My 20 years old step son is ruining our marriage

[Ngoc]

I married my husband when his son already 18 years old. Before, he lived with his mom but then they go in the big fight and he moved to us. At first, I tried to be nice and understanding “teenage” but then I saw he just taken advantage on us. Like, he party everyday, have like 10 friends sleep over every night and digging my foods. I’m non-smoking and non-drinking but my stepson smoked weeds in the house all the time even I said no, my house always stinks. So noisy at night even I had 2 kids under ages who need sleep early and I was pregnant at that time too. And he doesn’t go school, doesn’t go work, not helping around the house, one time I asked him babysitting the kids so I can go doctor for a couple hours, and he locked them in the room and left the house, even didn’t lock the front door to go out with his friends, just called us at the middle at the doctor appointment to say he leaving now. Anytime we just left the house then he let the drunk friends come in to smoke and eating our foods. He even sneaky his friends in at 3am, from the window of his room when we put the alarm on. So one day, enough is enough, I put my feet down and tell him he needs follow my rules or he out, then he was so mean with me, called me mental woman, crazy as f*, Asian bitch. We was on the huge fight and my husband even he stand up for me with his son but in weak way. And after that I cannot like and stand my stepson anymore. And that’s 1 year ago.

1 year after, he still here, still no work no school, just playing game all day long, even cannot clean up after himself. And he slowly ruining our marriage. Because like I said, I don’t like him, I’m feeling ashamed about myself to saying that but that’s true, I don’t like him and need living with him everyday make me feel angry and miserable. And everyday, I keep fighting with his dad because he doesn’t want to ask him move out if he cannot find someone to take care for his son!!! And with me, that answer like his son will live here forever because who will want to adopt a 20 years old adult who do nothing but playing game and smoke weeds?? His mom even didn’t want he come back to the house, she even told me that if I cannot handle him then just kick him out but my husband just cannot do that with his dear son. And this is my husband’s house so yes I don’t have any voice about that, he kept telling me he will solve it and give a deadline but when the time is coming he always found some bs excuses to refuse to do that. He said his son is getting better (no friends come overnight anymore, no smoke weeds in the house anymore but that because last time I got so mad to his son and his friends so I kicked them all out and tell them they don’t allow in my house anymore) and I’m a terrible stepmom wants to let “a kid” live inn the street like that. A couple months before I told him that if he doesn’t want to ask his son move out then I and the kids will move because I don’t want to live like that anymore, and he said to me he cannot live separate so if I move out that mean we will divorce. I just came the country after married him, and our new born just 4 months, our kids is 1 is 7 and 1 is 2. I have no friends or family in this country. So yes, when he said that, I scared and don’t move out anymore. But I don’t feel happy and comfortable to live in the same house with my stepson either. I’m feeling lost, empty and sad everyday. I cried every night and every time I heard or saw my stepson I fell annoyed. My family is a tradition family in a tradition country, I cannot come back there with 3 kids after divorced. Nowadays I just feel so lost, I don’t want to see my stepson anymore. I don’t know what to do anymore.

[crumble82]

Speak to your family and tell them what is going on and how it’s affecting your children (their grandchildren). They might surprise you. It sounds like a horrible situation

[Weenurse]

You are caught between a lazy stepson and weak father.
Do not cook or clean for step son. Do not provide him with food or do his washing. Make sure you vacuum outside his toon at 9 am and if he yells, tell him to get a job.
Turn off wifi at 10 pm and not on again until after school, if he complains, tell him to gets job and pay for his own.
Get DH to back you up in this.
Good luck

[Ngoc]

I tried to talk to my family but they just told me try to handle the situation. They don’t support divorce.

And I tried to tell my stepson is get a job too, but he keep find excuses to don’t do that. And when I turn off wifi, he just come back and turn that back, and my husband just don’t dare to stand to his son. He even told us that he will apply for welfare programs and get the money but we still need support him and that money is his money and he can buy whatever he wants with that, and I said no, not happen in my house, I told him if he wants apply that program he will need move out, and he told me that money never can cover all the bills and foods and rent and his needs so he won’t do that and move out. He went around and lying about me & my husband too, like we don’t feed him (actually I don’t cook for him because he eat like 10 times a day, and he go around telling people that we let him starving), I hide every good stuffs from him (I put away all dishes and just put a couple at kitchen enough to use because he dirty ALL dishes just for 1 day and we are the one who need clean that), we don’t do this we don’t do that for him. Just so ungrateful.

[crumble82]

What do your 3 children think of him. If they’re unhappy too your husband needs to be made to see that he is putting his adult son ahead of his 3 young children. Your DH sounds incredibly weak, I feel for you.

[swingofthings]

What a horrible situation to be in but it sounds like you rush into marriage with a foreigner knowing little about him and clearly nothing about his family.

His son might have mental health issues or at least that's what his father thinks and therefore is a armed what he could do if left to his own devises. He might right or not but clearly its an awful situation.

Not sure what the solution is. Do you gain British nationality since your move? If not, you might not even have a right to remain in the UK if you separate. I hope things will get better with the son and he will indeed move out with support at some time.

[Ngoc]

We lived together for 3 years at my country before moved to Canada. We moved here because better education for our kids and my husband has a better job here than my country. I know all about his son but before I came (and after I came for a couple months) his son lived full time with his mom and just came visit dad at weekends so it didn’t bother me. And before I came here, my husband also told me that his son won’t live with us because he’s living with his mom so I didn’t really expect this situation. He just moved to our house after fight with his mom and refused to leave

[Ngoc]

My 3 kids aren’t really bother by him because they actually didn’t see each other a lot. He always stay in his room to playing video game and just out when need something from us. And he doesn’t have any health issues and my husband doesn’t want him live in the house either, always complain about his son but he just cannot ask his son move out because he thinks his son is still a kid and he doesn’t want put the kid in the street, or move out when he know no one will give him free house free foods like us

[EdisonLightBulb]

Is ŷour visa permanent now, can you stay in Canada and move out with the younger children and apply for some kind of welfare programme/maintenance. Your step son won't last two minutes in a house with his dad when you aren't there to pick up all the pieces and your DH has to do everything you are doing.

Leave them to it, try and form a life for yourself and your children.

[Ngoc]

I’m thinking about will try to wait until my new born is 1 year old and if nothing get better we will move out. I don’t want to get welfare programs, feeling bad when come here and then get that program when I don’t have health issues and can work. I have PR card and all my kids are Canadian, but if we go the worst way is divorced then I think I will moved back to my country, just don’t let my family know about that. Just feeling sad and don’t have anyone to talk about this situation, thank you for all you guys

[lunar1]

Share abouts are your family from? Things are changing. My husband was terrified of telling his family when he divorced his first wife, they didn't have children and moved to England and lived separately immediately. I think they were here 2 years before they told their respective families. By all accounts they took it well.

Everyone was very accepting of me when we went to India to get married, it just depends where you are from I guess.

[Ngoc]

I’m from Vietnam. I divorced 1 time before with my ex husband because he cheated on me, so that’s why it’s hard to accept for my family if I divorced again. At my first divorced, I already got a lot trouble like they said I’m a loser when divorced like that, I’m useless etc etc. My husband now is caring, and loving, and good husband, he just doesn’t know how to say No with his kid. And his kid is the only problem between us, before his son came to live here, we never fight because anything, and now fight everyday because only that.

[HeckyPeck]

It does sound like moving out would be the best thing for you. You can’t change what your husband wants to do and it doesn’t look like he’ll ever make his son move out. It’s crazy that he’d make all his other kids move out with you rather than sort out his oldest.

How long until your youngest is one? Do you think you could wait that long? Have you looked up what maintenance he would have to pay?

I think you’ll be much happier away from the awful living situation you’re in now.

[Heyitzme]

Situations such as yours is truly heartbraking...and i can so relate to how you must be feeling.

We have been married for over 9yrs... the nightmares his son (my step son) has been causing has never stopped. And my spouse just doesnt see it. We have other kids too..and my husband is quick to see any faults of theirs...but when its to do with his son (the eldest from all our kids)...only on rare occations he will lose his temper at the boy who has by now at 20 drained me of my patience.
I wish he was never with us....we could have actually been a happy family. But all the argumemts we have had through the years is coming to a close because i just cant go on in this marriage anymore.

Its a Very sad situation... when it comes to some step kids who ruin potentially happy families.
If only they can become accountable for their actions and realize...that they already have had their parents separated..and although its a very tough thing for them to go through...it is what it is..and here they get another chance of having a family.. so why not try to live peaceful and happy. It is "life"..and they need to understand that... no one gets things just the way they want...and losing parents in a divorce is just one of them.

I hope you find strength within you to move out if your husband cant try correct his son and save his marriage.
Take care...and thank God you are in Canada... just do what you have to do... and if your family wont support you...you are certain to find that support from caring people at support groups.

But still i say...try to save your marriage.and i pray..that your circumstances will change..but only for the better..

Sending you hugs..

[Anuta77]

Hi Ngoc,
don't listen to your family, they are putting you down and their lack of compassion says a lot about them. Live your life the way it's better for you. It's not your fault.
I don't know in what province you live, but in QC, being a single mother with 3 kids, you'll get good very good maintenance from the federal and the provincial instances. I'm sure you're getting them now, but you'll get more if separated. There are a lot of organisations that help mothers with small children. Is there a Vietnamese community where you live?
A separation could allow your husband to deal with his son and if you still love each other, nothing prevents you from getting back together once the situation is solved. But it's not good for you to be permanently unhappy. Your children feel it too and it affects them.

[HerRoyalNotness]

Sounds awful! Have a think about how you can get yourself back into work when your baby is 1yo. What skills do you have, what did you do before?

I’m not sure which province you’re in but when I was in Quebec daycare was $7.50 a day, very affordable. Schools also had before and after care through the YMCA for a reasonable cost. Make some plans for how you can support yourself in Canada, and if things haven’t changed by your deadline, Carry them out.