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Drop offs/pick ups

(49 Posts)
Itsallpeachyfornow Tue 22-Jan-19 10:58:52

Is this a shared responsibility for non resident children?

OP’s posts: |
NorthernSpirit Tue 22-Jan-19 12:09:30

God I wish.

My OH is the NRP - I’m 6.5 years the mum hasn’t done 1 pick up or drop off - she refuses to.

IMO it should be shared. Contact is for the benefit of the children.

Itsallpeachyfornow Tue 22-Jan-19 12:12:09

These are my thoughts also, OP refused and says it's my OH responsibility, surely it should be shared?

OP’s posts: |
flamingofridays Tue 22-Jan-19 12:13:47

I think in cases where they live a reasonable distance of each other, it should be 50/50

in my experience that doesn't happen dp got a lot of "you left us so if you don't pick him up you don't see him"

funnily enough now dss lives with us she makes him catch the bus to her house and hasn't done a single drop off / pick up!

HeddaGarbled Tue 22-Jan-19 12:20:57

Depends on a lot of factors: do they both have cars, do they both have the same money to spend on travelling expenses, do either or both have other children who would need to do the journey as well, did one move a long way away from choice rather than necessity.

All things being equal, sharing it between them would be ideal, but the circumstances of divorced parents are rarely equal.

Itsallpeachyfornow Tue 22-Jan-19 14:19:22

Partnermoved away it was a necessity not choice. 4.5 hours away by bus 1 your by car

OP does not drive but her husband does. Myself and OH do not drive.

OP has no children and is in a better financial position, we have 1 child

OP’s posts: |
Isadora2007 Tue 22-Jan-19 14:23:42

Contact is for the benefit of the child BUT it depends on what the division of labour is. As a RP I spent the whole week ferrying kids to school and hobbies and activities or friends. So the idea that I should then be responsible for dropping them to their dads while he had had a week (or indeed two) of none of that responsibility was a bit much. NRP don’t understand the daily grind of kids if they don’t live it- so they should make the effort for pick ups and drop offs as that is their experience of parenting their own child.

HirplesWithHaggis Tue 22-Jan-19 14:27:38

I'm confused, "OP" usually means "original poster", but I've assumed OP here means "other parent"... but OP has no children? confused

Anyway, if one parent has chosen to move away, for whatever reason, they should do most or all of the pick ups and drop offs. But it depends on the relationship between the parents, really.

llangennith Tue 22-Jan-19 14:39:13

Thanks for clearing that up Hirpleswithhaggis.
I was confused too. Assume itsallpeachy means ex-partner?

WhoKnewBeefStew Tue 22-Jan-19 14:43:08

I think it depends on circumstances. My ex has the dc eow so I expect him to collect and drop off as I do the lions share of parenting. There are times when he’s stuck at work and he’ll ask for help, and where possible I will help.

It we had 50/50 responsibility and access then I’d expect to do 50% of the drop offs and pick ups

However if he decides to move away then I’d not help unless I wanted to, as it was his call to move.

Who can drive and distances also factor but I think simple courtesy and common sense should prevail - although I also appreciate that’s not normally available when we’re talking ex’s

Itsallpeachyfornow Tue 22-Jan-19 14:53:53

Sorry first time posting and trying to figure out all the jargon.

OP’s posts: |
SD1978 Tue 22-Jan-19 15:06:10

Ideally, it would be shared, but in this scenario, ex doesn't drive, but your partner does? And he moved away? I'd say the onus is on him for transport.

Itsallpeachyfornow Tue 22-Jan-19 15:08:30

I meant partners ex has no other children but an 8 year old boy and we have 1 child together. Cheers for the comments

OP’s posts: |
HeckyPeck Tue 22-Jan-19 15:50:57

If it went to court as he moved away, he’d be responsible for all pick ups/drop offs.

That being said if I was the mum I think I’d rather put myself out a bit so my kids didn’t have to spend 4.5 hours on public transport.

It’s not about who’s right or wrong, but what’s best for the kids.

Although she doesn’t drive either, her partner does and he might not want to ferry the kids about & think their dad should be doing it.

Itsallpeachyfornow Tue 22-Jan-19 15:56:30

Thank you heckypeck this makes sense and I agree with you.. god forbid I separate from my partner but if I did i would also try to do some travelling for the sake of my child.

It's just about getting the balance right and thinking about the kiddies isn't it

OP’s posts: |
MinorRSole Tue 22-Jan-19 16:17:59

When my ex actually saw the dc I shared the travel. He moved away not me but I was happy to do it. He apparently wasn't so just stopped. Well he gave a tonne of reasons that made it my fault and nothing to do with the new baby he had with his wife but I digress....imo it should be shared.

CoastalLife Tue 22-Jan-19 16:20:31

Could your partner learn to drive and/or get a car? If your stepson is 8 then this situation is going to be ongoing for many years. Whilst if I were in ex partner's shoes, I would do more than my fair share in order to prevent a 9 hour round trip on public transport for my child, I think if I were in your OH's shoes I would be doing everything possible on my part. Whether through necessity or not, it's because of your OH's relocation that this issue has presented itself and you both really need to recognise that. In fairness to ex partner, if she is RP she is likely already doing the vast majority of the donkey work related to raising her and your OH's child. She probably really needs EOW (or whatever arrangement they have) to have some time to herself and a social life so it's not unreasonable for her to be a bit pissed off about spending four hours of each contact period in her car. Or maybe, since it's him actually doing the driving, it's her DH who resents spending his free time doing something that should really be your OH's responsibility.

Another point worth considering is that a lot of teenagers probably wouldn't agree to make a 9 hour round trip on public transport. Certainly not very often. Unless your OH can come up with a better solution than his ex doing all the driving, he needs to be prepared for the possibility that he will see much less of his child in a few years time.

ralphfromlordoftheflies Tue 22-Jan-19 16:21:33

Your partner chose to move away, and it's up to him whether he drives or not, so I think it's on him to do the pick ups and drop offs. He had another child knowing his arrangements for his existing child so that's no excuse not to do as many pick ups.

My partner's ex moved away, and she does no pick ups or drop offs 🙄

Itsallpeachyfornow Tue 22-Jan-19 16:36:04

I am learning to drive and will certainly have no qualms about picking my partners child up when I do. Sounds like the only option

OP’s posts: |
swingofthings Tue 22-Jan-19 17:56:33

Partnermoved away it was a necessity not choice. 4.5 hours away by bus 1 your by car
Necessity is irrelevant. She doesn't have to facilitate his life. necessities. Regardless of what they are, he made the choice to move away.

Giesabreak Tue 22-Jan-19 18:11:10

How often are we talking?

Giesabreak Tue 22-Jan-19 18:27:25

And what was the necessity for a 4.5 hour move?

PastaCake Tue 22-Jan-19 18:55:28

That's very good of you Peachy. I don't think I would drive to pick up my OH's children. Unless maybe I was partly why we lived so far away.

Itsallpeachyfornow Tue 22-Jan-19 19:53:08

Thank you @pastacake I met my partner in the same area we live now so I had no involvement in the distance.

It's a personal matter id rather not go in to @giseabreak but was not a choice

OP’s posts: |
Giesabreak Tue 22-Jan-19 20:15:39

And how often?

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