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RP moving 30minutes away

(112 Posts)
stokieginge Mon 07-Jan-19 20:15:39

I was just wondering if anyone had any experience in this situation

DSD lives with her DM. We have her EOW & an week day evening EOW. I take her to school twice EOW following an evening staying. Currently DSD school is a 3 minute drive from our house.

We've just found out that DM is looking to move 30 minutes away.

This would mean that we are no longer in a position to have DSD over night when she would need to be dropped off at school the next morning. Unless we spent an hour driving her to school and then back to work.

We would essentially go down to one night EOW rather than 4 nights EOW.

This after DM has spent the last 3 years telling my DH he doesn't see DSD enough.

OP’s posts: |
NorthernSpirit Mon 07-Jan-19 20:46:28

I’m a SM. We live 13 miles from my OH’s kids which is an hour drive (due to the fact that the EW is still in the FMH and we couldn’t afford to buy in the area).

Is the DSD moving school?

If you live 3 mins away from the current school and the mother is moving - can’t you just keep the current routine in place. If the mother is moving she needs to be doing some of the pick ups and drop offs.

Sadly - if the DSD is moving schools you may find your mid week is dropped. In our case it isn’t possible. Mum refuses to do any pick ups and drop offs and they aren’t ‘allowed’ to get the bus.

stokieginge Mon 07-Jan-19 20:56:57

@NorthernSpirit I imagine DSD will be moving schools, she's also 6 so I don't think the bus would work 🤣🙈

OP’s posts: |
moreteaplease0 Mon 07-Jan-19 20:58:46

You’re describing the school commute I had/ my parents did. Doesn’t seem particularly arduous to me.

stokieginge Mon 07-Jan-19 21:00:14

@moreteaplease0 it is when DH starts work at 6:30am and I'm meant to start at 7:30am

It wouldn't be an issue if we both had regular 9-5 jobs.

Thanks for your helpful input though

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Beatitudes Mon 07-Jan-19 21:02:45

Well to be be fair OP you didn't mention your early start times in your opening post. I was coming on to say I do a longer commute than this every morning for my 2DC's school before starting work.

Pokerface81 Mon 07-Jan-19 21:03:21

We had the same problem. DP ex moved over a hour away and moved the DSS school.

Our previous arrangement was EOW and 1 week night EW. She expected us to maintain this, and we did for awhile.

However it made life hard, for us to get to work. But more important for the DSC, as they where tired in the morning and at school when we had to set off early.

We have changed it to Friday Night EW and EOW full weekend. This way we still maintain contact EW with the DC. The DC have one early morning EOW, as we do one drop off.

DP ex also refuses to any drop offs. She said as we have reduced contact by 1 night (forbightly) we have to pay more maintainence. However we have been advised legally that we don’t, as CSA would consider the travel distance, fuel costs, mileage etc.

stokieginge Mon 07-Jan-19 21:13:01

@Pokerface81 it just seems like such a shame. We were previously living where DM is now moving to but this was before DSD started school.

We moved to where we are now the August before DSD started school and as such managed to increase contact to what it is now 4 nights EOW.

DM has as far as I can see now valid reason for moving, she doesn't work so it's not for work purpose. She has no family (where we are now, or where she's looking to move to). She has my MIL helping a lot (she lives 10 mins from us) so she'd lose that help too as MIL wouldn't be able to travel.

Currently DSD goes to breakfast club when she stays with us, so she has to be at school for 7:45. Luckily the school is 3 mins down the road so we get away with not getting up until 7:15.

If she was to move and we were to keep the contact for school drop offs we'd have to get up before 7 to leave the house in time to get to school for breakfast club. I just don't think it would be sustainable

OP’s posts: |
stokieginge Mon 07-Jan-19 21:13:14

@Pokerface81 it just seems like such a shame. We were previously living where DM is now moving to but this was before DSD started school.

We moved to where we are now the August before DSD started school and as such managed to increase contact to what it is now 4 nights EOW.

DM has as far as I can see now valid reason for moving, she doesn't work so it's not for work purpose. She has no family (where we are now, or where she's looking to move to). She has my MIL helping a lot (she lives 10 mins from us) so she'd lose that help too as MIL wouldn't be able to travel.

Currently DSD goes to breakfast club when she stays with us, so she has to be at school for 7:45. Luckily the school is 3 mins down the road so we get away with not getting up until 7:15.

If she was to move and we were to keep the contact for school drop offs we'd have to get up before 7 to leave the house in time to get to school for breakfast club. I just don't think it would be sustainable

OP’s posts: |
mikado1 Mon 07-Jan-19 21:19:18

Why is she moving? 30 mins doesn't seem far at all on the face of things, but I can see it will have a big impact.

stokieginge Mon 07-Jan-19 21:22:32

@mikado1 no idea why she's moving. As I said, she doesn't work so it's not for work commits & she doesn't have family over that way.

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Pokerface81 Mon 07-Jan-19 21:25:57

We felt the same, ex didn’t work, the DSS loved their school, and all her family and friends where in the area she lived. She moved for someone who she known a few months.

The DSS hate their new school, the area and the house they live in. It’s a 2bed where previously she has a 3. Now it’s 5DC and 2adults under the roof of a small house, not ideal.

We too had just increased contact, and was gutted we had to reduce it. It’s also made other things hard, like picking them up an extra night when it’s an occasion, dropping into school for family day, sports day etc.

We had to wake the DC up at 5.45 and leave at 7.00 - 7.15 to get to school for 8.45 as rush hour traffic and 3motorways later, increased travel time. Then do the same journey back to work.

Maybe see if their are any additional days you could have the DC? Every Friday? I know it spoils the weekend, but I see as putting the DCs contact first x

stokieginge Mon 07-Jan-19 21:29:16

@Pokerface81 I honestly don't think her DM would commit to us having her EW rather than EOW weekend because then she wouldn't have 'fun time' with DSD.

Genuinely don't think there would be a resolution.

The only thing I can say is that she's looking for a council swap, so hopefully there will be no one willing to swap & as such it will be a no go. 🙈🙈

OP’s posts: |
2019Dancerz Mon 07-Jan-19 21:30:59

I can’t see why it drops to one night eow though, surely has no impact on doing a Friday and Saturday. I also think I’d do the drive in the morning once a fortnight, you might not find it takes as long as you think since it’s so early.

Pokerface81 Mon 07-Jan-19 21:33:40

I understand that in a way, if it was my DC I would probably feel lost if I was just doing the school run and “fun time” was with dad.

We are lucky that ex doesn’t seem to care, quite the opposite she would let us have Full EW if we wanted. Maybe suggest Friday to Monday EOW, and a extra. Friday - Saturday lunch one extra weekend a month?

Maybe also organise holiday dates, so you can have additional days in the school holidays.

Or depending what time you and DP finish work? Just take DC our for tea?

Fingers crossed no house is available

stokieginge Mon 07-Jan-19 21:38:38

@2019Dancerz fridays would be problematic due to current collection times. If she did move, by the time DSD had been collected and got back to our house it would basically be bed time.

I guess my query was wondering if it would be reasonable to expect DM to contribute to the dropping off picking up since she is the one that's moved away.

OP’s posts: |
moreteaplease0 Mon 07-Jan-19 21:40:47

No need for the sarcasm when you drip fed.

stokieginge Mon 07-Jan-19 21:42:48

@moreteaplease0 I wasn't intending on drip feeding. I just thought we have very specific collection and working hours that I assumed if I included would make it very obvious as to who I was should DSD DM be on here.

OP’s posts: |
Honeyroar Mon 07-Jan-19 21:43:28

But if you usually start work at 6.30 and 7.30 how do you get her to school at the moment?

My husband's ex moved half an hour away, we still did the midweek day, but l am often off midweek and my husband could start later if need be. His mum occasionally did school runs for us.

Pokerface81 Mon 07-Jan-19 21:45:44

I just managed to agree with my boss an early finish on Fridays, so we can collect after school. Otherwise we was going to put them in after school club.

I know it would be nearly bedtime? But this wouldn’t be any different to a day in the week? And surely DSC could stay up a little later on a weekend night?

No it’s not unreasonable to ask, I suppose both parties just have to mutually agree and keep the interest of the DC as the priority x

stokieginge Mon 07-Jan-19 21:52:48

@Honeyroar for the current drop offs I start work late, and can be anywhere for 30mins/1 your late depending on traffic.

MIL also works so I don't think she would be in the position to help

OP’s posts: |
TeacupDrama Mon 07-Jan-19 21:52:57

Even if it is bedtime on Friday night at least you have her waking up with you on Saturday rather than spending half Saturday fetching her which is better and in a year she won't be going to bed so early and can be lazy with you Saturday

stokieginge Mon 07-Jan-19 21:57:21

@Pokerface81 I'm very lucky that I have a boss that will look the other way if I'm occasionally 'late' - which is the reason we now have the contact that we do.

I'm just conscious that with the move the amount of time I'm late by will increase dramatically and I don't want to be deemed as 'taking the piss'

DH doesn't get the same grace as me at work so couldn't do the drop offs.

Agree she could go to bed letter, but just seems pointless to pick her up to let her go to bed to then do the return trip the next morning - there's not much in it for anyone? It's not like she's getting the benefit of spending the time with us 🤷🏼‍♀️ I don't know maybe I'm looking at it wrong

OP’s posts: |
JennaJohnson Mon 07-Jan-19 22:34:50

Can you do wraparound care? So find a childminder near the school (there will be one) who does early mornings?

My DSD lives 40 miles away. I do a school run every Thursday and every other Friday. I changed my working hours to do it and DH makes up the loss of earnings.

It's tough.

Oswin Mon 07-Jan-19 23:11:13

I would see if you could drop her to school on the Mondays you have her. So Friday night pickup then a full weekend together.

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