Feeling helpless...

(6 Posts)
BlueLights22 Mon 21-Jan-19 20:34:03

I've been with my partner for two years and have known his two daughters for nearly that. I have no issues with daughters at all, we have a great relationship and when they are with us all is fine despite the fact that I'm very new t this, don't have children of my own and can struggle at times as we all do....
The girls mom is an alcoholic who has struggled with her mental health for years and the drinking was the reason for split between her and my partner. He has always had to step in and help her since I've known him which I don't have an issue with as I know it's to protect the girls however recently I am losing the will to live with it and becoming increasingly fed up of her behaviour and lack of responsibility towards the girls. (They are 7 and 14)
As just one example of this, myself and partner are both shift workers and him and his ex have the kids 50/50, when we have the girls it's on our 5 evenings off out of ten and when we don't have them it's because we are at work that night.
This weekend she rang my partner, when she had the girls, screaming and absolutely hammered, eldest daughter then came on the phone and told him mom was hammered and she had had to clean up sick from the floor and sort dinner/bath out for the little one. Partner went straight round and collected the girls and for the last 5 days we've rearranged our shifts in order to be able to care for the girls at ours in the hopes mom would use this time to start thinking about sorting herself out, which it doesn't sound like she has and instead has used it as a free weekend to get pissed and be with new boyfriend who we think is her facilitator. The kids are so.upset and worried about their mom and this is causing such a massive strain on our relationship because I feel that we help her out and it's never returned, this effects everyone except for her.
I am so frustrated and feel so lonely because I am trying to be supportive to partner and to the girls but I find myself snapping at him because I am so angry with her being irresponsible all of the time and expecting us to pick up the pieces.
I guess I don't really know what I'm asking I just feel like I need to hear from others in a similar situation and ask how they deal with it.

OP’s posts: |
Blendingrock Mon 21-Jan-19 20:55:31

Those poor kids, and you.

I think you should seriously look into having the girls full time, not 50/50. I know it will be hard because of your shift work, but the situation at their Mother's will be causing irreparable damage to the girls and cannot be allowed to continue. Unfortunately because of her illness (and alcoholism is an illness) she will not be capable of acting in a rational manner, and until she gets help and stops drinking, for good, the booze will always come before her kids. Until she is well she's not going to acknowledge or return any help you give her. She's not capable of seeing the situation for what is is. She is not capable of seeing the damage she's doing to her girls. Expecting her to behave in a normal manner is a hiding to nothing, because while she's on the booze, it's just not possible for her, and you can't help her until she's willing to help herself.

In the meantime, you and your partner can help the girls. Please, put them first and do what needs to be done, as soon as is humanly possible.

You're in for a bumpy ride, hang in there, be strong flowers

BlueLights22 Mon 21-Jan-19 21:52:57

Thankyou for your kind words Blendingrock. Social services are involved and we may have to look at having the girls full time you are right. I feel horrible for them as they are obviously very worried about her and it's difficult to know what to say as I am very aware of trying to avoid being negative about her whilst being supportive to them all and meanwhile having no control over my home life.

OP’s posts: |
swingofthings Tue 22-Jan-19 07:44:16

Sadly alcoholism can easily turn into an illness ruining the person's life and severely affecting those around you.

You don't owe her any sympathy and feelings of anger are normal but don't expect her to act responsibly. If her alcoholism is that bad, it won't be a case of her waking up and suddenly becoming lucid as to the impact of her behaviour on her girls, let alone your oh and you.

Sadly, it might have come to the point of having to decide if the girls would be better off with you FT.

HeckyPeck Tue 22-Jan-19 16:05:24

I agree it might end up being better for the girls to be with your partner full time.

I also wanted to say that it this is too much for you, it’s ok to walk away.

blackcat86 Tue 22-Jan-19 16:19:34

Im glad to hear that ss are involved. This is no life for either child and a big responsibility for the 14 year old. There should be no 'they may end up with you full time'. You and your partner need to proactively pursue this with all you have. What if mum gets pissed and leaves the stove? What if she gets drunk and angry? What if she chokes on her vomit next time and children find her dead? It's an awful situation and you may find it less stressful to have the children full time knowing they are safe and well cared for.

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