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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Step-parenting

Step mom jealous of dad's biological children

19 replies

WombRaider92 · 01/12/2018 00:22

Hi,
I would love to get some opinions on the following:
I feel like my boyfriend's step mom is very jealous of him and his sister because her children are not very successful in life whilst my BF and his sister live very independent lives and have great jobs. On the other hand her children are very weird and don't fit into the whole family - her son still lives with his mum and my BFs dad.

My BF genuienly feels very let down by his dad as the step mom wouldn't even allow them to eat anything out the cupboards whilst her children get everything.

His mom passed away when he was little so that's not the issue.

Also recengly we have had our first child and my BFs dad always comes to our house to see his grandchild - stepmom is genuienly not interested at all. But then again with her grandchildren, she has them over evefy week at least 4-5 times and wants my BFs dad to care a lot about them.

Now my BF is very upset about this and wants to cut ties with both of them as he feels alienated and ridiculed.

What do you think he should do? Is that his dad's fault or just the stepmom?

OP posts:

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TheBeastInMsRooneysRoom · 01/12/2018 00:28

Why would he cut ties with his dad if his dad is interested and involved? Just because his dad's wife isn't?

WhiteCat1704 · 01/12/2018 08:34

It's his father really...
Providing childcare for your own grandchildren can be exhausting I imagine so maybe she just doesn't have the energy for step grandchildren...
Your bf father is the one that should be making an effort...
I don't get why stepmothers get scapegoated in those situations and are blamed for poor relationships between parent and child.

ghostsandghoulies · 01/12/2018 09:19

I think that the OP's bf is assuming that the step mother is pressuring the Dad to be like this and that if he were single, he'd treat the bf and sister better.

It's definitely that Dad at fault here. He's too weak to treat all the kids fairly.

Livelovebehappy · 01/12/2018 09:38

Your bf should just focus on maintaining a good relationship with his df. Tbh DF does seem to be attempting some sort of relationship away from the SM, but is probably stuck between trying to keep both sides happy. Just because SM is married to DF it doesnt mean that your bf, now an adult, needs to have a relationship with her. She doesnt appear to be a pleasant person so your bf shouldnt worry about her; just let her get on with her own life and dont give her the satisfaction of cutting ties with DF, which is probably what she wants to achieve.

HeckyPeck · 01/12/2018 11:10

Why would he cut ties with his dad if his dad is interested and involved?

Yes I don’t get this either. He’d only be denying himself and your child a relationship with someone who wants to be a part of all your lives. What would it gain? Spiting the step mum? Sounds like she’d be happy with it so that wouldn’t work. Trying to get his dad to leave his wife? Ultimatums never work.

Why doesn’t he just talk to his dad and say he feels hurt that step mum isn’t interested and find out what’s going on? Maybe she hadn’t wanted to tread on his mum’s toes?

Lovelife12345 · 01/12/2018 13:59

I am in the same position with my dad and my stepmum. All three of us have become successful, work hard, and have always been the apple of our dads eye. She was very jealous and hates it. When her and her son lived together he was expected to pay half the mortgage and half the bills, whereas my dad never expected us to pay anything so we could save. My dad has paid for my sons swimming lessons, suddenly she has to pay for her granddaughter. Whatever my dad does she tries to do one better. She barely comes to visit us and won't ever have my boys overnight or durn the day but has her biological grandchild overnight every weekend. Her son is in a bad job and lives a very different live and my dad has said before she comments on how she wishes he had our drive and motivation. But I have learnt it's not my dads fault and I could never cut ties with him because he is still my dad and will always be there when needed and my children adore him.

Try talking to his dad, my partner spoke to my dad and it has really helped. And now my step mum does include my boys more so much so she wants to take them all away for the weeekend next year. And will message me weekly to see how things are. Families can be brought up differently and she could be struggling x

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 03/12/2018 09:05

His Dad is making the effort though isn’t he? He does have a relationship with his son and grandchild.

You sound like you don’t go around their house so the Dad has to come to you. Is that right?

I think you’ve put the step mums actions in with the Dads and mixed them up. Things like not eating food out of the cupboards isn’t a big deal. The step mum is going to be closer to her own kids and see them a lot. So what? It doesn’t sound like your bf likes her anyway so what she does with her kids isn’t relevant at all.

Oswin · 03/12/2018 12:43

Banana one set of kids allowed to help themselves to food and one not is abusive. It's absolutely horrible. The father has allowed his children to be put through this.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 03/12/2018 14:47

I wouldn’t count that as abusive!

Oswin · 03/12/2018 20:19

Of course it is abusive. Say you have two children. One is allowed the help themselves the other is not allowed to touch the food. That is emotion abuse. Pretty clearly so.

Unicornandbows · 03/12/2018 20:23

That's really sad I think your bf should speak with his dad about how he is feeling and see if things improve. If then things don't he can step back from them

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 04/12/2018 19:01

@oswin if you read the post, the ops DH is an adult who does not live with his Dad. Even I don’t help myself to my parents cupboards but I don’t call them abusive! My step sister lived with them and she did help herself to the cupboards. I can honestly say it didn’t even register as a bad thing!

SandyY2K · 04/12/2018 19:50

I can help myself to any food or drink in my parent's house. I think it's clear the stepmom doesn't make your BF feel comfortable enough to do so.

He should forget about her interest in your child. As long as his dad is interested...that's what matters.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 04/12/2018 21:55

Ha ha I have to laugh at this new abusive step mother evil!

Be warned step mums. If you dare not let adult step children who don’t live with you help themselves to your food from your cupboards you are:
A) Abusive
B) Not making DSCs welcome
C) Serves you right if DSCs cut off their own father and blame it on you.

Honestly get a grip people!

MommyBunny2 · 05/04/2019 23:17

@Bananasinpyjamas11 I think OP meant when he was a CHILD at his ONLY home (dead mother) HE couldn't eat whatever and whenever but HER bits COULD. Different. That is absolutely abusive.

BreastSideStory · 06/04/2019 07:52

How old was your Bf when stepmum married dad? Was he still a child?

BreastSideStory · 06/04/2019 07:55

The only reason I’m asking is because my mum has a partner she met when myself and my brother were already grown ups, and his partner is a grown up. She’s very involved with mine and my brother’s kids but not that fussed about her partner’s grandkids... not in a mean way, she’s pleasant when she sees them etc but to her it’s like seeing her friend’s grandkids. I don’t think she’d be bothered if she never saw them again because she doesn’t have the same feeling for them.

BreastSideStory · 06/04/2019 07:56

Sorry not his partner was a grown up... I meant his daughter was a grown up

Banhaha · 06/04/2019 09:28

As a stepmum it can be difficult to know how much interest you are "allowed" to show. If you show too much you can be stepping on mum's toes, too little and you get accused of not caring enough.

Or maybe she's just not interested. I think it's natural she will be more interested in her own grandchildren and trying to force her to act differently to how she is feeling will just cause problems as people will accuse her of being fake. As long as she's polite I don't see what else she needs to do. Obviously she should treat him fairly when he visits.

Is it possible she's picked up on the fact you think her children are "weird"? That might explain her reluctance.

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