This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
Hi everyone I am new on here. I have been racking my brain for months now and it's getting to the point I don't no what to do no more. I have been with my partner over a yr now and he has 1 child an 10 yr old boy and I have 3 boys 2 of them are twins 8 yr old and my eldest son is 11. At first they all got on great but for the last few months things have gotten worst my partners son is very mard he crys if he doesnt get his own way very cocky in front of his own family and is very sneaky. My 3 sons are boystrouse typical boys but when it comes to discipline my partners son gets away with it he tells him off then 5 mins later he is cuddling and kissing him while my boys are still on there punishment. It's getting to the point now my kids are noticing the difference. At the moment where it stands we have separated them meaning I don't see my partner when he had his son and I have mine but it's effecting our relationship . What do i do. It's getting to the point where his son doesn't even want to share him with me. Please any advise
From my limited experience, boys are hideous at 10 or 11. One of ours turned from cheeky cheerful loving boy to a creature that communicated in grunts, lied through his teeth, deliberately wound up his sisters to the point of tears or fists then denied all knowledge EXCEPT when DP was around then he was a little angel, which of course meant that DP didn't see the behaviour or wrote it off as "boys being boys" whilst coming down like a ton of bricks on the others for doing the same thing. Drove me insane and it took a while for him to see the effect it was having on his son, and on the rest of the family.
For you, of course DP's son doesn't want to share his Dad with you because that means he isn't the center of attention and has to behave. He's not stupid, he knows he's got his Dad wrapped round his little finger, and that's not healthy.
I'd have a quiet, non confrontational word with your DP about the need for you both to be on the same page with regard to discipline, and that any discipline handed out had to be fair to everyone, and applied to everyone equally. Point out to him that if he allows his son to get away with things that he punishes others for it sets a dangerous precedent. In a very short space of time his son will be doing exactly what he likes and your DP will be wringing his hands wondering what went wrong and why his darling boy has turned into a selfish manipulative young man who doesn't give a toss about anyone but himself. Also, ask him how he'd feel if the boot was on the other foot, and is he aware that preferential treatment will mean that any respect your children have for him will disappear AND you will resent it on their behalf which will totally undermine your relationship.
How he responds to your conversation will tell you what you need to do next. If he's open to listening and changing how he deals with his son, your relationship has a future. If he won't, then as much as I hate to say it, it's not likely to last the distance.
You've already showing the signs of you thinking your boys are better kids than his and vice versa and this is starting to affect their own feelings for each other. You say your boys are boisterous, but it's OK because it's normal boy thing. Your OH probably doesn't agree, nor his son. His boy is cocky and prone to tantrums, his dad probably thinks it's nothing more than normal pre-teen behaviour.
You have three options: you talk AND listen and try to come up with cla compromise where you can both see your own children as less perfect and the other kids as less disruptive and agree disciplining on this basis. Or you continue as you are now, not perfect but it's keeping each other together; or accept the relationship is going nowhere and go your separate ways.
Yes I have had a talk with him about this. I did say it needs to change he agrees but doesn't do nothing about it he thinks it's not his son but even his family agrees that he is to soft with him .
I think it’s time to walk away. You've already spoken to him and he’s not going to change. His son’s behaviour will just get worse and I wouldn’t want to be around to watch that. Plus you have to prioritise yourself and your kids.
Do you live together?
And how often does your DP see his son?
How often does he see your DC?
He doesn't live with me he lives with his mum but stays alot he sees his son 3 nights a week and he sees mine 3 nights a week
I had similar when me and exh had dd's - his was 2,and mine were 1+3. Got worse over the years, best day was when he moved out tbh.
Unless you have similar parenting styles - especially regarding behaviour - you are wasting your time - and putting all the dc through an unfeasible situation.
Time to end it ime op.
If you don’t live together then my advice is to separate the children’s time together and continue to focus on yourselves as a couple.
Let him be the parent to his son at his mums. And you parent your DC. Then focus on your relationship. A year is hardly any time to be together and children add a lot of pressure to a relarionship.
If you build foundations as a couple and learn to discuss these things and find a compromise that works for everyone, then you have a chance.
Your kids are going to throw a lot at you in the teen years. They will play one another off against each other (my DC do it to each other all the time), and unless you as a couple are rock solid. Able to discuss and teach compormises then this doesn’t have a sustainable future. I’ve been with my DP for 3 years and we are still working through these sorts of issues and keep the DC’s apart a fair bit while we figure out what parenting together looks like.
I’d suggest you do the same.
Thank you for the advise every one I will each on board I will keep updating