Do you ever have moments where you are unsure?

(6 Posts)
FiddlesticksAndCustard Wed 19-Dec-18 20:35:35

Nothing wrong in my relationship. I love DP more than anything. Live together, get on with his two kids really really well. No issues with ex, don't really speak much but no horrid drama either.

Yet I still sometimes have wobbly moments where I worry if I can do this forever. I never understood how hard it can be being with a man who has children until I was. I had a miscarriage earlier this year which I know has heightened these thoughts as I feel like I'm missing something which he has already with someone else. It does hurt watching him parent with another woman when we've lost our baby but I know that is silly.

I can't even necessarily pin point what's so hard or what makes me doubt things.

Tonight for example, DP is out at nativity with ex. Fine, no problem. Saw them off, wished DSS well with his lines, said I couldn't wait to see the pics etc... Which is all true and yet when I'm sat here alone whilst he is out it does sting a little and I wonder if I can do this forever.

I don't want to leave, I couldn't. I love him completely and we are amazing together. I just have moments where I wonder if I'll ever get used to it.

OP’s posts: |
Redken24 Wed 19-Dec-18 20:37:34

How long have you been together?

FiddlesticksAndCustard Wed 19-Dec-18 20:40:37

2 and a half years. I don't like calling them 'step kids' as I'm certainly not a mother figure to them but have used DSS in this as easier!

I can't really remember whether I felt so extremely about this before the miscarriage or not. I suspect that it has gotten worse since then as I am very emotional about it and it can sometimes skew my vision on things I think.

OP’s posts: |
gonzo77 Wed 19-Dec-18 20:42:12

Yes I do, my circumstances are slightly different as DH and I will never have children and my youngest lives with her Dad 183 miles away (I had to move for work, and she wanted to stay where she was so was only solution).

When we have my DSS (he is awesome) sometimes I feel a bit sad because I can't see my DD very often (have a chronic life limiting illness). I suspect amplified because when my husband were late teens/early twenties I lost our baby.

It is completely understandable. I expect you are still mourning the loss of your baby too. Don't be too hard on yourself flowers

beckysbobbles Thu 20-Dec-18 11:12:01

Yes I can 100% relate to this.

I am really struggling of late. I love my partner so much and I love his three beautiful kids but I struggle with the idea that he has 'been there done that'.

He said he is happy to have more children with me but I find it difficult to see this happening. He has zero funds as he pays 25% of his salary to maintenance then pays for things like clubs on top of that.

I am financially independent so I could support a child alone but I slightly resent that I would have to do that.

His ex is a manipulative nightmare. Always making out to be the victim when my partner is the most accommodating person ever. He truly is the perfect father and that is one of the reasons I'm with him.

I just need to realise I can not control how she acts but I can control how I react to it.

If your partner is wonderful then try and stick it out. See the bigger picture but also talk to him about how you feel, try not to bottle it up.

stokieginge Thu 20-Dec-18 12:58:40

@FiddlesticksAndCustard 🙋🏼‍♀️🙋🏼‍♀️🙋🏼‍♀️ I do. And it's mainly when DSD DM is being the vile human she usually is (sorry mumsnet). And then it makes me resent the whole situation.

We're currently TTC, and it's taken us a while to get there. My DP (well now DH) was very anti-children. And I think this is mostly due to the experience he's had with DSD.

Not making excuses for people as I'm well aware they it takes two to tango and two sides to every story. But DSC was conceived during what could have been a one night stand. DP didn't want to tell her to have an abortion so attempted to stick around to do the right thing by unborn DSD.

This wasn't conducive to a healthy relationship and DSD was very much HER daughter not THEIR daughter. As such his experiences of being a 'father' to DSD will be very different to the experience he'll have been father to our DC when the time comes.

Sometimes I wonder if all of the agro is worth it. But the minute I pick up DSD for our weekend contact, or get home to her shouting my name when I talk through the door I forget about all that.

I sometimes don't think people appreciate just how hard it is to be a step parent. It's not something I ever envisaged myself doing, but here we are, helping raise someone else's child.

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