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step daughter and daughter do not get on

(10 Posts)
Blondiemum32 Fri 14-Dec-18 10:36:07

Morning all, new to all this but need some advice.
Been with my husband 3 years and our daughters used to get on, as they have got older though (11 and 12) they became interested in different things. Husbands daughter is into make up,clothes social media, instagram mainly and my daughter still likes to play computer games etc.
They stopped talking about 9 months ago, we didnt know why, kept asking if they had a falling out, my daughter said no other then step daughter constantly asking my daughter to like her instagram posts. It has made family weekends very awkward to say the least. we have tried forcing them to talk and tried leaving them and nothing works. Whilst on our honeymoon my ex phoned to say our daughter was in tears as step daughter has txt our daughter to say she wants to beat her up, shes stuck up etc! totally out of the blue. My husband spoke to his daughter, she said it was a friend that took her phone then admitted it was her later on. She has apologised to my daughter, via txt and they still do not talk. Im torn because i have my ex telling me he dosent want our daughter to spend weekends with me whilst step daughter there, which ive said it stupid as wont resolve anything and make life harder. so as it stands they spend the whole weekend not talking. People tell me its a phase but im dreading xmas with the awkwardness. Any advice please?

OP’s posts: |
InSwamTiddler Fri 14-Dec-18 11:36:20

The fact she’s sent that text to your DD whilst you were on your honeymoon would indicate that it’s to do with the marriage. Now you’re married to her dad it’s sunk in that DD is now her dad’s stepdad (so father role) too, your DD also gets to live with her dad and likely sees him a lot more than she does (I’m making an assumption... how often does SD come to yours, EOW?)

If it were me I would have your DD at her dad’s the weekends SD comes to you for a while. Let SD see she’s still a big part of her dad’s life and spend time with him in his home without your DD there, and to spend time with you without your DD.

We had this situation, although my DD and SD are younger. I made the conscious decision to stay at my mum’s with my DD on the Fridays DP had her to stay (so EO Friday) then come home and spend time together as a family on the Saturdays.

It helped massively, SD got her dad to herself so by the time Saturday came she wanted us home and was excited to see us. After a while all her unkindness toward my DD stopped.
We only did this for a couple of months but it made all the difference.

Could you try something like this? To allow SD to readjust to the fact that you are now dad’s legal family too? She must be insanely jealous of your DD, add in the teenage hormones and it’s like a bomb waiting to explode

Blondiemum32 Fri 14-Dec-18 11:58:57

Thank you for your reply.

Husband has spoke to his daughter, shes adament shes not jealous and is happy her dad is married to me as she can see how happy her dad is now she said. My husband spends no more with my daughter then he does his daughter. my daughter lives with us 50% and her Dad 50% and my husband has his daughter once during the week and every other weekend. Having said all that i do agree it seems like jealousy.

I think you're right about having having them different weekends for a while.

Thanks

OP’s posts: |
swingofthings Fri 14-Dec-18 12:29:08

shes adament shes not jealous and is happy her dad is married to me as she can see how happy her dad is now she said it's possible she meant it but more likely she didn't. The average 11/12yo is still too immature to be conscious of being truly happy with a parent when that happiness means a frustration for them.

I expe t there is more to it than what she is saying. Has your OH discussed it with his ex. You SD might have confided in her mum.

I agree changing weekends might suits both of them not seeing each other if things have got to this.

InSwamTiddler Fri 14-Dec-18 12:41:46

If you’re doing 50/50 then your DD is at home 7 out every 14 days, and your SD is only seeing her dad a maximum of 4 out of 14 days. Your DD gets her dad almost double the amount she does and then she’s having to share the little bit of time she does get with him with your DD there too.
I would definitely see if you can switch up the weekends so she gets him to herself for a while x

InSwamTiddler Fri 14-Dec-18 12:42:52

By her dad I meant SD’s dad.
Sounds like you’re trying your best but SD really does need time with her dad alone

goldengummybear Fri 14-Dec-18 12:51:06

Teenagers are not renowned for being honest and vulnerable about their feelings. In fact the default answer to many questions has to be "I don't care" " So what?" Etc I'd assume that she was jealous and react to the situation as if she's admitted it. (She May be far too proud to accept it)

Bananasinpyjamas11 Fri 14-Dec-18 13:40:40

I think there’s a small but significant difference between not getting on... and one person, in this case your DSD, bullying or being nasty to your daughter.

It doesn’t matter why or how your DSD got to so mean, but threatening to beat her up and harassing her is bullying. Your DH needs to see this clearly. And you need to clearly stand up for your daughter, publicly, and say that this is not on, and you won’t tolerate it.

Only once this line has been drawn by you, and hopefully your DH, can any work be done to help see if they can find a common ground.

However there is a bottom line and if you minimalise it by saying that they just don’t get on, you are not protecting the victim, your daughter.

I’ve had this. My son did not get on with DSD, who was older and more confident than him - looking back it was a way that she was reasserting her dominance tbh. DP could not see it at all, of course. I came on Mumsnet and several non SM posters told me to be nicer to DSD and it was just teenagehood. I’m so glad I trusted my gut. My other DSD was also quite rude to my DS and if I hadn’t have intervened I would have had the guilt of knowing I’d let my son grow up with low level bullying.

TooSassy Fri 14-Dec-18 21:35:18

Hold on. Your DD has gotten a text from your DH’s DD saying she wants to beat her up? And you somehow expect them to play happily families once EOW?

I may be a little harsh here but are you having a laugh? That’s completely, unacceptable behaviour and you should absolutely categorically be removing your DD from this situation. Your DSD at such a young age is a bully. How has this been handled? What consequences did the DSD face?

Most importantly, what does your Dd want? If she wants to be at her dads and not at yours on those weekends, why won’t you just implement that and see if the space allows some of this to be put behind them?

On the other hand what on Earth is a 12/11 year doing on instagram and who is now monitoring her phone activity? IME incidents like this are not isolated and can lead to serious consequences in peer groups at schools (including exclusions).

I’m stunned truth be told by this post. If anyone texted that to my Dc, hell would freeze over before I expected my DC to ‘play nice’.

Cherries101 Sun 16-Dec-18 18:11:31

Stepkids don’t have to get along. Take your ex’s advice — seperating them for now is the best thing possible. You can revisit it if you have a natural child but in the meantime this is the best way to diffuse the situation.

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