How do your kids/stepkids see you/their stepparent?

[wonderstuff99]

My son is 9,have been with my fiance for two years,myself and my son were on our own for 3 years before I met him. He doesn't see his dad and the memories he does have of him are not good (think emotional abuse).

He tends not to talk about his dad much but I make it clear that I'm here if he ever wants to. Tonight we had a big heart to heart about him and he said when he sees other children with their dads,he wishes he had one he could spend time with. I'm not overly worried about this as I think thats a natural reaction and I think its just dawning on him now how crap his dad actually is for not being there.

My partner is wonderful and I feel he and my son have a nice,natural relationship which has developed over time. We all lice together and my son feels comfortable teasing him,my partner knows a lot about my son,they talk about things,overall,its nice. True,they dont spend a lot of time alone,because I'm always around,but if they did,I'm sure they'd be fine

I don't expect to see him as his "dad" now because I think thats a pretty alien concept to him at 9,but I'd like to think that as time goes on,he will begin to see him as a father figure.

Anyway,I digress! During this chat tonight,my son said he didn't see my partner as a relative,more as a friend. And I just wanted to know how others stepkids saw you/your partner.

[Aroundtheworldandback]

My son was also 7 when he met my dh but there were other children in the mix. Like your situation, ds’s dad was emotionaly abusive and played no part in his life from the age of 3, other than trying to make ds feel guilty for liking dh on the very rare occasion he saw him.

My dh is an incredible step dad (married when ds was 11), and ds used to feel sad that his own dad wasn’t like that. We had a rocky ride around aged 15 but there is nobody in the world ds now 18 respects more than dh. He has been more than a role model, if anything ds feels he’s a hard act to follow.

As time goes on depending on the relationship that forms with your partner, he will see him not as a father but a father figure. I would not expect him to consider him a family member after only a couple of years. Does your partner have chikdren of his own?

[OhComeOnRon]

I'm a stepmum to a 9 year old boy. I've known him since he was almost 2 so have always been around and we have him every single weekend.
We have a good relationship. Never had a conversation with him about how he views me or anything, but he has a few times- when being told off - said 'I am the worst parent ever'
And honestly it gives me the opposite feeling I think he's going for cos I love it. He sees me as a parent, but without having a label he can call me.
So he would say to DH- you're the worst dad ever. Moody get that he is haha.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

It sounds like you have a happy comfortable unit and your DS and DP get on well, that’s lovely and something you can all be proud of. In time, DS may come to see your DP as a parental figure but equally he might not and that’s okay.

I have a SM and can’t really describe how I see her. I’m very fond of her, she’s been with my dad 20+ years, I was bridesmaid at their wedding. I don’t see her as a parent but I keep in touch with her independent of my dad (who I’m very close to) and see her on my own. I don’t have any aunts but I suppose it’s like that.

I’ve known my DSC since they were little and they see me as a “parent”. Sort of like a second mum though they have one and don’t need another, but I’m the other female parent in their lives and they refer to me as their SM to other people. Because there’s two of them I spend time with them alone and DH gets time with the other which may make a difference. I have them both on my own at times too.

Are you concerned about how your son views or doesn’t view your DP? How does your DP feel?

[NewLevelsOfTiredness]

To be honest, it could be a nice thing going into the teenage years. My brother's SD was very comfortable confiding in him because he wasn't her 'actual dad' - more of a friend she could confide in. As if that little bit of natural teenage rebellion against parents didn't apply to him.

Then when she turned 17 she said to him that despite not being her dad, he'd been the best father she could have hoped for.

I do understand it's hard for you son though. No matter how great her step-dad is he'll still have to process the fact his dad was shite. Despite his comment, it will be helping that he has a good bond with you fiance. He probably just needs you to understand that having a good father figure around doesn't erase his need to process his father's failures and absence.