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Insane ex partner of adults SSs

(13 Posts)
Pretendingtobe Sun 21-Oct-18 16:04:29

I know this will be a triggering title, but try to read the thread first. Please.

How would you react if your adult SS recently revealed that they were sexually abused by a very close relative of their Mother?
The Mother ensured that her sons kept it quiet. For fear of repercussions.
The incidents occurred when the DSSs were very young boys. It now transpires that both DSS were abused by the relative.
We have had many talks with both DSS, and it is certain that it is the truth. The relative was late teens at the time, and apparently had Aspergers.
Regardless of the details, I have 2 adult SSs who both have different mental health issues. Severe mental health issues.
Their Mother is no longer involved in their day-to-day lives. Her absolute prerogative is to protect relative, who 'was not well, or understanding of their actions'.

We only recently became aware of it, because the boys were threatened about what would happen if they revealed the truth.
DP finally told her that he knew the truth last week. He has asked her to contribute 50% to medication prescribed by the GP to help with PTSD.
Her response was that 'it happens in many families, and drugs do more harm than good'.
Since then she has contacted her sons to tell them how 'very vulnerable' the abuser is, and that they must forgive him.

She's an ex drug addict who has turned to mindfulness, yoga, organic everything', because apparently it can heal all ills. 

The boys are both broken , in different ways.
We have received a barrage of messages, since she discovered that we knew the truth. They are completely incriminating, because she is trying to justify her position.
She is also subjecting her DSs to a barrage of similar texts to keep them quiet. Other family members who were aware of the history are following the same path. The abuser must be protected at all costs.

How can a mother justify this. Why has she never helped them? How do we help them?

OP’s posts: |
Caprisunorange Sun 21-Oct-18 16:06:39

I don’t think they’re is any point worrying about her. Have you informed the police about the sex abuse? You might well see justice that way

Unicornandbows Sun 21-Oct-18 16:10:36

I'd contact the police ASAP!!

Unicornandbows Sun 21-Oct-18 16:11:10

Ignore the mother and rest of the family focus on getting the boys to report this abuse

Pretendingtobe Sun 21-Oct-18 16:13:34

We have discussed this.
There will obviously be no forensic evidence, but the texts clearly show that it did happen, but we are apparently a 'toxic family' because we don't provide the correct nourishing food and environment (bollocks), and her relative was unwell, and not responsible for their actions.
Is this enough to get the police to seriously consider prosecuting?
I don't want to put the boys through more than they have already, if it won't resolve anything.

OP’s posts: |
MsJolly Sun 21-Oct-18 16:14:58

Now is the time for you and their father to step up-you weren't aware then-you are now. You need to show them that you are there for them every step of the way and that involves reporting their abuser-MH difficulties or not-what happens if this relative has access to other children?

I would 100% be encouraging you SS'a to report this to the police-this will be challenging for them but also I think cathartic and will help their MH enormously

Pretendingtobe Sun 21-Oct-18 16:15:36

If it helps, the abuser was mid teens at the time. DSs were very young boys (4-6).

OP’s posts: |
cricketmum84 Sun 21-Oct-18 16:17:05

I would contact the police. You need to put on a united front for those boys and show them and the rest of the family that abuse will not be tolerated - regardless of who the abuser is and what issues they may have.

Ask yourself honestly - would you be able to forgive yourself if you found out their abuser had targeted another young boy??

Hugs to you and the boys, keep supporting them and showing them love wherever you can. But I think you already know the correct course of action here 

Aprilislonggone Sun 21-Oct-18 16:19:07

Regardless of the age of ds's they need to know they are believed by you and the authorities - if they are to gain any sense of closure this needs dealing with. Regardless of their fuckwit dm amd her family.
TELL the ds's it's being reported today, take the responsibility for the snowball affect that will be worrying them out of their hands by asking -

Rogueone Sun 21-Oct-18 16:21:50

I feel for those poor boys. They have now been able to tell people and its still being kept quiet and they are being made out to be the problem. Speak to the police and ask what to do...this is a legal issue and I would be concerned that this relative is abusing others

Caprisunorange Sun 21-Oct-18 16:24:46

“but we are apparently a 'toxic family' because we don't provide the correct nourishing food and environment (bollocks), and her relative was unwell,”

You’re focusing on the mother constantly. Who cares if she thinks you didn’t nourish them properly? The police won’t be interested in their crap.

I must admit the age of the relative will likely be an issue BUT I still think the boys need to see you doing something about this

0ccamsRazor Sun 21-Oct-18 16:27:38

Speak to the police Op, the person could still be active.

A stand against paedophiles must be made.

How can these young adults start to heal if the perp is still around and justice is not done?

Pretendingtobe Sun 21-Oct-18 16:38:56

I totally agree with you all.
The mother is only relevant because of the way that attempts to twist our family environment to be the cause of their troubles.
We both support, love and encourage them both. This admission has been like a thunderbolt, it clearly demonstrates the reasons that they both have difficulties.
I have younger DCs, and would do anything to protect them in such circumstances. I guess I'm still in shock over the whole despicable situation.

OP’s posts: |

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