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Step-parenting

How to ask dss (10) for privacy ahead of new baby

112 replies

Yabbadabbadoooo · 18/11/2018 08:21

Long time lurker first time asker.
My dss is 10, and I’ve been in his life since he was 6. Historically he would come flying into our bedroom every morning when he’s here for contact, and when he was younger I didn’t mind, he was only small. As he got older I got more uncomfortable with it, as he climbed into bed with us and lay between us (we have a great relationship and I love him to bits...BUT I sleep in my undies and a t shirt. I’m his stepmum so I feel it’s inappropriate as he gets older especially as I didn’t give birth to him. I also don’t want to make him feel uncomfortable because of my choice of sleepwear so I try to wiggle away and sneak pj bottoms on). So when he was 9 I asked him to start knocking in case I was sleeping with my bum hanging out of bed (appealing to his love of toilet humour). He sort of knocks but to be honest it’s more of a opening and knocking simultaneously.
Anyhoo me and DH have been ttc (we broached the subject of dss having a little brother or sister as a possibility when we married and he was excited). I’m now pregnant though it’s very early days. I would like to ask DSS to not come through to us every morning, NOW, so he doesn’t associate this with the new baby. That way when we start sharing news of the pregnancy a few months down the line he hopefully won’t feel pushed out by impending arrival. As I get bigger and heavier I will want more privacy and chances are I’ll want to fling the sheets off when hot etc and when baby arrives I will want privacy In bed to breastfeed. I feel like sorting this out now and just explaining it as I want privacy in the mornings to get dressed and stuff is better, and that when I’m sorted I’ll open the bedroom door and he’s welcome to come through. I have also noticed when he snuggles up to me when watching tv he sort of touches my breasts and I mentioned it to DH but genuinely don’t know if he’s unaware he’s doing it or if he’s being inappropriate without realising as he is getting to tween age. So as I am not the woman who gave birth to him and don’t have that biological connection I want to establish some kind of boundary now really. Is what I’ve suggested ok?? I have also told dss he’s more than welcome to go down on his own and watch his cartoons on tv if he’s up and about before us but he doesn’t do this (when I was his age having the tv to myself of a morning was glorious). Really want to strike a healthy balance between decent privacy for me and establishing bond between dss and his sibling so any experience /advice much appreciated.

OP posts:
RancidOldHag · 18/11/2018 08:39

Have DH intercept him and take him off for breakfast every time he invades the bedroom.

Eep goingbwith snugglng up on the sofa though, that'll be over in a flash. If he inadvertently squished any part of your body, just tell him you're uncomfortable and ask him to move a bit.

coolcrispwinter · 18/11/2018 08:44

Light weight bolt on your bedroom door? He'll have to knock then.

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay · 18/11/2018 08:51

It is lovely that he is so comfortable with you and I think you need to tread carefully. Have a proper chat about privacy for you and him.

As for the breasts. Boobs are soft and comfy. Don't read more into it than that. To him it's no different than playing with your hair or holding your hand.

Yabbadabbadoooo · 18/11/2018 09:01

@ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay I did wonder that myself, and wondered if it’s just that with boobs I represent something maternal and provide comfy-ness - it’s just that he’s getting to “that” age that him stroking my boobs sent alarm bells going off in my head Confused
@coolcrispwinter I feel like a bolt on the door would make him feel locked out rather than him respecting privacy Sad

OP posts:
TooSassy · 18/11/2018 09:07

Tread carefully so he doesn’t feel excluded.

I agree with the PP who says your DH should intercept his DS and take him to the sofa etc for snuggles. Or simply say let’s let yabba rest. But I do also think he should be allowed to come in for morning cuddles with his dad. Remember he will be seeing a baby in bed with daddy and you, in his mind why won’t he be allowed to come in too? Perhaps stays on the side with his dad?

I think as he gets older (and he gets told about the birds and the bees) he will naturally not want to wander in anyway.

Yabbadabbadoooo · 18/11/2018 09:13

@TooSassy I just want to ask him to wait until we open the bedroom door once I’m decent/finished breastfeeding etc then he can come in for snuggles rather than him deciding to come in of his own accord.

OP posts:
Yabbadabbadoooo · 18/11/2018 09:15

@TooSassy and feel that by getting this routine now means he hopefully will see it as a respect for privacy rather than suddenly not allowed to wander in because his stepmum is pregnant /is breastfeeding a baby Smile

OP posts:
Escolar · 18/11/2018 09:20

OP, I'm honestly not someone who thinks that the stepmother is always the one who should accommodate the needs of the stepchild. But in this particular situation, couldn't it be easily solved by you sleeping in pyjamas or a nightie?

Honestly, it's lovely to think of him rushing in for morning cuddles. And it won't last for much longer.

I have a 10yo who also sometimes touches my breasts when we're sitting close together, and even though he's my biological child it does make me feel uncomfortable. I don't say anything but I do gently remove him or shuffle to a different position.

Escolar · 18/11/2018 09:21

I think it's ok for him to see you breastfeeding in bed? Surely he'll see you breastfeeding during the day anyway?

Jenala · 18/11/2018 09:25

I think your DH needs to be getting up and showing him this. Otherwise it's going to be hard not to make him feel excluded, particularly once the baby is here and he'll be on his own outside the room while you, DH and baby are inside. Maybe he gets up and says the rule now is you knock and wait to be called in, and he gets up, goes out with DSS and they knock and wait for you to call together. Eventually hopefully then do this himself. If so far all you've asked is for him to knock first then to his mind he's doing what you've asked. You need to add knock then wait for me to let you know it's ok.

Another thing is it won't be that when he knocks you can just 'finish' breastfeeding, get decent and then say come in, like you can if you just grab some PJ bottoms. It could be another 20 minutes or more til baby has finished depending on the timing. Also think about breastfeeding in front of him in general, if you intend to breastfeed then it will need to happen in front of him or it's going to be really difficult for you.

totallycluelessoverhere · 18/11/2018 09:26

At 10 even if it was my biological child I would start trying to encourage him to go downstairs and watch tv instead of coming into our bed. I think the way of doing it is just that when he comes into your room one of you immediately gets up and goes downstairs with him so he doesn’t have chance to get in bed with you.
The breastfeeding issue is weird though because newborns feed constantly so he will see you breastfeeding anyway unless you plan to spend 20 hours a day feeding in the bedroom.

lunar1 · 18/11/2018 09:27

I think your husband just needs to be up first. How would his son feel having to knock and wait for permission to enter a room where his dad is snuggled in bed with his new happy family.

Let him get used to the idea that his dad is always up and they get dad and son time in the morning. This way he is losing nothing, not being pushed out at all and he gets dad to himself for a bit. Then you can just get up with the baby when you are ready.

Yabbadabbadoooo · 18/11/2018 09:30

Thanks for all answers so far. With regard to breastfeeding I honestly don’t know what’s best and thought maybe I should go upstairs to feed rather than make dss feel uncomfortable?

OP posts:
ASauvignonADay · 18/11/2018 09:31

I'd be careful of his feelings - he could very easily feel pushed out and unwanted. And it sounds like he wants to have a good relationship with you. But not nice for you if you feel uncomfortable. Re the cuddling up - he's at an age where i doubt he'll be doing that for much longer.

Yabbadabbadoooo · 18/11/2018 09:32

When I was a child i didn’t go into parents room until they had brought a cup of tea up and then would go in for chat and cuddles. I watched television/read/played until then!

OP posts:
ASauvignonADay · 18/11/2018 09:32

Dss might not feel uncomfortable if you normalise it from the start?
How often does he stay with you or is it full time?

Cachailleacha · 18/11/2018 09:33

I wouldn't have a problem with a child seeing me breastfeeding, it's important to normalise breastfeeding for him, as he could be a father himself in 10 years.

totallycluelessoverhere · 18/11/2018 09:34

Breastfeeding is normal so you shouldn’t feel the bed to hide and believe me unless you plan to spend 20 hours a day in the bedroom for the first six weeks it will not be possible to prevent dss from seeing you feed. Bf isn’t something that needs to be hidden from children of any age.

ASauvignonADay · 18/11/2018 09:34

I honestly don't ever remember trying to snuggle in bed with my parents.. I only remember sneaking downstairs to watch tv!!!

Maybe he is worried about being left out?

Karwomannghia · 18/11/2018 09:37

Don’t say anything that makes him feel excluded, like ‘can you stop coming in in the morning’, just work around changing his habits without making him feel pushed out so he doesn’t really realise.

Yabbadabbadoooo · 18/11/2018 09:40

@ASauvignonADay he’s with us 50/50
@Cachailleacha that is true. I honestly don’t know how to play it, if dss was actually dsd I wouldn’t have any qualms about breastfeeding in front of her or her coming into bed etc, I always feel extra cautious because he isn’t my child (biologically) and feel like maybe I’m overly aware of potentially inappropriate situations, im not sure how DH’s ex feels about her son climbing into bed with his dad and a woman who isn’t his own mother but I’ve read so many posts from mothers who feel uncomfortable about it! I know it’s perhaps ridiculous but if I had given birth to him I wouldn’t care really because I’d have made him in my own body. I hope that makes sense Grin

OP posts:
countrybunny · 18/11/2018 09:41

This sounds odd - he will see you breast feeding anyway as you don't just do it in bed? I don't understand what your problem is.

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Yabbadabbadoooo · 18/11/2018 09:42

@ASauvignonADay yes I was the same, went downstairs had the tv to myself watched all my fave shows and then dad would come down to make tea and I would go upstairs to sit on their bed and have a natter!

OP posts:
shecamefromgreece · 18/11/2018 09:42

Honestly? I think you need to suck it up a bit I know your pregnant but he will be feeling worried about this baby and how it will affect his position in the family if anything I would have thought he would need more cuddles in bed. As others have said have dp head him off but sometimes I think he needs to be let in.
As for the breastfeeding if you plan on going upstairs to feed every time you are going to spend along time up there as it's all they want to do in the early days. As a mum of four and two step kids I would feed anywhere and if dss had a problem he could go elsewhere he never did though he just saw it as a normal thing. He would often come and have a nosey and say things like "ooh they're are really sucking they must be hungry" which at first felt a bit odd but he just saw my boobs as a way of feeding.
Blended families can be tricky but I just tried not to over think things, congratulations by the way!!Thanks

Stillwishihadabs · 18/11/2018 09:43

He is 10, he is still a little boy. Of course he should be allowed in to his father's bedroom in the morning (or as others say his Dad gets up and snuggles up on the sofa) either way he is entitled to morning cuddles for a few years yet. As for not seeing you feed the baby I'm afraid that is totally impractical. Have you any idea how many hours of the day newborns spend at the breast ? ( at least 8-10). He will be naturally curious and facinated by it, personally i think that's a hugely beneficial thing as in the future it will be one less adult male who is not comfortable with breasts being used for their intended purpose. Sorry OP as others say just start wearing more covered up night clothes (as we all do when our Dcs get older)

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