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Does anyone not live with their DH full time?

(30 Posts)
RagingWhoreBag Tue 27-Nov-18 16:19:48

Been with DP 6 years with the odd break when it all got too much but not married or indeed engaged yet.

Main reason being the DCs - he has 2 DDs aged 10 & 14, I have DD 12 and 2 DSs aged 14 & 18. They don’t want to live together (fair enough, I’m probably happier not being blended too) but this has meant keeping completely separate lives.

DP stays with us two or three times a week, depending which nights he has his DCs. But he isn’t really part of the family - doesn’t contribute financially towards the house etc and as I’m on a low income I have resisted the idea of him having any formal involvement in case it affects my finances.

We have talked in the past about potentially getting married, him investing in my home and helping to support me financially (he’s on £100k+ and I’m on less than £10k) but I don’t know if that is weird and whether I’d still be resentful of him having another home, his primary home in fact, away from me.

As it stands as BF/GF I am just grateful for the time we spend together without too many expectations, but it is hard being so much worse off, watching him spend money on his DCs and himself (and on me to be fair) while I have to be very careful with my own DCs.

He treats me to dinner and weekends away sometimes, but it’s hard when I’m struggling to pay bills, getting into debt and then he buys me a new iPad etc and I feel churlish for saying “I’d rather have the money!”

If we joined forces officially I feel like I’d be less alone in this, would have his financial support but would still have to wave him off several times a week to live at his other house. Does anyone else do this and how does it work for you?

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Winterishere2018 Tue 27-Nov-18 17:34:45

It isn’t his job to support you though op you both have separate households which is through personal choice, it’s not up to him to help financially plus you state you get help and therefore if he was to do this and it was found out you could be in trouble for fraud, have you thought of retraining for a better paid job?

ClaryFray Tue 27-Nov-18 17:46:55

We're the same op only we couldn't afford to live together if we wanted to because his wife refuses a settlement on the house.

swingofthings Tue 27-Nov-18 18:29:46

So you're waiting for him to give you a nice lifestyle? Mmm maybe things suit him well as it is because he doesn't want to share all his money? Your kids are older now why aren't you earning more?

TooSassy Tue 27-Nov-18 18:58:05

I have been with my DP a considerable amount of time. He has his DC. I have mine. We both run our own houses. We have no financial links. If anyone contributes more on paper to ‘our relationship’ it would be me right now.

We have held off from making anything more intertwined due to the drama he has around contact arrangements with his DC (also broken up due to things getting too much). I have (in logic) zero issue with continuing as we are with two houses and remaining in a committed relationship. However at some point financial pressure may make it more sensible for us to run one home. But do I have an issue being with someone long term and living in two houses? Nope. If children are happy then IMO everyone is happier.

But, and this is my question. What would marriage bring you? What is the reason for getting married? You say you wouldn’t feel alone and you’d have his financial support, but that depends. On how the legals around any arrangement were drawn up. If you keep separate houses and have no children together, his ‘financial support’ is no more guaranteed than if you remain as you are. If he wants to financially support you and is in a position to do so, why doesn’t he do it now? Why is marriage being discussed as the conduit to doing this.
I believe that he could stop at anytime, even if married.

Equally marriage does not guarantee any sort of rights on his estate. If I ever remarried, all of my pre marriage assets would be sewn up in a trust for my DC. Anything afterwards would of course be joint. So again, no one really gains financially if they were to marry me (and I’d expect any man I was with to have the exact same set up).

RagingWhoreBag Tue 27-Nov-18 19:39:50

Thanks for the replies. Yes I have thought about retraining but having been self employed in piddly jobs my whole adult life due to being restricted by XH’s shift work, I don’t feel confident that I would be employable.

I’m not expecting DP to support me without giving anything back - he gets a lot of emotional support and has indeed credited me with his recent promotion as I suggested/cajoled/pushed him into it when he wasn’t sure and almost doubled his salary. Quite galling for me on NMW but I am pleased for him.

And yes he could financially support me more but without any formal commitment to each other I feel guilty taking money for him and it would affect my entitlement to other support. As our relationship has always been rocky to say the least, I don’t want to come to rely on him in case things end.

In terms of assets, my house is worth more than his, so if we married I wouldn’t be necessarily gaining more than him financially. I think it would make things feel more equal in a way, as I would be contributing more than just ‘wifely’ duties like emotional support and home cooked meals, I’d actually be bringing something tangible to the situation.

I know it may sound like I’m being grabby by wanting to share in his success but it’s just quite difficult to be supportive and enthusiastic about that stuff when you have no hope of ever achieving it yourself.

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RagingWhoreBag Tue 27-Nov-18 19:40:57

BTW a lot of the Rocky moments have come because if not feeling he’s committed to me.

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IdblowJonSnow Tue 27-Nov-18 20:10:12

This is tricky op. I think if I'm totally honest I might feel a bit like this too although I don't think it would be right to! Do you hope to marry/live together one day? Where is your children's dad in all of this? Does he contribute? I totally understand why with five kids between you, especially at their ages, you'd not blend! Can you play it by ear and maybe move in together when the oldest ones have gone to uni/left home? And also, can you not improve your earning power?

LatentPhase Tue 27-Nov-18 20:15:51

If your relationship has always been rocky, am frankly baffled why would you even consider marriage tbh.

RagingWhoreBag Tue 27-Nov-18 20:24:07

Latent, because a lot of the rockiness has come from me feeling on the outside, that I’m not 100% WITH him. My insecurities about his separate life without me have caused a lot of upset. But having tried to move on, we’ve both been drawn back to each other because the good outweighs the bad.

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RagingWhoreBag Tue 27-Nov-18 20:27:42

Idblow - I think that’s probably where I’m headed.

Have just had a massive go at my XH for not pulling his weight with the DCs, which probably hasn’t helped my cause.

I just feel like I’m the one doing all the supporting and wifework for the DCs while XH and DP live free and fulfilling lives, earning shed loads of money and not having any worries, as I’m there picking up the slack for everyone else. Just feeling a bit sorry for myself really, but I guess the tone of this thread seems to be “get a job!” so I will take note.

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Brel Tue 27-Nov-18 20:38:51

I don’t see the issue really. Your current situation is fair, unless I missed something. It’s also a very good situation for the children. Imo it’s not his responsibility to support you financially (or your children; that’s between you and their father). Unless him being somewhat well off, was part of the attraction – if so I’m not slating you for that (it’s a valid choice), but is he aware of that, if so he should be fulfilling his part of the deal I suppose. This is a completely different situation than both starting with a clean slate. Where you could possibly say that one party facilitates the other party in developing his/her earning potential etc (also it's not like he's physically present a lot of the time so the possible support is rather limited)…

I sympathize with the resentment though.

RagingWhoreBag Tue 27-Nov-18 21:19:11

The support is listening to him talk about issues at work, sympathising, helping him with his CV, travelling with him to stay in a hotel the night before his interview, making sure he had a clean ironed shirt, providing him with somewhere quiet for follow up phone interviews, talking about what had been said and making suggestions for things he might say at the next one, basically months of angst that turned me into his emotional dumping ground for everything that he thought and said, going round in circles with the ‘what ifs’ and all this after nursing him through an operation a couple of weeks before, being at his beck and call, staying with him in hospital until 4am, pushing for tests I knew he needed, basically being a fucking wife. But with none of the perks.

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TooSassy Tue 27-Nov-18 21:33:09

Hmmm. I’m not commenting on what you need to do jobwise, I am more intrigued about your insecurities around his commitment to you.

You do realise that marriage, really doesn’t increase commitment don’t you? I’ve been married. Didn’t last. He wasn’t committed. If someone wants to be with you, they will stick with you through thick and thin, committed without that piece of paper.

If your feeling of insecurity is because of separate lives, how would marriage solve that? Because if you’re both planning on keeping separate homes and (as a result) relatively separate lives, what changes? A ring on the finger doesn’t make people less prone to cheating or wandering or walking away.

I would spend more time trying to get to the bottom of where your insecurities come from and whether marriage would solve them.

TooSassy Tue 27-Nov-18 21:35:41

Am also properly chuckling at the ‘perks of being a wife’. I seriously missed that course at school. The perks completely passed me by! grin

RaspberryBeret34 Tue 27-Nov-18 21:46:17

It sounds like the issue is the balance in your relationship. You’re giving more than he is overall and he’s letting you? The angst over the promotion sounds really excessive as does the ironed shirt etc. Does he provide you with emotional support, kindness and help that is non financial?

I don’t live with my bf and we have been together 3 years. I have a DC and cant really move from my area and he has a house renovation and business And is working towards moving to mine (he doesn’t have DC). It’s different to you in that both of us are relatively cash strapped! I have more free time as I work less to be around for DC so I do a few things for bf. I find it helpful to be mindful of the balance. I’m very independent but also caring so it’s easy do things for him while not really accepting his help leading to resentment! It works best when I accept what he offers and don’t overstretch myself. And focus on spending fun time together rather than forcing a more joined lives type relationship. I try and see it as an extended honeymoon period where we dont have to worry about each other’s laundry, who is doing their share of house work etc.

RagingWhoreBag Tue 27-Nov-18 22:05:43

It’s not really about him cheating, I trust him as far as you can trust anyone on that (ie not 100% because we’re all human, but it’s not something I worry about). It’s more about legitimising our relationship, as he was engaged before to the mother of his DCs and I feel sad to have missed out on all of that ‘proper’ relationship stuff. Just perpetually being his GF doesn’t feel like it’s enough.

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RagingWhoreBag Tue 27-Nov-18 22:06:21

But yeah raspberry - I think that’s the way I’m going to have to reframe it to myself.

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LatentPhase Tue 27-Nov-18 22:10:09

Like Raspberry been with my DP 3 years, both have dc.

The angst over his job does sound excessive. I would not iron his shirt, no. Because he is a fully functioning adult with own home etc.

Not living together means you can go easy on the Wifework. Be independent. Enjoy the space. Like an extended honeymoon period. It works like that for DP and I. We still feel ‘committed’. But it feels equal. I think that’s what your getting at?

Plenty of time for the other stuff if/when we ever live together.

Perhaps redress the balance that way, rather than get married and continue as you are (although some people do).

Brel Tue 27-Nov-18 22:50:02

All the things above are imo normal (but equally great) things you would normally do for you partner; and that he should be doing for you (would he?). Normally I don’t like to meddle the financial aspect with the other aspects of a relationship. For me if you can pay someone to do it for you (in a morally legitimate way; so no prostitution etc…), it isn’t worth being in a relationship for. I’ll be honest, I’m confused now. I understand your need to feel supported, but don’t understand your preferred manifestation. You did indeed contribute to him increasing his earning potential. The issue is, you did this by performing the actions that I consider normal in a relationship. You were not actively, hindering your own earning potential (e.g.: taking time off to be a SAHM etc...).

There is no elegant solution here. It’s better for the children to live in separate homes.

swingofthings Wed 28-Nov-18 05:18:08

Sorry but you offering emotional support will be a drop in the ocean of him being where he is. I understand you are thinking of the future as it sounds like you rely on tax credits currently which won't always be thee but ultimately you could have worked and build a career yourself after you kids were in school which you didn't do.

The reality is that he will know you are desperate for him to commit because of you financial insecurities and that's a lot to take on supporting you and three children when he already has two himself. He might question whether you're attached to him is more to his money than him as a person and therefore not want to commit. Maybe he needs the reassurance that you can get a job where you can be more financially independent rather than waiting for him to take over.

That added to the fact that your and his kids don't want to live together anyway which makes marriage and sharing a household difficult anyway.

Winterishere2018 Wed 28-Nov-18 07:48:04

What you describe is normally support throughout you’re relationship, therefor I can’t see why you should be rewarded financially because of support given, it’s not as if you live together and are caring for his children in order for him to progress career wise. You’re relationship is very up and down by you’re own admission, you’re dc don’t want to move in together and I assume it’s highly likely his dc don’t want you all to move in. I can see why he wouldn’t want to support another additional two teenagers on top of his own plus a partner, I would suggest retraining it’s never too late op.

SandyY2K Wed 28-Nov-18 14:09:06

The income disparity seems to be causing you resentment.

Being engaged is not a status in law. It means nothing of there's no intent to marry and as all the kids aren't keen I understand it.

It sounds ungrateful to ask for the cash when you receive a gift.

RagingWhoreBag Wed 28-Nov-18 14:15:07

It sounds ungrateful to ask for the cash when you receive a gift. I know, which is why I wouldn’t. But the alternative is I’m now one of those 40” flat screen TV benefit claimants - he buys me expensive technology but I haven’t got two beans to rub together. I can ask him not to buy me the TV, but I can’t really ask him to do a Tesco shop for me instead.

To be fair, it’s not really about the money - I think that’s just something easy to latch onto to try and explain how separate we are, living totally independent lives from each other. I don’t think engagement or marriage in itself is going to ‘lock him down’ but it would make me feel like our families had to take us seriously as a couple. When he’s invited for Sunday lunch with his family but I’m not included, I would hope that if I was his wife I would be.

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LatentPhase Wed 28-Nov-18 14:56:43

Why do his family not invite you?

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