I dont understand my dad/SM

[Marliyaloo]

I am 19. I am my dads only child. I had very limited contact with him from the age of 1 till I was 15. I dont really know why, its something my mother doesnt like talking about. He married my SM when I was 3, she has a son now 25(ish) and a daughter who is 22 so similar in age to me. My dad has raised them, they are very much his children.

I spent a lot of time from the age of 15 with my dad and step family, Im not close to my SB (stepbrother not sure on acronym lol) but I am fairly close to my SS. She can be a bit funny/off wirh me too but I think its jealousy that theres now another daughter in the family which I can understand. However I always feel like the odd one out..

Id go for dinner on a Sunday 4pm-10pm and they was 'strict' with times, like I get the feeling I couldnt just turn up for a visit, or go round if I needed help. They wont even tell me what they do for work, their just vague about being a builder (dad) and a carer (SM). I feel like Im kept at a certain distance?

Anyway now I have a baby myself. They visit every few weeks (say they are too busy most of the time) and my dads very quiet he doesnt really speak to me and SM can be patronising. For example, making comments about how I should go to college to do more with my day, how shes going to work because "someone has to". It comes across as really nasty and awkward sometimes. A few weeks ago they was meant to come for dinner but SM cancelled I asked if everything was ok she said she just fancied a chill day and couldn't be bothered going out. They live 10 minutes away.

SS boyfriend is always at their house for dinner, they speak about him fondly, invite him out for meals etc etc yet my boyfriend they have invited out twice in 2 years. they are ignorant to him and hes picked up on it.

I really dont understand why they bother with me if they seemingly dont like me? Sometimes it feels like SM controls my dad and is jealous of me having a relationship with him. It makes me feel so unwanted

[WhiteCat1704]

How close are you with your mother?
Maybe they don't tell you things because they don't trust you?

Every few weeks visits sounds kind of nice..how often do you want to see them?
You are an adult with a baby and you weren't brought up by them so the bond and dynamic they have with your step siblings is different...
I wonder what do you want them to do? How do you want them to act?

[HeckyPeck]

I’m sorry that you’re being so unequally treated by your Dad and Step Mum. It sounds very upsetting.

Have you ever spoken to either of them about it? Whatever the reason you didn’t get to see them when you were a child it wouldn’t have been your fault so it’s very unfair of them not to try and get to know you now.

Do you have a good relationship with your mum or other family? It might be that you have to lower your expectations if your Dad and SM won’t change

[SandyY2K]

It doesn't sound like your dad made much effort with you after him and your mum split up.

There could be a few reasons for that.

1. Your mum made it difficult for him
2. He couldn't be bothered
3. Guilt

It doesnt sound like you get any time alone with your dad.

Your mum doesnt like to talk about it?

Perhaps he had an affair with your SM. Or maybe your mum had an affair.

That they married 2 years later doesn't mean it can't be possible.

Do you work? Why is your SM suggesting college?

Sadly your SM doesn't really see you as part of the family. She didn't have anything to do with you for 15 years...so she's known you for just 4 years....much like your dad.

In your shoes I'd be asking some questions to help you understand why your dad had nothing to do with you for 14 years.

Only then will things make sense.

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

It sounds like you are the outsider. Your Dad doesn’t seem to make any effort and didn’t for so many years. I’d concentrate on your Dad and see what way you can build a bond with him? Although, at some point, if you are making all the effort, it just might be too much effort on your part. Unfortunately, you can’t make your Dad do it. It’s rubbish of him to have made no effort for so many years.

You say you get on with your SS? Carry on with that. Just ignore SMs remarks and be careful not to blame her for your Dads actions. He’s a grown up. If she visits every few weeks then try and not build barriers towards her if you can. She comes to visit, build in the good. If in time she and you don’t get on, it doesn’t have to stop a relationship with your Dad. If he wants it.

[Marliyaloo]

I think thats where the problem is. Where my dad goes, Sm is. Its hard to see him alone and I feel awkward bringing the past up. Ive been thinking of texting him to say how I feel but ive left it for so many years

[idontknowwhattoput1]

@Marliyaloo text him what have you got to lose ? Not much from your original post x

[TooSassy]

Oh OP, my heart goes out to you.

My gut instinct reading this was very simple. Something happened when you were young which has lead to the NC for 14 odd years (sandys options where my first thoughts too). The challenge you have is whether any of the adults are prepared to tell you what happened. Because you are, irrespective of age, in this situation still a child.

What has your mother told you? Have you asked her?

[auntyflonono]

I think you should start with your mum, if you can, ask her what really happened. With a child yourself there may be things you need to know.

[Livelovebehappy]

I don’t think you are going to be able to change your SMs behaviour. She clearly doesn’t care much whether you are in her life or not but that doesn’t mean you can’t form a closer bond with your DF. Don’t let her stand in the way of you having a relationship with your DF. Instead of going to theirs for Sunday lunch, why don’t you ask your DF to go out with you for a pub lunch during the week? Maybe make it a regular thing? I think your focus just needs to be on your DF and building a relationship with him.