step daughter comparing herself to her baby sister

[timelord92]

My 1 year old daughter is quite intelligent for her age I’ve been told by other people. This seems to be making my step daughter jealous. A few times when us, grandparents, etc on both sides have said how clever the baby is, my step daughter has turned around and said ‘well she’d better not be as intelligent as me’ in a kind of jokey but not way.

When the baby was a bit younger and she’d cross baby milestones like walk, eat for the first time, etc she would say ‘oh I did that at such a such age didn’t i’ making a reference that she was younger and therefore better. She’s 15 btw so not exactly a baby herself by any means.

Also, She normally stays at her mums xmas eve and comes to us xmas day in the evening but this year her mum has told her she can come to ours xmas eve if she wants but she originally said she wouldn’t as she feels guilty leaving her mum on her own. However, now she’s said coming xmas eve this year to see the baby open up her xmas presents but she wants dropping by off at her mums for 10am xmas day so she can have breakfast with her mum. The baby most days doesn’t wake up till half 9 anyway. I find this a little strange.

Should this be a worrying scenario for us or is it just usual teenage stuff? We have tried including her in everything that we do btw, we never leave her out of holidays, she has the bigger room out of kids room, and since the babies birth she’s decided to come every week instead of eow so she’s here a lot more too.

[AssassinatedBeauty]

It's obvious that her new half sibling is making her feel a little anxious about her position in the family. I'd cut her some slack on this and get her Dad to keep reassuring her.

I don't think the Christmas request is strange at all, it sounds like a good compromise to me.

[TimetohittheroadJack]

My children always want to hear about themselves as babies, for example what age did I walk, what was my first word. As teenagers we have already had these conversations numerous times usually when we go visit people with babies. I think it’s more of a comfort thing, they obviously can’t remember and just want to hear you remembering Stuff about them.
Maybe your SD just wants you(or her father) to say things like - oh remember who SD used to love when we read her X book - or remember when SD used to want to watch the tellitubbies none stop?
I think the Christmas thing is understandable too, the magic is lost when Santa is gone and everyone wants an envelope of money and some chicks.

[TimetohittheroadJack]

Chocs obviously. Chicks would be great fun though....

[funinthesun18]

If I’m honest that would annoy me.
My 13 year old sdd is nothing like that with her baby sister.

[Thundercracker]

Also - in the nicest possible way - everyone likes to hear and say babies are clever but you can’t really judge the intelligence of a one year old!

[Worriedmummybekind]

Please please be kind. I have a sibling that is a lot younger and feel the same way even though I’m not a step sibling. I adored my little sibling but also felt all the teenage things of being replaced and being not as good. Embrace her and keep telling her what an amazing big sister she is, how much little x takes after her. Lay it on thick. It’s natural and she just needs reassurance. It’s sweet that she wants to see baby open her presents. If you really don’t think the morning will work then say you will save the big present until she gets there are you don’t want it to be a rush and you know she really wants to see it. Reassurance and more reassurance and get support if you feel insecure. As the grown up, don’t let your insecurity impact this (I say that in the kindest way, as it is again natural).

[IStandWithPosie]

Maybe everyone should stop blowing about how magnificently intelligent a one year old is! Of course she’s going to want to hear/talk about her own achievement she if She is bombarded with how wonderful her sibling is.

[rainingcatsanddog]

That's what siblings can be like. My second (out of three) is very competitive and loves stories about her mastering stuff before her siblings (especially the older one) I'm assuming that dsd doesn't have a sibling for her to be so vocal about a sibling who's so much younger. (There's 24 months between child 1 and child 2)

The Xmas thing isn't weird at all.

[rainingcatsanddog]

If you have a second child then I'm sure that the older child will feel  when they hear people compliment the younger child too.

[nellly]

I actually really sympathise with her. My mum re married and I got a baby half sister at 16. I was very jealous and insecure and it was really hard hearing how cute and smart she was.

I'm not proud of it now and I know I was 'too old' to feel that way but it was really tough and I felt very threatened. Be kind and reassure her 

[RebootYourEngine]

It sounds like she is feeling insecure. Give her plenty of hugs and reassurance that she isnt going to be replaced.

[SpottingTheZebras]

I think your stepdaughter needs lots of extra attention and kindness. In the same way people comment on the size of your pregnancy bump, people also say babies are clever when they do things. I really don’t think you can judge when they are so young.

[swingofthings]

It's normal for naturally competitive kids. That doesn't mean that she feels threatened and indeed she clearly adores her little sister since she wants to see her every week and Xmas morning. She said it jokingly why not take it as such? It sounds like it's more you making up an issue of it than her.

Ré. Xmas, could you compromise, she goes and wake her sister up gently at 8am. I'm sure with all the excitement and cuddles with big sister, baby won't mind and then maybe agree on taking her back at 10:30?

[SillySallySingsSongs]

I don't think the Christmas request is strange at all, it sounds like a good compromise to me.

Me too.

Also - in the nicest possible way - everyone likes to hear and say babies are clever but you can’t really judge the intelligence of a one year old!

This too.

Do you ever praise DSD in fromt of family or just DD?

[NarcolepticOuchMouse]

Is there a way to get sd involved in a way that makes her proud of dd? Perhaps suggest that sd come along to a baby group to "help" dd or get a toy that sd can "help" dd with. Get them on the same team essentially. Also some quality time with sd would probably help her confidence. If it's possible to have your parents (who ever childcares) have dd for an afternoon so you and your dp can focus on sd? Sd obviously really cares what you think of her, and so it sounds like she needs a bit of reassurance from you that you think she's amazing too, and that dd's achievements don't affect your opinion of sd.

[SunflowerSally]

Really. This is a child ( and at 15 she is still very much a child) who is feeling insecure and a little jealous of all the attention her very cute clever adorable little sibling gets. Does it really matter that she is piping up? Be kind to her and she'll get over it. Make a big deal about it and she'll remember it forever.

[Shelby2010]

When DD1 was younger, we used to attribute baby DD2’s achievements to DD1 being such a good teacher. Your dsd is probably a bit old to fall for it but maybe deflect some of the praise back to her. Eg ‘Look how well the baby has stacked the blocks, isn’t she clever?!’ You: ‘ Yes, DSD has spent a lot of time building them with her - she’s really helping her develop. ‘ or even just ‘DD takes after her big sister’.

[BoomTish]

My 1 year old daughter is quite intelligent for her age



Any examples?

[Cherries101]

It would go away easily if you praised your dsd in front of family too. She probably feels left out. Kids don’t magically become well adjusted teens; it takes a lot of hard work on all the parental figures parts to ensure they get that way. Like it or not you are her parental figure and by overlooking her achievements or not recognising them as publically as your own daughter’s you are hurting her. What will you and your DP do to change things?

[TheWiseWomansFear]

10am isn't early, especially on Xmas day, it sounds a lovely compromise. Surely DH can drop her off while you look after baby?

She's obviously jealous of baby, who has both its parents together and in the same house and doesn't have to balance xmas's/birthdays between two families. Plus, imagine having to live in two homes...it's really hard and causes a lot of negative, fearful and insecure emotions...

Cut her some slack, if this is the worst thing she does as a teen I think you're bloody lucky.

[KatharinaRosalie]

What Shelby above said. Don't make it a competition, but instead: 'Wow, yes, you certainly started walking early! Hope the baby takes after her big sister'.

[LKRJM]

As a step child I had this and it is a bit of jealousy and everyone reacts differently to jealousy. I’m sure you involve her but it’s still difficult to not feel as though you’re not completely part of the family. Spend some time as a family doing something she likes or her with her DF for a few hours of the day.

As for Christmas Day I wouldn’t exactly say it’s strange and sounds like you’re a bit annoyed towards her about it. She wants to spend time with her family Christmas eve and Christmas morning - I’m 28 now and still leave my DP at home to see my step sisters (who still live at home and are younger) Christmas morning and come back home after as we are all very close because my mother made sure we were (step dad wasn’t arsed) make the effort now or she won’t like you when you’re older if you treat her differently now.

[Penisbeakerismyfavethread]

It sounds like she needs reassurance and like you are put out by it

[BuckBuckMcFate]

There is a 14 year age gap between my oldest and youngest.

Youngest is 8 now and still is jealous that the oldest was the first in my belly, for a long time he wouldn't accept that I was mum to oldest as well as him

Feelings don't always make sense!

SD just sounds like she needs some reassurance that everyone still thinks she's as wonderful as before her baby sister came along

I agree with PP who said to lay it on thick about how baby takes after big sister

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

None of it sounds abnormal or weird. I’d just go with it. Make sure her Dad still gives her one to one attention, it’s s tricky age.