Will he ever accept me

[Kathleen1208]

Hi I've never done this before but I'm at my wits end and need some advice. I've been with my partner 7 years and lived with him 6, his son is now 16 and has always lived with us and due to his mother's personal problems he has no contact with her and says he hates her guts, he even tells people she's dead! The problem I have is he's always lied to be about liking me, he's nice to my face but says the most disgusting things behind my back. I've really tried over the years I've bent over backwards for him I even take time off work to give him a lift to college every week I'm nice to his friends even when they're rude to me, I'm nice to his gf and even tolerate his dog even though I'm a bit scared of dogs! Me and his father have a toddler who he's horrible to and I'm expected to just ignore it which is really hard. I've tried talking to my partner and he just thinks he's perfect and I'm the problem, this boy constantly tells lies about me to anyone that will listen and has even had my arrested for hitting him which he later admitted wasn't true he just wanted me gone! I'm not sure I can take any more, I'm actually starting to hate him, is this normal behaviour from a stepchild??? And if so what do I do?

[ladybee28]

This isn't 'normal behaviour' from any person.

What's your DP doing in all of this?

[Blendingrock]

No, its not normal, and you are right to be concerned.

Unfortunately it sounds as if your DP is being willfully blind, and what he does see, he's unwilling to do anything about. You cannot win this one. Disengage as much as possible. Anything that your SS wants/needs done, let DH do it/sort it/pay for it. You focus on your toddler and your relationship with DH. As much as possible, step back from your SS and get some emotional distance.

My SS is nearly 18. I've raised him as my own since he was 7. He's always had a bit of a cruel streak (which he's careful to hide from DH), and the ability to lie convincingly through his teeth, but up until about 8 months ago, things were good. The odd hiccup but nothing out of the ordinary for any kid.

Then he got a girlfriend and since then, his behaviour and attitude as gone down hill in a big way. He treats his family with utter contempt, (with the exception of DH, he hasn't crossed that line just yet), to the point where his sister and step sister no longer speak to him. He went to his GF's place in the afternoon of Xmas eve (telling DH he'd be back in the morning) and that was the last anyone heard from him, or saw him, until the evening of Boxing Day. He didn't even phone DH on Xmas Day. When he did appear he threw a massive tantrum when I remarked that it was nice of him to finally grace us with his presence. It's fair to say we had a free and frank discussion, one of many in the last few months I might add.

It's made very little difference. DH has always viewed his boy through rose tinted glasses. He's always been softer on him than the others, makes excuses for him, says he's going to talk to him "man to man"... never does. The kid gets a slap on the wrist with a wet noodle and that's it.

Last week I was the target for his contempt for the first time and to be honest, I was shocked and deeply hurt. Like you, I've bent over backwards to help him, to be there for him no matter what. To guide and support him financially as well as emotionally. I've tried to not mind DH's inability to see how awful he's become and his unwillingness to do anything about it. He talks about it, but it's just that. Talk. As far as DH is concerned, boys will be boys, it's harmless, he didn't mean it, he'll have a talk to him, he was just as bad when he was a teenager etc etc. Excuses and no real consequences. Every. Single.Time.

However, I'm not having a bar of it and have stopped paying for things that I have provided for him in the past (like his phone plan, like Spotify etc). DH initially agreed, then backtracked. Too late. It's done. SS is now on a pre-paid plan, which SS will have to fund and Spotify is gone. If he want's it back, he can pay for it himself. As I said to DH, SS has known me long enough know that I do not tolerate rudeness or disrespect and he surely can't be stupid enough to think that he can treat me the way he did, not apologise, and there be no consequences. It ain't going to happen. I haven't told SS, I'll let him work it out on his own.

It's an awful place to be in, and as I said, you can't win. If you say anything to your DH he'll instantly defend SS and resent you. If you don't say anything, nothing changes. Disengage, and good luck.

[swingofthings]

How can your partner think you're the problem and his son is fine if he actually went to the extreme of calling the police and lied to them about you hitting him? What other lies is he telling people and do you get to hear about them?

[TooSassy]

This is really concerning behaviour and the issue here seems to be your DP in all of this.
You also have not helped yourself (even though your intent is good) at bending over backwards and pandering to him/ trying to win him over. All you have taught this boy is that he can do/ say whatever he wants and you are still there trying to win his approval.

I’m afraid that I wholly agree with blendingrock. You need boundaries, strict guidelines and not tolerate this abuse (which it is). If a child lied to the police about me and had me arrested, they wouldn’t be setting foot in my house until they had apologised, taken full responsibility and entered family counselling with me.

You have a toddler witnessing all of this too? Children learn from what they see. If you can’t extricate yourself from this for your sake, do it for your toddler. Otherwise don’t be surprised if that little one grows up to be a bully like your DP and his son.

[Kathleen1208]

Thank you so much I honestly I thought it was me because every time I talk to my husband he tells me I'm overreacting, even when the police warned him about making false allegations, he used that terrible line he's just a child he doesn't understand what he did was wrong and all I think is at 15 I knew that was wrong what planet is he living on!
The other lies he's told include telling his dads family that I'm sleeping around, telling his teachers in school that I'm an alcoholic and telling our neighbours that I get aggressive when I drink which is hilarious as I don't drink anymore and haven't for over two years as it causes my IBS to flare up and the icing on the cake he's started drinking in the last 3 months and he's the nasty drunk not me. And by nasty i mean hurling abuse at me for coming to pick him up after his girlfriend phoned me because he was vomiting everywhere at there 6th form party that they'd been at for only an hour. Not to mention the vomit I had to clean up from my car, our bathroom, his bedroom and even had to clean it off his dog.
But thanks for the advice I'm going to talk to my husband tonight and explain I'm not willing to be walked all over anymore and that he needs to step up and start looking after him and I'll only be willing to help out if his son starts to treat me with some respect wish me luck

[TooSassy]

OP, I don’t think sitting your DP down and talking to him is going to do you any good truth be told. This behaviour is horrific and from the sounds of things your DP, through his minimisation, has been a huge factor in this escalating.

Has your DP ever engaged in any of this sort of verbal/ physical behaviour with you? I’m horrified that you have had all of this happen and yet you still think you’re at fault. I’m afraid to say that ImO this is emotional abuse from your partner.

I’m not sure that by confronting him you’re going to make headway. Do you have a support structure in RL?

[Blendingrock]

OMG OP that sounds horrific - I can't begin to imagine what it's like for you. Normally I'm an advocate for focusing on the good things, managing the bad and hanging in for the long haul... but... is your relationship with your DP really worth putting up with this? Your DP should be loving and supporting you and teaching his son to become a man, and he's not doing either. He's allowing his son to abuse you (I agree with TooSassy) and he's joining in. His son is a monster and your DP can't (or won't) see that anything is wrong with him. They are both abusing you. Talking to you DP will achieve nothing, and it will only get worse. If this level of abuse is your normal, what happens when it goes to the next level? (and it always does). You need to get out, for your sake and for the sake of your toddler.

Please, if you don't have family or friends that you can go to and you don't have the means to set up on your own, find your local Women's Refuge or equivalent. Your mental and physical well being, and that of your toddler, is paramount. Sod your DP and his nasty son.

[PrettyLovely1]

I would put your son amd yourself first and leave. Its not good for your son to grow up around someone like that and see them get away with it.

[goldengummybear]

I have a 17 year old son and lots of experience of his stroppiness. He is due to go to uni in the autumn and needs to be ready to live with other adults. They are not going to take his shit the way that we do. I'm very conscious of the fact that once he's 18, he could end up with a criminal record if he's a shit.

Personally I'd stop putting myself out there for him. You get treated like dirt when you're bending over backwards so you might as well get treated like dirt and do nothing. Your child will be affected by witnessing this behaviour. The only thing you can do to change things is move out. :(

[Pinkybutterfly]

How did it go?

[SandyY2K]

@Kathleen1208

What awful behaviour.
Stop doing anything for him. I'm sure his mum is find...he's the problem.

Your DP is also the problem. I don't know why you haven't walked away from your relationship...because your OH is allowing his son to treat you like crap.

If my own biological child did those things...I would not put myself out for them...much less a stepchild who I don't have to care for.

Quite honestly your being abused by your SS and indirectly by your OH for allowing it.

The police would have been my final straw.