(4 Posts)
Anuta77 Sat 29-Dec-18 17:57:59

So I was talking to SD (12) as she was getting dressed to leave to her mother's house. My DP was already in the car. Suddenly, I see her quietly putting in the pocket of her jacket my son's fidget cube. My son has anxiety so he uses it quiet a lot, so I was surprised and asked whether he gave it to her. My son was standing close and said no. She said: but you have two of them! Then, she opened the door and left.
Few minutes later it occurred to me that the toy in question wasn't normally next to the door, so she put it there along with another object that she didn't want to forget in advance. She had to pass by my son, but she didn't bother to ask and I guess she didn't expect me to stand there while she was getting dressed.

Recently, she asked me to give her my son's drawing tablet that was given to him by my mom. She likes drawing and when I said no, it's a gift, she said: but he doesn't use it anyways (she comes EOW, so she doesn't really know) and I draw better than him. So I guess she just didn't want to hear a no this time.

She does have a habit of taking things mine and my son's without asking and I already told her that it's not ok (ex. using my brushes without permission, eventhough we had lice issues before, and then leaving them in her closet, where I would find it by accident or taking my necklaces and braking them, etc.). But while things stayed in our house, I told myself that it wasn't the end of the world. My son told me already that sometimes a certain toy would dissapear, so who knows.

What worries me is this attitude that it's ok to take whatever she wants (however, she makes sure to never leave anything of hers behind when she goes back to her mom's, so she knows that it's not ok).

Next time I'll see her will be in two weeks. My DP doesn't like scolding her unless he witnesses wrong behaviour and if he has to talk to her, he wants to wait until she comes here (he also visits her in her place, but he doesn't scold her there). I know that he will forget by then, he has tons of things on his mind.

What would you do? Send a message to her mother with whom I rarely communicate, but who has the biggest influence on her? Remind her father to talk to her in two weeks (because she's more scared of him, so more chances that she will listen) or talk to her yourself?

I already started hiding certain things that she might take, but I also think that someone has to educate this girl.

P.S. If you want to tell me that I'm a resentful SM, don't waste your energy, it doesn't bother me. I'd like constructive advice.

OP’s posts: |
Spanglyprincess1 Sat 29-Dec-18 20:04:37

Wait and talk to her or remind dp. It isn't okay. I'd have stopped her or spoken to do when he happened so it was done. But I'm blunt!

hollyindie Sat 29-Dec-18 20:41:36

As hard as it is - I know I have a SD who has very similar habits!
I try and look at it as, how would I feel if my niece (for example) took it.

So I know the whole step mum, step kids is so hard and we have sooo many barriers to cross.. trust me I've been there. Look up my name you'll see the things I've dealt with in the past with my SD and my partner!

The way I've found that works (granted it's all different) is for me to see my SD as I would my niece. Now I love my niece as much as I love my own son, but I know she isn't mine and I know I don't get to decide her morals. However, I am a consistent in her life so therefore I get a say in what I think is and isn't ok in my company when I'm responsible or jointly so.

In this case if she took a fidget spinner and you seen, rather than make it stealing (which I 100% used to think) why don't you think... what would I do if my niece did that. Well 2 things, if I really didn't want my son to part with it I'd simply say "X that's Ys fidget spinner and he needs that to stay at home so can you put it back on the side and let's get in the car to go see your mum"

Or if you really don't actually mind her having it and you just want her to know to ask simply " X before you take the fidget spinner why don't you ask Y if you can, I'm sure because he had two he will be ok with it, and you can bring it back next time you come"

If your son doesn't like this the you can explain he has 2 and sharing with his sister is great. She will have something of him with her and when she is back she can return it.

Easier said than done, I've had the battle... I nearly lost my family for it.. it works for me so it's definitely worth a try

Good luck and this is in no means an attack just pure support xx

Cherries101 Sat 29-Dec-18 22:39:17

Honestly, I’d just start locking away the expensive and necessary stuff. My DN likes to do this with my jewellry, hair ties, and hair clips, so I only keep out what I don’t mind her taking when she’s at mine. There’s no need to make a bigger deal about it unless she keeps doing it.

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