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Can a reaction change how you feel ?

(95 Posts)
Spanglyprincess1 Mon 22-Oct-18 08:52:51

Don't want to drop feed so this will be very very long (sorry).
Dp has three kids (7,8,12) and we have a baby together who is 4 MTHS.
I have know dp since we were young, we dated when we were both 17 and reunited 2 years ago (4 years post divorce for him n 2 years post divorce for me).
I was living overseas at time and we regularly saw each other. Dp lives in a different area of UK than I would have worked in - part of initial chat was he would have to move eventually to where I worked as I earned more and he is self employed so can work anywhere. He agreed.
He wanted a family eg marriage and another child. He put some pressure on and I wasn't sreally ever bothered about kids but not against idea. I got pregnant and came home, cut short my contract but work supported me. I was allowed to work from home during pregnancy which was good.
My work initially agreed I could continue to do this after mat leave -amazing - dp was happy as near kids and I was near family support. Found a perfect house, which I am solely funding due to dp bad financial situation, needed to be large but was just about doable. Dp stropped a bit after offer wanting more space for himself within house (there is a post on here about it) but this wasn't financial possible unless he could contribute financially which he couldn't. We were about to exchange. The house isn't in an wares I like really as far ish from my mom but very near his kids school.
Bombshell landed by email Friday, my team is going. I fortunately still have a job (v.lucky) but I am unlikely to be able to work from home anymore and would need to move closer (90 miles away). I'm upset but at least we havnt exchanged, although I will loose legal fees etc.
Dp reaction was appalling - just 'I don't think I am able to move' and how doing so would burn his life, hurt his kids (ignored out joint child completely in his fuss) etc etc. I get it's a shock, I get it's crap but there is literally nothing I can do. We have to be able to clothes n feed all kids, plus house them which means we must have my income. He didn't even ask if I was ok or upset. It was me me me. He even demanded I tell his kids we wouldn't be moving next month as they would be upset - err no ! I tried telling him we could work it out and make good childcare /access arrangments.
Is it wrong that this has completely coloured how I feel about him? I get it's rubbish but at least we can still afford to live and support all the kids kids plus it's what he originally agreed to and was always a possibility. It's less than ideal for me as I'd have zero family support and my family have been very supportive with baby. I need my income to support baby as he can't alone, I can't move jobs in the timeframe and I wouldn't earn as much.

OP’s posts: |
8FencingWire Mon 22-Oct-18 08:56:03

You’re not wrong.
Move where work is, he is coming or staying, his decision.
But I’d encourage him to stay, he sounds like a pain in the arse tbh.

Spanglyprincess1 Mon 22-Oct-18 09:03:28

I'm devastated for my baby but it's shocked me into seeing g that only I see us as a team. I've done everything possible to stay in his home area and near my family but ultimately I have to put on my big girl pants and support my family financially as they need to eat.

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SandyY2K Mon 22-Oct-18 09:17:13

Him pressuring you to have another child is a bit worrying. I presume you didn't have kids from your first marriage.

Spanglyprincess1 Mon 22-Oct-18 09:18:22

Nope no kids for me.

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fuzzywuzzy Mon 22-Oct-18 09:28:26

I’m curious is your DP financially contributing towards your relationship at all?

He sounds like a cocklodger to me, he saw you coming and a good opportunity to tie you to him by having another child. Whilst he doesn’t sound like he can support his older children.

And why do you have to tell his dc you aren’t moving? Surely that should be him telling them he isn’t earning enough money to house his own children when with him?

TooSassy Mon 22-Oct-18 09:37:31

Yes, IMO, a reaction like this can absolutely change how you feel. It's possible that you are actually seeing his real colours now. Or it's equally possible that the pressure/ shock has made him behave in a manner that even he (once he has calmed down) will be very embarrassed about.

Give him time and space and see what he does next - if he quite literally thinks 'what have I done?' and is abjectly apologetic, then, we can all make mistakes.

You have no choice but to move back (I would rent shortterm) as, in your situation you would be nuts to give up a well paid job with an employer who sound amazing.

I would also (if you haven't already), get some legal advice on your financial set up. Were you putting any legal protection in place as you purchased your property? What were you doing to protect your money for yourself and your DC in the event that you/ your DP split up in the future?

I'm so sorry, but I am a deep cynic and he sounds like he was about to get it all. A house purchased to accommodate all his family (hugely commendable but he is making zero financial contribution), a partner who earns enough to run his life. Wants marriage - ok, well that then makes you the main breadwinner. Him the primary carer and a baby. How do those situations normally work out if things go south?

OP, I actually think you've had a bit of a lucky escape here.

Spanglyprincess1 Mon 22-Oct-18 09:38:37

He housed them but two bed house, they are too old now for this as mixed genders. he does contribute to bills etc but could afford to rent/buy a big enough house for the children or even half the rent as round here they are reasonably expensive. Self employed so income widely fluctuates.
Im much more financially stable.
The finances are what they are but his reaction isn't okay,it's bad news for us as a family and not all about him and his needs.

OP’s posts: |
Spanglyprincess1 Mon 22-Oct-18 09:40:20

I have a ringfenced financial agreement so me n baby are protected , assets solely in my name and he's signed to state no claim over them.

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CarolDanvers Mon 22-Oct-18 09:40:54

You are little more than a meal ticket to him. Take your baby and move to where your job is. He doesn’t care about YOU, only what resources you bring. Now you know and can act accordingly.

Aprilislonggone Mon 22-Oct-18 09:43:47

Was it him who wanted a room in the new house for himself??

Spanglyprincess1 Mon 22-Oct-18 09:45:28

Yep

OP’s posts: |
TooSassy Mon 22-Oct-18 09:45:32

but his reaction isn't okay, it's bad news for us as a family and not all about him and his needs.

OP, you sound as if you have your head screwed on. You're absolute spot on in all your thoughts. Please don't second guess them.

I can promise you, whatever happens, you and your baby are going to be fine. But you have to move for your job, do not give up a great source of income for him. We all have to make compromises and that is one that is too big to make. Even if for now, you move for 6-12 months and rent and hatch a back up plan to ultimately move back to be closer to family, that is the smart thing to do. You will be fine.

Your DP will either wake up and be profoundly apologetic, or he will continue on the 'woe is me' path in which case - you have seen the real him and it's for you to decide whether you want to continue a relationship with him. Either way, we're here to support you x

Spanglyprincess1 Mon 22-Oct-18 09:52:30

My boss is being great tbh and supportive as she has kids herself, so I am extremely lucky in that respect . It could be a lot worse!

OP’s posts: |
UnRavellingFast Mon 22-Oct-18 09:52:44

I think this job bombshell was in fact the best thing that could have happened as it will potentially- from what you’ve revealed- save you years of depression and sadness leading to slow realisation. you’ve had a lucky wake up call. He’s shown you who he is. It would be wise to take note.

TooSassy Mon 22-Oct-18 09:55:06

When you have a young child OP, a supportive boss is the difference between managing to balance family/ work successfully vs. feeling like you are drowning. To this day, the only reason I have a great career is because i had the BEST boss who supported me through having a young family.

Make this work, start the cogs turning and find yourself a place to rent. <<Hugs>>

Spanglyprincess1 Mon 22-Oct-18 09:59:27

Thanks everyone, I half expected to be crucified here. I know I'm right, I can do this. Ds needs me to get this right, so it will be okay.

OP’s posts: |
Spanglyprincess1 Mon 22-Oct-18 09:59:54

Thank you xxx

OP’s posts: |
UnRavellingFast Mon 22-Oct-18 10:00:55

Good luck!

TooSassy Mon 22-Oct-18 10:29:21

No, OP, a few of us here are determined to turn the tide on crucifying OP's/ SM's/ any parent who finds themselves in any situation that they are struggling with. More empathy and support, less judgement. Stay on here, keep posting. You will get loads of support and gain lots of clarity from the vast majority here x

LatentPhase Mon 22-Oct-18 12:52:11

Wow, OP, am so impressed in the face of exchanging contracts and 4 children to house, you kept your head screwed on. I salute you! I remember you posting about him wanting a room in your house. He sounds like a catch! This job situation has saved you years of heartache, I agree. This has culminating in showing his true colours. Hang on to your boss and your baby and best of luck to you. flowers

Spanglyprincess1 Mon 22-Oct-18 14:34:24

Baby is poorly hence absence, my mom wants me local as if her only grandchild. Hopefully all will be well. If not then I can do this and get by, at least I have a wider plan! Thank you to everyone for the kindness x

OP’s posts: |
swingofthings Mon 22-Oct-18 16:14:03

Oh dear I guess I'm going to be the odd one out once again but I agree with him. You made a commitment to a man who has children already and as such will be limited to where he can move for some time. That's how it is.

What you should be doing is look for another job locally. As for him, we'll if he can't earn a better income being self employed, then he needs to give it up and get a 9 to 5 job to support or at least provide a fair contribution to hiswardz his kids.

Before I get slated, I made huge sacrifices to stay when I am just so that my kids could continue to have a regular relationship with their father when I could have had a much better life for myself at the time by moving. However I was a kid of divorced parents whose mother moved miles away and I really suffered from not being able to see my dad as often as I used too, so I totally get where your OH is coming from.

Spanglyprincess1 Mon 22-Oct-18 16:50:43

Then he shouldn't have got into a relationship with me, had a child with me and agreed to move in the first place. I wouldn't have had a child with him had that been the case. You can't move the goal posts half way through, I get his commitment I really do but sometimes life is hard. Yes he could change jobs but he won't, already indicated as such, if he was willing to be main breadwinner then yes we could look into that but as thing stands there are seriously zero options that I can see which work.

OP’s posts: |
HollowTalk Mon 22-Oct-18 16:55:52

I think you've had a narrow escape.

So now, will you be moving nearer to your mum and further away from his children?

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