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DSD always using my stuff(75 Posts)
I'm trying to explain this without sounding like a complete tightwad - I know I'll be flamed if I do.
DSD has recently developed a habit of using all of my stuff. Toiletries mainly and I tend to buy relatively good stuff, shampoo/conditioner is professional, tinted moisturiser is a good (ish) brand, daily tan lotion is middle of the road etc.
A few months ago I found a number of my products in DSD's room and mostly empty, no idea how long they'd been there but she tends to plaster everything on so and most of them were full when they went missing. Her dad had a chat with her about asking permission to borrow things and not just taking them on the spot about it.
Now its a bit of a epidemic, she's returned to her mum's this week after xmas and I'm spotting all sorts of things that have gone missing in various forms. Fake tan has been mostly used up (and left in my bathroom so she's been using it whilst I'm at work then putting it back) my deep conditioner was left in her bathroom along with shower gel, cleanser, shampoo etc. There's not even any subtlety to this approach, I have to go and search for it!
I could go on. Make up remover, deodorant, hair serum, face mitts, bubble bath etc etc. The one that topped it off was when I found the empty packet of sanitary products in her bathroom drawer, I kinda might need to know in a hurry that I'm out of them!
I tried a strategy at christmas of buying her lots of "naice" bits in her stocking so that she wouldn't use all of mine, they went home to her mums because "I dont have naice things at mum's house".
What do I do here? Do I put a lock on my bathroom? Do I have words? I dont want to downgrade my toiletries because it's one of my very few luxuries but I use it sparingly. She's caning her way through everything I own!
I should add that I've been out this week and bought her one of everything but supermarket versions. Pantene, Sure, etc. She has a generous allowance from us and two part time jobs so we're not being brutally frugal. I can guarantee though that these will soon disappear and I've just fudged a solution in the short term.
What if you said to her? Not angrily, but matter of fact. These are my things and I want to know they'll be there next time I go to use them and we don't take other people's things etc. I would do a blanket 'don't use my things' as asking first will probably lead to her taking them again. It would be harder for her to ignore you.
That might be a good option. It's so hard when you put the "step" element into it.
I had hoped the chat her Dad had before would have helped, but it didn't seem to touch on any notes
You need to sit her down and explain this is unacceptable. You've been more than generous. You'll probably have to start locking your things away too.
I would put a lock on my bathroom door, shes been told already yet still continues to do it.
Yeah I'd lock my stuff away when she was around. I discovered my DSD was using my expensive shampoo to squeeze onto the shower door to draw patterns in. She's 10 so I had a word and removed the shampoo, but I think the sense of entitlement and the sheer waste really hacked me off.
speaking about a DD not a DSD... and thinking what I was like as a teen. It's partly entitled behaviour but it's also bonding, reaching out, in their own weird way. I would be reluctant to just sharply shut that door by locking everything up.
I would try to find a compromise. Maybe lock up the truly expensive stuff but try to share the rest, because it's partly bonding, whether you know it or not.
Goes both ways, too. I get to use DD's nail polish & borrow her softest hoodies .
Have you suggested maybe going shopping together to pick her own out? At her own expense?
I used to pinch my sisters stuff. It wasn’t until I was earning and buying my own stuff that I realised how infuriating it must have been.
I have found this happening too but the I sensed it was a form of flattery that she wanted to use my stuff. I bought dsd her own the same as mine and then made it clear she could use hers and let me know when hers had run out and if get more.
I would hide your expensive stuff...
Just skim read initially and just caught glimpse of the rest of your post
Until she’s more money savvy I don’t think you’ll see any improvement!
My own dd's wouldn't dream of using my stuff without asking. Don't leave it to dh to sort. It's your stuff - your business to deal with - dsd or not.
I would have the rage tbh.
@Dollyparton3 how old if your DSD?
Surely you could have brought her nicer shampoo than Pantene?
Like others I would say use it as a bonding experience. Suggest going shopping with her and letting her choose her own (within reason)
Lock it away. She's a thief and doesn't care.
Taking the OPs things while she is at work isn't bonding it's stealing!
She's 18 so old enough to know better.
I bought her Argan oil hair products at xmas, those are the ones that have gone to her mum's house so the Pantene was just so that we have "something" for her to use. That was ignored but the Kerastase that I use moved to her shower. And it's always the teeny jar of treatment conditioner that's taken out by the handful with it that irritates me!
I do have proper rage, especially when the teeny jars that you should use once a fortnight as a treat are moved every 3 days and used.
She woke me up at 1am last week to ask for make up remover because the one I bought her had been taken home. I wasn't amused but handed it over bleary eyed in an attempt to not wake myself up too much. I need to toughen up a bit don't I?
@Dollyparton3 I thought you were going to say 13-16 😂
If she's 18 - yes she should know better.
Definitely a thief. Lock it away. Tell her if she keeps stealing she's not welcome in the house when no one else is there.
Wow! She’s really taking the piss! Your update is pretty shocking. I can’t believe she woke you for that. She has no respect for you.
Get a lock on your bathroom and if she wakes you again for an equally stupid reason, ask her what the hell she thinks she is doing and tell her to get out and not make a sound.
Cheeky mare. 18 years old too!
I was going to tell you to buy her some stuff of her own and keep yours locked away but she's 18, she can go shopping for her own stuff. I wpuld hide mine.
I was imagining her to be about 13 when I read your post; I would have a firm chat with her and tell her it’s not on then cut her allowance to pay for anything else she uses in future unless it’s been left out for her to use.
If you have your own bathroom then she shouldn’t be taking anything without asking
1 in the morning! God, I'd have been livid. So rude.
I thought you were going to say she was 13 or something! Tell her to buy her own shit, she's an adult. And lock your things away.
Buy a lockable box and put all your toiletries in it when she comes. Take them out to use them then put them away. Be clear with her that this is what you are doing. She is taking the piss and I say this as someone with two adult DDs who like to use my nice things when they visit. They would never go overboard and are always very grateful.
Although you should already have had shampoo, conditioner, make up remover and body wash for her to use in the house, she can't lug around all the basics all the time.