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How to cope with partner loving his children more than ours?

(25 Posts)
hayleighxo Tue 08-Jan-19 14:13:52

So me and my partner have only been together a year and have a 7 week old daughter. Very rushed and unexpected but there you go. He has 2 sons from a previous relationship. Age 3 & 2. Also rushed and unexpected. I have one son from my previous relationship age 2.
I have joint custody of my son his dad has him 3 nights a week and I have him 4. It works out really well.
From the start of our relationship he was having his sons the same nights so that he saw them just as often etc. (He wasn't seeing them at all before he met me as the girl who he was with beforehand wouldn't allow it and he just accepted that. So wrong I know!)
We have a pretty good routine where his children come over Tuesday and Thursdays for tea and Friday for over night and I look after them Saturday day. We can't do many over nights as my partner works 7 days a week and we are lucky if he gets a day off. But if he ever has a day off he always has the kids the night before and the day after no matter what.
I know guilt plays a massive part in his life because he's missed out on basically a year of his kids life but i know he doesn't feel the same about our daughter then his other 2 children. He talks about how much of a good dad he was. How much he helped out when his other 2 where our daughters age. I mean his ex even admitted it. But yet he doesn't seem to bother with our daughter at all. I have to ask him if he will feed her or change her nappy (even then he's reluctant or makes up an excuse) when she's screaming and I'm busy doing something. He doesn't pick her up; cuddle her, interact with her, take pictures of her. All the things he does and did with his 2 boys. He will come home from work and not even look at her. He tells me all the time how much he misses the boys (even if they have just gone home) but not once does he say he misses our daughter when he's not seen her the same amount of time as them. He never attempted to write down how he was feeling in our daughters record book. Yet he did with the boys.
When the boys are over all he cares about is them. ( I understand he doesn't see them everyday but surely he should care about his daughter too.)
I never treat our daughter any differently to what I treat my son. I never would dream of caring about one more than the other. Or giving one more attention than the other. I see both my children as equal.
I just wish he was the same with our daughter as he is with his other 2 children. As horrible as it may sound, I'm scared he loves them more than he loves her and right now she won't realise but as she grows up she will. I don't know what to do about that.
I am only young myself and taking on such a big responsibility has been challenging for me.
All I keep thinking is, if we split up would he give our daughter more attention? Would he want to see her? Would he miss her? Or would he just leave and not be apart of her life?

Fairenuff Tue 08-Jan-19 14:30:39

It's probably not that he doesn't love her, just that he is trying to avoid the nappy changes and looking after a crying baby. He's selfish is all.

And he needs to stop making 'rushed and unexpected' babies.

Ineedtonamechangenow Tue 08-Jan-19 14:35:30

Tbf I prefer my toddler more than I prefer my baby because he's chatty, funny and talks lots. I don't love him any more but he demands a lot more of my time and attention mostly to make sure he's not trying to kill himself

reallyanotherone Tue 08-Jan-19 14:35:46

What she said ^

One rushed an unexpected baby is an accident, but 3? hmm

Your baby is 7 weeks. They’re pretty uninteresting at that age. He may be better when she’s older and more interactive. Or he may be a sexist arse who wants to go out and do “boy stuff” while leaving you and your dd to the girly shit.

Time will tell...

comebacksoonsusan Tue 08-Jan-19 14:42:56

He works seven days a week?

So you've got all the kids all day on Saturday?

explodingkitten Tue 08-Jan-19 14:49:29

* daughter. Very rushed and unexpected but there you go. He has 2 sons from a previous relationship. Age 3 & 2. Also rushed and unexpected.*

He seriously need to make a different contraception choice. He has 3 children in 3 years that were all unexpected. He sounds bloody irresponsible to me.

AnneLovesGilbert Tue 08-Jan-19 14:53:30

Why didn't his ex let him see the DC until you and he got together?

Does he know you can get condoms for free?

It's early days with your baby, hopefully he steps up.

You don't have to look after his DC when he's not there, you've got your hands full as it is. Does his ex know he's not there a lot of the time?

RogersVideo Tue 08-Jan-19 14:53:43

3 unexpected children aged 3 and under? Are you serious?

Fairenuff Tue 08-Jan-19 14:55:42

He has 3 children in 3 years that were all unexpected. He sounds bloody irresponsible to me.

He sounds uneducated to me. Does he even know how babies are made?

Newname12 Tue 08-Jan-19 17:26:58

He sounds uneducated to me. Does he even know how babies are made?

This. Surely after one “unexpected” child he’d have made the link that after having sex, babies are a reasonable expectation?

Pogmella Tue 08-Jan-19 20:17:12

His youngest is 2, you've been together a year and he was with someone else for a year and didn't see the kids.

So he left his ex with a new born and dropped contact?

Cherries101 Wed 09-Jan-19 10:59:23

It seems like he fathered kids not because he wanted them but because he couldn’t be asked to buy condoms. But you knew this when you got together with him, you must have, otherwise why would have kids with an idiot who abandons toddlers?

Snappedandfarted2019 Wed 09-Jan-19 13:14:34

3 unexpected children aged 3 and under? Are you serious

This! You both sound very young you literally feel pregnant with another man you didn’t know properly when you both had a one year old each and he had a two year at the time! You picked a right Prince Charming there he didn’t even see his baby for a year!

Santaisfastasleepatlast Wed 09-Jan-19 13:20:18

Taking his irresponsible ways out of the picture, maybe he feels guilt he has his dd 24/7 but not his ds's? Remind him parenting isn't optional once the baby has arrived!! Take yourself off for a bath and lock the door, or out of the house for an hour or two. You have all 3 for many hours alone, time he had the experience also.
And hopefully you are on the pill op since contraceptive obviously isn't his thing?. And working 7 days a week is questionable imo.

NerrSnerr Wed 09-Jan-19 13:25:51

He clearly didn't do much with his other children because if he was with his ex for a year before you got pregnant he didn't see both children for a whole year when they were both babies. How old was the 2 year old when he stopped seeing him? Must have been tiny.

I would make sure you're able to support yourself and have access to accommodation just in case he leaves you and has another baby with someone else

pandoraphile Wed 09-Jan-19 13:42:44

What does he do to work 7 days a week?! OT I know, I'm just curious!

Santaisfastasleepatlast Wed 09-Jan-19 14:07:10

Maybe visiting other dc he has created??

pandoraphile Wed 09-Jan-19 22:59:55

Santa 🤣🤣🤣

PersonaNonGarter Wed 09-Jan-19 23:02:36

This is all very new. Seven weeks.

If your relationship is sound it will settle down. Do not get jealous. Be aware that jealousy is a big threat to the potential happy family.

lifebegins50 Thu 10-Jan-19 22:29:59

In 3 years, 4 children have been born!

user1493413286 Sat 12-Jan-19 07:31:42

I would give him a bit more of a chance; I remember asking DH something similar when DD was 6 weeks old. Looking back it was very much that DD was so little and I had a handle on what she needed; I started giving her to DH when he came in from work and going into another room to rest or tidy in the evening so he had his time to bond.
I can understand how guilty he must feel as he’s missed out on a lot with his DC and now he has a baby who lives with him 24/7.
If he’s working 7 days a week he can’t be getting much time with your DD and a day with 3 children under 3 each week can’t be easy for you

Loopytiles Sat 12-Jan-19 07:37:55

It was a very bad decision to have a baby with him. Plan for becoming a single parent again and to agree arrangements for him to share the parenting or have regular contact.

If he won’t do a fair share of - or any! - parenting and domestic work, for whatever reason, then your relationship is dead.

Shit fathers often talk a lot about how much they love their DC and their parenting efforts. Actions are what is important. His suggest that he is a shit father to all his DC.

“We can't do many over nights as my partner works 7 days a week and we are lucky if he gets a day off”. If he was a decent parent he’d do his damndest to make changes in his working life in order to parent his DC.

CherryPavlova Sat 12-Jan-19 07:42:02

Has your husband considered a vasectomy?

IamIwas Sat 12-Jan-19 07:42:59

Don’t believe for one minute he was as great as he says he was.

I think it’s awful that he doesn’t even look at his new baby when he comes home from work. It sounds like he works and sees his children and is not fitting you and his baby into his life.

SummerGems Sat 12-Jan-19 19:51:26

Hang on a minute. While the bloke has been stupid it takes two to make a baby does it not? He’s not responsible alone for the fact that there are three children in this mess. In fact there are not one but two stupid gullible women who also could have been responsible for ensuring they didn’t end up with rushed and unexpected babies.

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