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Would you have dc?(11 Posts)
Have been with DP for 6 years, he has a dd who is now 10. She lives here and only spends a few hours with her mum every two weeks so I'm very involved.
I love her and we have a great relationship but at the moment she's really struggling with her mum rejecting her. She's started to get insecure about our relationship, when she's upset she say that I hate her and only pretend to love her to be with her dad. She worries a lot about us breaking up or that I will leave because of her.
Before meeting dsd I definitely didn't want children, now I think I would quite like to but I don't have a desperate urge for them and if it never happened then I would be fine with that. DP would like us to have children and has done for years but has said it's my decision as he would be content with just dsd. We've never really discussed it with dsd, she has asked if I'm pregnant or if I'm going to be pregnant and I've just answered no or not now.
I'm worried that she'll feel pushed out and not part of the family if me and DP have children together, especially as she's so much older. I'm also worried that she would'nt get enough attention from us both to make up for not getting any from her mum.
Would you have children in this situation? And would it be too much to let a 10 year old be involved in this kind of decision?
You sound like a lovely stepmum. It's particularly loving of you to consider how a new baby would impact on DSD and her feelings. It's a tough one though, I don't think she should be involved in the decision, as such - you can consider her feelings but it's yours to make.
I'm of the opinion that babies are such hard work that if you're happy with what you've got, you should stay as you are. How old are you? Do you have time to wait and see how things progress with DSD, wait until she's feeling more secure and then revisit the decision?
Something else to consider is whether you and DP would like to get married, then you could apply for parental responsibility of DSD (if her mother is likely to agree). Obviously only do it if it's something you all want, but it might help to reassure her if you make it all "official" with the legal stuff.
Obvious but important question: is she getting support at school and has she ever had therapy? (I mean age appropriate therapy of course, not psychoanalysis or whatever!)
If you want to have a child you should. SD will adjust and gain a sibling. Long term it will make you closer as a family.
I have a 11years older brother. I absolutely love him and appreciate having him so much..Especially as an adult. Age difference is really not a factor in how the relationship will go..
You can’t let a child be part of the decision. It’s an adult choice, it’s a burden for a child.
Go for it if you and your DP are really stable. That will carry you through.
You sound so lovely and collected and like you're thinking it all through well.
In the circumstances if you feel she is mature enough I would maybe read her the post or explain what you have said here and that you are considering all of her feelings and what she wants, you never know she might adore the idea of a sister or brother to cement you all together or to have somebody else to love and to love her too.
Also if she wanted this and struggled with the feeling of being pushed out in the future you would be able to talk to her about how you included her in the decision and wouldn't have done it without her.
I'd prepare myself for how I would feel if she reacted negatively though.
I agree that if you want a child you should go about it. Your DD might react in a self protecting way at first and worried that you are replacing her, but it will all come down to how you act when the baby is there so that you include her fully in the babies life and still give her plenty of attention. The only difficulty is that you might find that rhecentisity of the love you'll feel for your baby takes away from the love you feel for your dsd but you can manage that and hopefully that won't be the case.
A friend of mine took on three kids when she was in her early 20s and then had one herself but she never felt different or treated him differently to the others. He was just number 4 baby.
One way of looking at it, is that the baby will be a permanent connection between you & her.i think she will probably really enjoy helping you look after a new little sibling. It will give her something else to focus on.
Obviously getting married is your choice. But I saw a stepmum who also made wedding vows to her stepson at her wedding. There was a lovely line «I didn’t give you life but life gave me you».
The little stepson was sobbing with happiness.
I would also suggest that you and DP consider marriage. Thats the point that DSS (14) felt comfortable calling me his step mum because it showed a commitment to his dad and to him. He was also heavily involved in our wedding including being best man and sorting out the rings.
Have you spoken to her about a baby? Whilst we didn't ask DSS for permission or anything we did make it clear that after the wedding we would be trying for a baby and how did he feel about that. He was fine with it and I fell pregnant quite quickly. He loves his sister dearly and we tried to find ways for him to be appropriately involved such as taking him to a 4d scan and asking him to choose the bear her heartbeat sound was put into.
It is important to manage expectations though so if she mentions you being pregnant again could you say 'no I'm not pregnant but I might like to be in the future. How would you feel about a baby brother or sister?' I've always wanted 2 children of my own because of the big age gap with DSS and DD but DSS find this quite difficult and believes we only 'need' one because that's what his mum did. I've explained that I've listened to him but ultimately it's a really big decision so if the time feels right for us in the future then we'll try again.
My DH was your SD once and he was 11 when his sister was born. FIL says now in hindsight it probably would have been better to wait another few years before having a baby with late SMIL. There was a lot of unresolved trauma and attachment issues there and SIL birth just sort of added to that burden. By the time SIL2 was born 5 years later DH was much more stable and had his own life going on and attachments with other people outside of the home and so she slotted more easily into their lives than SIL1 had.
I did something similar to what @CurlyWurlyTwirly suggests - focused on how even though I wasn't SD's father, they will be my Daughter's sister and that ties us closer together, more than anything.
I absolutely would not involve her in the decision. It’s your and your DP’s decision. A child shouldn’t have a say in the matter, it’s too big of a burden for her and unkind to put her in that position. Imagine if she said no, then ended up thinking she’d stopped you from having a baby.
If you want a baby, you can make it work, as others have said.
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