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I don't want my partner's son to live with us

(59 Posts)
Audreykicks Mon 19-Nov-18 13:52:14

I feel like the worst person in the world. I have 2 boys (both 4 but not twins!) and my partner has a 7 year old. His son has been living with us for 2 weeks now and is set to stay. his mum has mental health problems and in my view is a waste of space in general but for whatever reason she is happy for him to come to us. I struggle with a few physical health conditions and mental health, I struggle to cope sometimes anyway but I just don't want another child! I didn't get any choice in the matter and I have never bonded with his son. He's rude and spoilt and I feel on edge all the time. I am expected to care for him, wash his clothes, cook for him, and everything a mother would. But I don't want to! My boyfriend pretty much moved in with other asking me preoprly and I feel so trapped! I can't talk to him cos it's his son and of course it's what's best for him that counts. I get that and that's why I haven't said no but do I really resign myself to being unhappy for the next 15 years?!
My eldest son has problems at school and is being assessed for Autism etc. I don't like the way my children behave around his son and they've had a tough life already due to their difficult father, house fire, robbery, I could go on.
Please help me! Do I sacrifice my happiness for a kid who doesn't even like me? or do I end my relationship? My partner will move out if I say his son can't live here. He is a great Dad and I know he would chose his son but who the hell am I to ask someone to do that anyway?!

OP’s posts: |
RomanyRoots Mon 19-Nov-18 13:57:22

Part of me says you knew he had a son and that he would come first.
His mum obviously can't cope atm so your bf is needed to parent.

However, this isn't your job, you have children and enough going on.
he shouldn't have just moved in and that's the problem, along with expecting you to look after his son.
You need to ask him to move out, tell him you weren't ready and he just drifted in. Make it clear you are not going to be a child minder for his child.

cheesefield Mon 19-Nov-18 13:58:35

How did he end up moving in without asking? Does he pay you rent?

How long have you been together?

ohreallyohreallyoh Mon 19-Nov-18 13:59:45

You do what you consider best for you and your children. You do not expect a father to not live with his children full time because you don't want to bother with the hassle of it. There's not really any room for compromise, is there?

The ex with mental health problems is a 'waste of space' yet your own mental health issues count?

IStandWithPosie Mon 19-Nov-18 14:00:08

Tell your boyfriend to leave! He is taking the absolute piss! You don’t just move in and then move a child in without a conversation. Tell him he has to find somewhere else to live.

HirplesWithHaggis Mon 19-Nov-18 14:00:38

Yes, you need to end your relationship. Your dp is a user, moved in without your full agreement and now dumps all.of his parental duties on you. This is not sustainable.

Presumably you don't want to chuck them.out right now, but I would suggest an end of January deadline, and stick with it.

ZigZagZebras Mon 19-Nov-18 14:01:56

It sounds like he moved in too quickly for you, could you suggest continuing the relationship but with him and his DS living separately to you and your DC for now.
You may find with some space and once his DC has had time to adjust to the huge change of not living with his mum anymore that things improve and in the future living together might be an option.

Marcipex Mon 19-Nov-18 14:07:25

It doesn't sound as if this is ever going to work.
Anyway, if you don't want to, you don't have to.
You can see that in this 2 weeks , there's already a deterioration in your own child's behaviour. You must be concerned. Your children are likely to copy an older child, and you don't like that child's behaviour.
It's not likely to work out in the long run, so better to call a halt now.

TooSassy Mon 19-Nov-18 14:18:52

So many questions but I’ll just come back to this.
Put yourself and your DC first. I am concerned that you say he moved in without asking/ this being agreed (???) so there’s red flags galore for me on this. Are there any counselling services you can use to help support you as I (in a non judgemental way) don’t understand how this has happened.

You have to put your own well-being and those of your DC first. Simply tell your partner that he needs to find his own home for him and his Dc.

Audreykicks Mon 19-Nov-18 14:20:38

Thank you for all your thoughts! I really feel that there is no way we can compromise because like so many of you said, he can't just ignore his responsibilities. That's why I feel so awful, I can't ask him to do that!
His little boy has been raised very differently to my boys. He is allowed to play Grand theft auto and eats whatever he likes etc. He's used to being an only child and it must be a huge change for him, something I also feel guilty about as I'm unable to offer that security he needs.
My partner and I have been seeing each other about 18 months but he moved in a few months ago. His son's mum is (in my opinion) a waste of space for not caring about her son enough and generally creating drama every day. Her mental health is quite specific and managed, I wasn't insulating that mental health issues make someone a waste of space by any means!

OP’s posts: |
cheesefield Mon 19-Nov-18 14:23:10

Tell him you've noticed that he's essentially moved himself in without asking, and you are feeling overwhelmed.

Does he have his own place? Tell him you need some space.

Quartz2208 Mon 19-Nov-18 14:38:50

I think given the complexity you have moved to fast.

It is not good for you or your children or his and I think living separately is the best for everyone

Audreykicks Mon 19-Nov-18 14:42:26

He did have his own place but he gave it up to move in here. I don't really know how it happened, I'm not as lame as I sound by but just sort of happened and I before I knew it he was all moved in! My boys dad has an older son and I looked after him and had a brilliant relationship with him and his mum, we still do. So I'm not new to step parenting. It just feels so different this time.
To top it all off my partner is on the phone to his ex every day for ages, advising her and helping her. Sorting out her messes. For the record she was awful to him, she cheated, lied, and spent all his money. Even accused him of assaulting her to stop him seeing his son. She's admitted this all so I know it's true. So I just don't get why he needs to get involved beyond the parameters of his sons welfare.

OP’s posts: |
Spanglyprincess1 Mon 19-Nov-18 14:47:07

Op why is it one or the other? Just say situation has changed and you can't cope. You don't want to split up nessisarily but he needs to live with him n his son and you can date so to speak and see each other at weekends. That way all the children get space.
He needs to care for his child not you - this would give him the opportunity to do so.

steppemum Mon 19-Nov-18 14:50:23

sit down with your boyfriend.
tell him that lovign together as one family is not working for you.
You would like him and his son to find their own place by Christmas.
Happy for relationship to continue as a non live-in one.

If that is NOT what you want, because you want boyfriend, then you need to think long and hard about how you go forward with him and his son.

So, this house, these rules? Expect chaos for a few weeks until he settles down.
Or your bf steps right up in the parenting stakes and you do nothing for the lad?

Oh blimey, just read the update - he is so looking to you to provide the childcare for his son

Audreykicks Mon 19-Nov-18 14:56:25

I spoke to him earlier and said I couldn't cope and he just took it very personally and said I blamed his son for everything. He said he will find somewhere else to live. But then he came in later and acted like all was normal. He's working till late and I'll collect his son from school and take care of him. Then get him up for school, pack his lunch, make sure he's ready etc. As well as my two boys. By the way they all go to different schools!

OP’s posts: |
Atalune Mon 19-Nov-18 15:00:05

You should spilt with your partner if you’re unwilling to be a step parent.

That really is the bottom line.

Audreykicks Mon 19-Nov-18 15:04:56

I think you're right. Although I feel your choice of words was slightly accusatory. I have been a willing step parent for years. It is not about my willingness, it is about my children, my bond with his son, and the lack of respect shown by my partner, his son, and his ex. For example, last week they had a meeting at Costa to discuss the arrangements...it was my partner, his ex, and her new partner. I was at home because nobody had invited me or even told me that was happening!

OP’s posts: |
ShalomJackie Mon 19-Nov-18 15:06:12

The boy plays GTA and is fussy about food because it is what he is used to.

2 options call it a day and end the relationship.

Or, perhaps give the boy a chance. Tell him quietly but firmly our house our rules. Give him the chance to adapt and settle in to how things will be living in your house. This will only work if (a) you want it to and (b) your bf agrees that the boundaries have to be put in place and you present a united front about rules and acceptable behavior.

cheesefield Mon 19-Nov-18 15:09:04

Why isn't your DP getting him up and dressed and packing his lunch?

MrBirlingsAwfulWife Mon 19-Nov-18 15:10:20

He did have his own place but he gave it up to move in here. I don't really know how it happened

That really isn't a sound basis for any blended family. You have not been fair to either your DC or his.

Your DP needs to move out.

notthiscrapagain Mon 19-Nov-18 15:10:20

End this relationship. Seriously. Your own kids come first and this sounds very detrimental to them.

cheesefield Mon 19-Nov-18 15:12:30

OP - what is he paying towards the household???

timeisnotaline Mon 19-Nov-18 15:14:40

I think your dp moving himself in is the problem and you should move him back out again. It’s not really about the little boy, you might feel completely differently if his dad had discussed it with you and agreed he can’t play GTA and said he will dp morning school runs for all the children .... but it doesn’t seem to have crossed his mind that parenting his child might involve , you know , parenting. - except from you that is. Ask him to leave. I assume he’s not on any tenancy agreement so you can make him leave.

Escolar Mon 19-Nov-18 15:15:25

I think your boyfriend is using you as unpaid childcare for his son.

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