How long do we wait?

[incywincy9]

I did post this in the 'relationships' topic, but maybe I'll get some answers here...All opinions welcome!

My 10 year relationship ended 13 months ago (we have no kids) and decree Nisi has just been granted, so I'm on my 6 week countdown - Yippee!
I started a new relationship around 9 months ago, and he is also gong through the divorce process, but has a bit longer to go than me because he has 3 children with his ex; and a lot more to sort out. They've been separated for a year and it was a mutual agreement. She started the divorce process.
Although we've talked about our future together etc, I haven't asked him to rush his process as I realise its more complicated. It seems to be going quite smoothly so far though.

He has recently told his ex that we've been spending time together and she went mad has asked that he does not introduce his children to me because she thinks its too soon.
I understand that she would have concerns about someone new in their children's lives, and have agreed that we should be understanding and respectful of her wishes, initially.

My question is.. How long do we give her to get her head round it before we begin to introduce me to the children? Are we setting ourselves up for a lifetime of letting her dictate, or will it serve us better going forward to let her come round to the idea?
How long before he makes the decision himself?

I don't want to upset her or make he dislike me (any more than she probably already does) because I realise that if things work out with this man, she will always be involved in my life and I would like us to be able to get on in the future.. or at least be civil!

[TooSassy]

I think there are a few things going on here.

Firstly, I think you have gone from a 10 year relationship/ marriage (pretty much straightaway) into a new committed relationship. Zero judgement, but have you taken enough time for you? Before you think about moving into a whole new level of commitment by meeting the children, forget about the STXW, is this something you have thought through properly?

Second of all; (assuming you are posting within the UK), no fault divorces are not allowed so as amicable as the split has been, the ex has to have started the process by filing under unreasonable behaviour? The petition can be innocent enough...but have they actually started the process? Has the Nisi been issued? Where are they on the agreement of finances? Child contact arrangements? How old are the children? How are the children coping with it all? How much child contact is your partner wanting? How much does he have them now?

Divorce involving children is horrendous for all involved. Adults and children alike. My divorce on paper was entirely 'amicable' but I can tell you that the emotional turmoil for all was incredibly difficult. If the STBEW has kicked off, it may well be down to good reason. It may not be. But either way, I wouldn't go anywhere near the DC until they have sorted their divorce and they are in the closing stages of getting a decree absolute. (As an aside, if they are getting a binding financial consent order, then there is a question on there that asks 'are you planning on living with someone in the near future?' or something along those lines). Some lawyers go as far as telling their clients not to even date until those financial orders are signed as they can compromise financial agreements. Forget going as far as to introduce a new partner to their children. This part obviously depends on the assets involved.

My advice would also be to not rush the meeting of the kids. Date away from them, focus on building your relationship, because trust me, the minute you introduce children to the dynamic, it can bring stresses and strains (aswell as joy and happiness), but additional things you simply don't need. Let him sort his divorce, at his pace.

It's his decision as to when you meet his children and right now, I think he's doing both the right thing and the smart thing to not push it with the Ex. I think you should respect that and he will let you know when he is ready, be prepared that it may not be until the divorce is done and dusted.

[Magda72]

EVERTHING @TooSassy has said.
Please listen to her great advice.
Moving on post divorce without kids is hard enough but believe me, moving on with kids is possibly one of the toughest things EVER, no matter whether they are your kids, your partners kids or a mix of both.
I am in a relationship with a wonderful man but the fact that there are kids (& therefore exes) involved on both sides has made what is at heart an easy & relaxed relationship unbelievably difficult.
Tread with extreme care.

[swingofthings]

I would add be careful s what he is telling you has gone on with his ex. Not undermining that he is a great man, but experience has shown me than men can be quick to tell their new partner wants to hear.

If you've been together 9 months and they both agree on the separation , why is she only finding out about you now?

[incywincy9]

Thanks for your comments. I really appreciate the advice and it’s given me things to think about.

As I said, I totally understand that things need to happen at a certain pace, especially with his children, and that’s why I haven’t pushed him to do anything.
Yes, I’m in the UK and yes, she has already filed using Unreasonable Behaviour as the reason. They agreed that they would go down that route for speed, and managed to come up with some reasons that they were both ok with.
(As far as I know, their relationship has been rocky for a few years, but they tried to make it work and stayed together for the sake of the kids - It was only about a year ago when she started talking about maybe wanting another baby, that he decided it was time to separate properly.)
They’ve been to mediation and drafted a consent order, but that seems to be what’s holding things up. (Don’t know much more than that. But I know my own consent order took months too, so I’m not surprised.)

He has the children 3 nights a week and is still going to music/football clubs with them etc, and they all seem to have adjusted to things, apart from the expected teething problems.
And the reason he’s only telling her about ‘us/me’ now, is because we were both unsure of how serious our relationship was/would become; especially after both of us just coming out of long term relationships.
I think we’ve both just realised over the past month or so, that we see a future together.

Again, I will definitely tread carefully and not push. Thank you so much for the advice.

[stuffedpeppers]

You are not being respectful of her wishes you are being respectful of the children - their needs worries an insecurities etc

[Cherries101]

I think you definitely should wait, for you more than him. You have been seperated for a year. He has 3 kids and an ex who would basically see you as the other woman. Examine the realility of being with this guy. Are you prepared for the kids hating you or making you leave when they visit? Are you prepared not to have any parenting power or rights but a lot of the responsibilities?

Don’t be so blinded by being with someone that you jump in with someone unsuitable. Have you dated other people since your divorce? I actually think you should — will help you build perspective.

[incywincy9]

Surely by listening to her, and me not meeting the children at this point, we are respecting her wishes? We haven’t gone against what she’s asked and I do understand that she has feelings of worry.

Ultimately, I think his attitude is that although he would like to remain civil with his ex, that his children and their needs and worries are a priority and take president. He knows them and thinks they are able to deal with meeting a new person at this stage.

But again, going back to my original post.. I really don’t want to upset her or cause her any unnecessary hurt.
I’m at the back end of a divorce too, and although I don’t have children, it was an incredibly traumatic end to our marriage so I can relate to the hurt you feel when things break down.

I really just wanted advice on how long others think is a reasonable amount of time to explain to his ex that he feels like his new relationship is established and secure enough that he wants his children to meet someone new.

[HerondaleDucks]

Lovely advice for you on this thread.
I would also be concerned that your immediate thoughts are of the exw.
It's the children that will dominate your life from the moment you meet them.
Are you prepared for all his free time to be spent with them and not you on your own? Are you prepared for the sacrifices that need to be made to your home environment if you choose to live with this man? Are you prepared to put these children first when you spend time with them at last? Are you prepared for the fact they may be patented differently from how you would do it? Do you want children of your own?
I implore you to think very carefully about all of this before you meet them! I would strongly advise you take time for yourself after the end of your previous relationship. And read through all the posts on this board. All of them.
3 kids is a big deal and depending on how the divorce is handled they could hate you, ignore you, resent you etc.
I know it sounds like scaremongering but step parenting does require a certain degree of commitment and compromise.

[TooSassy]

OP, you are respecting her wishes and for now I think it’s the best thing for everyone. Including you.

All the posts here are balanced and I can tell you none of us are scare mongering. The introduction of children completely unequivocally changes the dynamic of a relationship. Step parenting is so hard. I understand that at the stage you’re at, its hard to feel excluded from something so important to your partner. But right now he needs to spend that focussed time with his DC, without anyone new coming into the picture.

I will also say one thing. I doubt that the STBEW is as amicable as you think. She wanted another baby and he decided to pull the plug? Strikes me that she wasn’t ready for it to be over, your partner was. That could mean that she isn’t emotionally as advanced with this as he is. Maybe he should be respectful of that too?

My advice remains as is. Get the legals done. Signed and sealed. Then revisit it. Now is not the time.

[incywincy9]

Thanks so much everyone. I really will take on all the advice you’ve given.

[incywincy9]

TooSassy; thanks so much! I probably needed to hear that.

[Dori68]

I think it is about where you are, I know someone that refused their ex husband to introduce their partner for a long time, then the mother met someone, went on holiday with the DD and her new partner, and then the mother split up with her partner shortly after. Meanwhile, the husband couldn’t introduce his partner to whom he is now married. Introducing a new partner to a child is complicated and so should only be done when it is right for everyone, and with no pressure, although life isn’t always perfect... but there isn’t a time on it, it depends on how relationships develop, and longer isn’t always a bad thing.

Having said that, have a conversation to understand and make sure you aren’t a lot more committed to the relationship than he is.

[Magda72]

I too agree that now knowing she wanted to have another baby & your partner said no adds a whole new layer to their split.
I'm not scaremongering either but my dp had, what seemed on the surface to be, an amicable split. It was a mutual decision and things were relatively calm until I came on the scene (2 years after their divorce). What dp didn't foresee was that his ex was ok with their divorce so long as he didn't move on; ie so long as her illusion of the first & only family was maintained! Emotionally she still thought of herself as his wife & to this day she still does.
When she realized we were serious & the reality of being divorced was staring her straight in the face she kicked off big time & things have now been fraught for the last 3 years.
The only saving grace is that they were well divorced by the time we met & so legally she doesn't have a leg to stand on despite her trying to get more maintenance/change access etc. etc.
Hold steady until his divorce is sorted. If she's not as happy with divorcing as he is she will most likely see you as a threat & that could hold things up even more.
This board has many posts from women (mainly) who are involved with men who are not fully divorced for whatever reason, & honestly all of them are struggling in what are highly stressful situations.
To give a balanced view of things I was also the ex wife who was left, but in my case he left for the ow. I know you're not the ow, but when your husband is more keen to split than you are & you are then presented with the existence of his new partner in the midst of a divorce; when you're still technically husband & wife & you're trying to get your kids out the far side of said divorce, it's hard not to see your (ex)h's moving so quickly on as highly inappropriate & massively unhelpful.
Finally, I needed at least 3 years post divorce to find my feet & to learn to be by myself & it was the best thing I could ever have done. I know now that I can be (happily) alone & while I would be gutted if dp & I ever split - my world would not end as I once thought it would.

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

Really good advice from @magda and @toosassy. They’ve both been there and have credible experience of what you are going through. It may feel simple at the moment, just the hurdle of meeting the kids, however the split for both of you is very fresh still.

[swingofthings]

Waiting and taking things slow after a divorce is good BUT getting more growing more in love and committed in the relationship without meeting the children is also a risk. What if you really dislike them? What if you think they are spoilt brats and think the way his ex but also your OH brings them up goes totally against your views and being around them makes you miserable?

It's a difficult balance to find. Too early and unresolved conflict can lead to stress that overtakes the relationship. Too late and you feel you can't leave after all this time invested in thexrelstiinship and convince yourself problems with the children will be resolved, except more often then not, they get worse.

I think much depends on how the children have taken the separation and whether they have moved on feeling quite settled or they are still struggling with the upheavals they've been through.

[Movingon86]

It is very difficult to say when. For me I am still single almost 1yr post split n nisi is being herd early Dec. Stbxh introduced ds to ow within weeks i say introduced ds already knew her but not as ow etc... it went ok till stbxh moved in and blending the families started. They have separated twice and are now back together which is extremely frustrating for ds and no doubt ow childeren too. They now live in seprate houses and I have insisted on not trying to 're blend the families until the relationship is more stable, which has been met with anger and frustration from ow and stbxh. All i would say I take it slowly and think of the impact on the childeren as they should be priority. Obvs my story is different ad OP is not an OW.