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I want him to stop bringing up his ex

(27 Posts)
Dreyldn Sun 20-Jan-19 20:15:35

Hi,

I know she will always be there but I don't want to hear about her. I was open and enthusiastic in the beginning and even wanted to meet her but she was never available. When she found out about me, she asked him to uninvite me from a family function, "for the daughter's sake". Then I found out they had a secret "family" lunch behind my back before Xmas.

I'm just uncomfortable with her and just don't want him to bring her up in our conversations. He did it 3 days ago mentioning she was ill. I didn't need that information, we don't live together yet, I don't look after the child, it doesn't affect me. I'm not ready, not comfortable yet and he refuses to understand it. Anyone else had the same issue?

OP’s posts: |
user1493413286 Sun 20-Jan-19 20:24:36

I’m really sorry to say this but I think you need to look at the relationship carefully. It’s not a great sign that he did what she wanted by essentially uninviting you to something that he wanted you to go to.
I’ve found that being in a relationship woth someone with a child means that the ex is always going to have some impact on your life and you’re going to end up hearing a lot about them when you don’t want to. They’ll always be involved and you have to make peace with that quite early on

MzHz Mon 21-Jan-19 09:03:35

Seriously, this man isn’t standing up for you.
Cut your losses

At least until he sees that you’re serious about him manning up and making sure that he can move on in life and show a healthy dynamic for his daughter

The “for the sake of our child” is so very often used as a method of control

His dd is not a pawn, so he needs to say to his ex that he won’t allow her to be used as one, and mean it.

Dreyldn Mon 21-Jan-19 10:41:12

Thanks for your responses. I need to think about what to do next. He already introduced me to the daughter and I'm careful about breaking up because it will be another bad example for her. I need to find a way to create some space.

It's not the first time I'm in a relationship where the man doesn't stand up for me so there must be something I'm doing wrong too. I don't want to move to another relationship to have the same challenge.

OP’s posts: |
ILoveMaxiBondi Mon 21-Jan-19 10:45:20

You sound very insecure tbh. He has a child with her so of course he isn’t going to need to mention her from time to time. Why is it that you can’t cope with knowing she exists?

ThanosSavedMe Mon 21-Jan-19 10:46:42

It’s veru nice of you to think about the child but you cannot stay in a relationship with a man for the sake of his child.

Cut you losses now. Much better for you and the child.

ILoveMaxiBondi Mon 21-Jan-19 10:47:42

Then I found out they had a secret "family" lunch behind my back before Xmas

Secret because he isn’t allowed to mention her name?!

ILoveMaxiBondi Mon 21-Jan-19 10:50:40

I'm not ready, not comfortable yet and he refuses to understand it.

He’s maybe a bit confused by you originally being open and enthusiastic and asking to meet her.

CaledonianSleeper Mon 21-Jan-19 10:58:42

I don’t understand why him mentioning his child’s mother is a problem for you? If it’s because you think he still has feelings for her then that’s your problem.

CaledonianSleeper Mon 21-Jan-19 10:59:09

I mean - that’s the problem you have to deal with.

Dreyldn Mon 21-Jan-19 11:04:09

@ILoveMaxiBondi yes I became insecure since I found out he would uninvite me at her request.

OP’s posts: |
RagingWhoreBag Mon 21-Jan-19 11:09:11

I think it’s just unnatural to have someone’s ex as a constant presence in your relationship - I struggle too - mainly because DP and his ex don’t have any boundaries, she thinks nothing of walking straight into his house, phoning him for pointless things that could easily wait, at all hours, on all days (think Valentines evening, New Years Eve etc) and when we’re in the car together he answers calls from her on loudspeaker, so I’m “bathed in the sound of her voice”!! I hate it. But the alternative of him not answering on loudspeaker would make me feel like he’s hiding something so he can’t win!

She’s the physical embodiment of a life without me, one where he lived with someone, had kids with someone, got engaged to someone, all the things we can’t do because our circumstances are difficult now.

I hate that he spends time with her and the kids, despite knowing it’s nice for them to see their parents being friendly, I hate that at family gatherings she’s invited too, I know she still has a relationship with them all, but it’s hard to find your place when someone else is already in it.

I don’t know what the answer is - like you, I’ve talked about not wanting them to have secret family dinners, but similarly if he tells me I’ll be pissed off, so I understand why he might not. It’s a fucking minefield.

Dreyldn Mon 21-Jan-19 11:19:59

That's exactly how it feels. Like you can never win...

OP’s posts: |
Dreyldn Mon 21-Jan-19 11:28:09

We need to know each other and coexist but at the same time, if you're a very private person like me, you need boundaries. Some situations are just uncomfortable.

OP’s posts: |
ohreallyohreallyoh Mon 21-Jan-19 11:46:38

this really depends on how long you've been together, surely? If it's a new relationship (say, less than 6 months), I can see mum's point at just holding back and not having you at family gatherings. If he has introduced you immediately (or very quickly) to his child, that is a bit of a red flag in my opinion as it's not putting his child first and again, I can imagine mum's heckles will be somewhat raised. Ditto a family lunch - how long have they been broken up, is this an established event they do every birthday/special ocassion/year, which he hid from you so as not to upset you rather than hide it all together?

However, if the relationship is long term and you've been excluded on the ex's say so, that's a different issue.

You sound needy and insecure. He needs to maintain as best quality relationship with his ex as is possible for the sake of his child. That makes her a frequent 'visitor' in your daily conversations. I am not sure he should have to censor that unless he is literally talking about her all the time?

Giesabreak Mon 21-Jan-19 12:52:01

Reading your other thread OP, my advice is to walk away. I don't think you are compatible.

funinthesun19 Mon 21-Jan-19 14:00:07

I’ve found that being in a relationship woth someone with a child means that the ex is always going to have some impact on your life

Aaaand this is one of the biggest reasons my partner is moving out soon (he’s just getting money together for his own place).

His ex is not my boss and I’ve got to the point in my life where I just want to tell her to fuck off. Only way to do solve that is to split up with my partner. I’m not going to tell him to stop having contact with her because they need to stay in touch for the child’s sake. She thinks she’s his boss and mine by my association to him. She’s going to be in for a shock.

HeckyPeck Mon 21-Jan-19 14:04:54

It sounds like he doesn’t have good boundaries with her. My DH would never have uninvited me from something because he ex told him to. Nor would he sneak off for secret lunches.

He’s happy to lie to you, so not a keeper in my opinion. Time to cut your losses.

PrettyLovely1 Mon 21-Jan-19 14:07:14

This sounds like a fairly new relationship. I would walk away not just because he would uninvite me at his ex request but mostly because he lied.

Dreyldn Mon 21-Jan-19 16:15:56

Thanks all for your responses. Please note that I asked for the thread to be deleted

OP’s posts: |
swingofthings Tue 22-Jan-19 08:21:46

Why do you want the thread to be deleted?

You mention being de-invited to a family event, what event was it and when? Was the ex due to be there?

If early in the relationship, at an event that both would have gone in the past, whrn the child has only mn et you twice, it might indeed not have been appropriate for you to attend and your oh was a bit hasty to invite you... because he loves and felt proud to show you off but the realised that indeed, it wasn't best for his DD.

It's normal to feel insecure in a new relationship when an ex is still very present, don't beat yourself up fot it but expecting your oh not to mention her and therefore always feel on edge just to alleviate your insecurities is not on. You need to give the relationship time to evolve and build that confidence that is of course if you can bear it but if not, you might want to consider dating childless men in the future.

Kennehora Tue 22-Jan-19 08:25:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EngagedAgain Tue 22-Jan-19 08:42:26

Hi, I don't know how old you are or if you've got children, but while people who have children have to have a certain amount of contact, I expect the majority keep it to a minimum. He/she sounds like the sort of people who want quite alot of contact so unless you don't let it bother you, you're with the wrong person because it will go on for years and years.

EngagedAgain Tue 22-Jan-19 08:55:28

Also don't fall into the trap of thinking you've got a problem - you have been unlucky to have landed up with similar men. Don't worry about splitting up because you don't want to affect the daughter that's not your problem. Maybe he/they haven't fully checked out of the relationship, which means it won't work. Having his cake and eating it springs to mind. I'm not saying there's anything going on. I was in a horrible situation whereby my ex didn't really want contact with me, that suited new man but new man every week went round to his ex's house to see their daughter even though she was 20! This went on for years. He said the ex was never there but expect she was. I on the other hand wasn't supposed to have anything to do with my ex. My mistake was thinking I was in the wrong, ignoring my own feelings and allowing myself to be walked over.

ILoveMaxiBondi Tue 22-Jan-19 09:17:21

Hi OP, I’ve just read your other thread. I’m sorry but I really don’t think this relationship is for you. You clearly can’t cope with the fact he has a daughter, let alone an ex. You resent him looking after his own child! That’s not normal. I think you should do the best thing for yourself and call it a day with him. Find someone who has no children. And possibly exes.

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