyprincess1 Mon 28-Jan-19 09:12:43

Hello, how do you guys split the load? I'm rtw next week and baby is 7 months old, I'm going back to work early as I'm earn more so can't cope without me at work.
Baby sleep is a nightmare still despite HV help and he's up four times in the night , his last wake at four ish am sees him up for two or three hours before settling again.
The current plan is baby will go to childminder one day, with dp (self employed) two days and then with me rest of the week. This was agreed when I was preganbt. Im doing compressed hours so three very long days.
Dp seems to think that I should continue to do all the night feeds/wakings every day of the week despite rtw. I feel we should split it so on days he is not working he should do them and I will do the rest. He dosnt think he should as he has school run on those day for his other children (baby will be going with him) and wants to do some extra work at night on days he has the baby. I can't just lie in like he can if he chosen and move my hours around which he does do, mine are fixed and I have to work when scheduled.
Is it normal to expect night waking to be split when rtw?

OP’s posts: |
avocuddl Mon 28-Jan-19 09:41:49

Bloody hell of course you should share the night wakings! He's being totally unreasonable!!

Doing compressed hours is hard you're going to be knackered anyway without 4 wakings a night. I hope he realises how unfair he's being and starts to help

AnneLovesGilbert Mon 28-Jan-19 11:43:45

No, he's being ridiculous.

Spanglyprincess1 Mon 28-Jan-19 12:11:44

What's a normal share then, load wise with baby? He's good ref housework and I generally do everything baby related (he will if asked but otherwise not really as I'm on mat leave currently). He mentions having the other children but I can't see that it should impact him doing his share with baby. I do all the cooking for everyone and often look after the other children if he's working (I don't do school runs though etc unless he's unwell).

OP’s posts: |
Faerie87 Mon 28-Jan-19 14:58:48

I’m rtw in March, looking to do three days and alternate Saturdays, if work will allow it!

Anyways my little girl will be 9 months by then and she still does not sleep through, so I feel your pain!

My other half has said that he would split the night feeds on days we have both got work, but he can’t settle her like I can! It’s so annoying he gets fed up after about half an hour and then places her in her cot crying saying that we will now try the cry it out method! I’m like er..no so then I end up doing it anyway! Then I go back to bed where he is snoring his head off!

I’m trying to get my little girl into a routine of having daytime naps in her cot so she’s more used to being in it, it does seem to help as after doing that she only wakes once unless she is ill. Does your little one nap during the day at all? Also give your OH a boot up the backside and tell him he’s doing a night feed. You shouldn’t be the only one looking after your little one! Xx

HeckyPeck Tue 29-Jan-19 21:32:16

He’s been really unreasonable! You’re not even asking him to do half (which would be the fair amount) but just 2 if I’m reading your post correctly? And he can’t even be arsed to do that.

He’s being really selfish!!

Spanglyprincess1 Tue 29-Jan-19 21:48:28

Yep two nights Monday and Tuesday nights , the full night though. I really get that dp has to work too but I am anxious.
I'm starting to worry about how I will cope and babys first Sint with the childminder went badly due to him being upset and coming home early.

OP’s posts: |
Spanglyprincess1 Tue 29-Jan-19 21:49:45

Also he's does X3 20 min naps only in day. He's a pest regarding sleep. He's very happy generally but not a sleeper!

OP’s posts: |
HeckyPeck Wed 30-Jan-19 18:06:27

I hope he starts sleeping better soon 🤞🏻

I can’t believe that he thinks you doing over double the amount he does is unfair for him.

You’re both going to be working so he can’t use that as an excuse. Plus it sounds like you’ll be doing most of the baby related things still.

I’d go back to him and say “I’ve been thinking and you’re right, you doing 2 nights and me doing 5 isn’t fair, we can do alternate nights so it’s 50/50.”

My friend and her husband did it so one was ‘on shift’ until 1/2am then the other took over so they both got a block of sleep every night.

Spanglyprincess1 Wed 30-Jan-19 21:28:02

The on shift thing sounds a good idea as I get up very early for work. He suggested that too but he meant on the two nights he do the one am waking and I do the rest, not splitting it throughout the week.
He says we will just have to fudge our way through but I'm nervous that I will end up struggling with work.

OP’s posts: |
museumum Wed 30-Jan-19 21:32:18

We split each night in half. I went to bed early (9) and got up for the 4am wake dh stayed up late (1am) and sleep till 8am.

HeckyPeck Thu 31-Jan-19 17:31:12

I don’t think fudging it is a good plan as I bet by that he means you do it all then when you complain he’ll fob you off do it for a night or two then be back to you doing it all.

I think you need to be firm from the outset that he’s on shift x o’vlock to y o’clock every night and you take over a y (or vice versa)

If he pretends not to hear the baby when it’s his turn (a common tactic!) then loudly say “it’s your turn” Don’t be tricked into doing it all, that would be completely unfair!

aethelgifu Thu 31-Jan-19 17:35:28

Dp seems to think that I should continue to do all the night feeds/wakings every day of the week despite rtw.

Of course he does. Because he's a punk arse who believes babies are women's work. Tell him to pull the other one. Be firm, you split it. Oh, and you need to find a way to NOT be in the room or even the house with the baby on your nights off as he'll pretend not to hear the baby.

HavelockVetinari Thu 31-Jan-19 17:37:22

He sounds like a shirker of the laziest, most entitled kind. So fucking what it he has to do the school run? You've been chronically sleep-deprived for 7 months now! And you're going to be working full time! He needs to step up. You could share the nights though - every night half and half? That way you'd both get a proper 4-hr chunk of sleep (this is what DH and I do, it was tough for him at first but we powered through coz he's not a lazy CF)

aethelgifu Thu 31-Jan-19 17:48:45

You will probably soon discern why he and his ex split up. hmm Sadly it's very common when you go out with a man who has kids already.

Spanglyprincess1 Thu 31-Jan-19 17:51:02

He's very good with his kids, but struggles with younger ones tbf and he admits it. He's better with older kids than babies and toddlers

OP’s posts: |
aethelgifu Thu 31-Jan-19 17:58:20

He's very good with his kids, but struggles with younger ones tbf and he admits it. He's better with older kids than babies and toddlers

Then why did he have more kids? I mean, FFS, I didn't particularly enjoy the toddler stage with mine but it's part of parenting so you have to suck it up. He doesn't struggle with babies and toddlers, he's just too lazy to want to the do the parenting that's involved at that stage. What a catch!

I'd have presented the split as a fait accompli. You are doing these nights and I'm doing these.

The end.

He'll pull the 'I didn't hear' stunt.

Spanglyprincess1 Thu 31-Jan-19 18:55:10

Some people prefer kids at different stages, lots of peopl struggle with teenagers for example but that doesn't mean they are a bad person for it.
My preference is split nights in half for whole week as I'm an early bird n he isn't so should work

OP’s posts: |
timeisnotaline Thu 31-Jan-19 19:02:45

I don’t think it’s struggling with babies to refuse to care for them, it’s just selfish jerk behaviour. If you had older children and were doing school runs do you think he’d be doing nights because you had school runs? I didn’t think so.
Tell him that of course no mum ever had to do school runs after night wake ups and these are the nights he’s doing.

aethelgifu Thu 31-Jan-19 19:23:07

Not being an adult about parenting makes someone a pretty shit parent. Your splitting will never work because he CBA'd and thinks it's your work. But hey, you chose him.

Spanglyprincess1 Thu 31-Jan-19 19:34:48

Thank you for the helpful advise.
Aethelgifu- there is no need to be rude or uphelpful. He's a good dad to the kids, esp his older ones. This may not have been your expirence but it isn't mine.
He tries but sometimes need a steer that's all.

Splitting it would work best for me so we will try that.

OP’s posts: |
Anuta77 Fri 01-Feb-19 03:22:52

I find that many men are selfish when it comes to caring about small children and arguing often doesn't work. I seem to have better resistance for lack of sleep, so I just wake up myself, but if I feel tired during the day, I just tell him (nicely but with a sad tired face) that I have a headache and I can't cook (or any other of "my" chores) today. Can he watch the baby while I lay down (or cook or any other chore)? Or if he wants something, just say "I'm sorry baby, I have a headache, I guess it's because I never seem to get enough sleep". This might inspire him to be there for you a bit more.
Now mine learnt to take our son in the morning on weekends, while I stay in bed and try to catch up on sleeping.

TeddyIsaHe Fri 01-Feb-19 03:47:49

Imagine if mums were like that! She tries, but needs a steer. Fucking hell I’m sick to death of shitty fathers getting away with it because their partners pick up the slack.

I feel sorry for you op, he sounds useless and you’re blind to it. What a way to live hey?

Gemmalindley Fri 01-Feb-19 17:00:42

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

HeckyPeck Fri 01-Feb-19 17:08:36

Splitting it would work best for me so we will try that.

I hope it works out OP. Stay firm about 50:50!

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