Uninterested step dad

[Anonanonrhino]

So I got with someone I love to pieces about a year ago. He said he wanted me and my little boy (now just over 2.5) and understood we came as a package. Back then, my son was incredibly clingy towards me and my partner went out of his way to win him over. And I feel that's where it ended 😔. It feels as though, once he had gained his affection, he was no longer interested in him. He doesn't say it, but I really feel like my little boy is a nuisance to him. He makes very little effort with him unless I've pointed out that it's upsetting me, and then it's short lived. He doesn't ask how he's doing at nursery or if he's enjoyed things he's done etc. He never seems proud of him and never thinks hes being cute. He just seems to have no interest in him. He didn't have a great childhood in many respects and didn't get on with his step dad and tells me that he's better than a lot of step parents. But all the step parents I know are wonderful and love their step children. I don't know what to do 😢 is he right, am I expecting too much?

[swingofthings]

SP don't come with unconditional love like parents do. It's just the way it is you can't change it.

What is unclear is whether he just isn't as enamoured with your son as you are and you are concluding that he doesnt care or whether he really is finding himself growing to disliking your boy for whatever reason.

If the former maybe its you who need to accept t b at he isn't his dad, doesn't want to replace him but still able to care and be part of his life. If the latter, you'll have to consider the future of your relationship.

[crimsonlake]

A year is not a long time to know someone and introduce them to your son. It is all too quick and you should have got to know him better before introducing him to your child.

[SandyY2K]

He's really not his stepdad though is he. You've been together for a year... he's your BF. Maybe he's just not into kids that much.

Men generally have less interest in the finer details of kids lives.

He'll assume nursery is fine inless you say otherwise. His position might be... he's accepted you come as a package, but doesn't feel the need to be overly interested.

Does your son have his dad in his life? It's not that easy to make another man take that role.

Do you know if he wants kids of his own one day? Does he have nieces or nephews that he talks about?

[LetMeThinkAboutThat]

You say, ‘step dad’, are you guys married? If you are, it all sounds very rushed, what role exactly did your partner think he will play in your ds’s life? If not married, why are you calling him his step-dad? He isn’t.

[comedycentral]

A few red flags for me.

When he was with you, your son was initially clingy towards you, so he went 'out of his way' to form that relationship.
Could he have been jealous of your bond and trying to step in?

Now he has 'gained his affection' he acts like he is no longer interested. That's a really odd way to treat a small child.

What are you going to do about it, as you sure can't change the way he feels or acts?

[lifebegins50]

This is way too fast...if you have only bern together a year and expect him to be step dad. Are you living together?

People will say/do anything in the early stages of a relationship...doesn't mean you know them. The real person emerges after 18 month- 2 years (typically as you go through life events in that time).

Do you love your partner or the idea of him? the person who you think he is rather than reality?

[TooSassy]

Putting yourself to one side. How is the child reacting to this?
You say you think your DC is being a nuisance but your partner has never said anything to that effect, so how do you know if your feelings are accurate?
Does your partner live with you? Has he asked about having more Dc with you?

[GlassSuppers]

He won't have the same bond or amount of affection as you OP because he's not his parent and hasn't known him for long. He doesn't have to have the same feelings as you although it would be nice.

That being said I don't think I could be with somebody who didn't show any interest in my toddler.

[floodypuddle]

He might deal with it better when your child is a bit older. 2.5 is an extremely trying age which you tend not to realise before you have to deal with it regularly, I definitely prefer spending time with my stepdaughters now they are just a tiny bit older.

I think on some level there too much expectation here for him to feel the same as you. I think most stepparents try hard to love their step-children and do love them to a certain extent but not in the way their parent does. I love mine but equally don't think about them too much in-between visits, its just fundamentally a different relationship.

[lunar1]

It's not necessarily a bad thing, it takes time to form a step parent relationship. I really would just take things slowly, they need to form a bond of some kind before your relationship can progress much further. A child can't live with someone with your boyfriends attitude to your child. He'd wouldn't, and shouldn't be expected to understand why someone who is loving to you is disinterested in him.

I would have a really honest talk, it could be that he's just trying not to overstep and it's coming off as very cold.

[Livelovebehappy]

Maybe just doesn’t want to step on the DFs toes, so is just happy to be in the background and letting both you and your ex parent the dc. I’m guessing though from your post that the DF isn’t around so you are looking to your bf to take on the role of father?

[HeckyPeck]

Now he has 'gained his affection' he acts like he is no longer interested. That's a really odd way to treat a small child.

I agree. If he has to make a big effort to be nice to a small child then he’s probably not right for step parenting.

It probably wouldn’t be great for your son to grow up with someone in his life who has to force himself to give him attention.