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Adult stepdaughter coming on holiday with us

(150 Posts)
Nettletheelf Mon 15-Oct-18 07:40:46

I have two DSC: a DSS aged 23 and a DSD aged 25. I’ve been married to their dad for 11 years. We don’t have our own children, sadly. DH had been divorced for 5 years when we met.

It wasn’t easy, taking on a teenager and an almost teenager, but I worked at it and we have a good relationship now. DH never really supported me when they behaved badly, and that has been the single biggest cause of arguments in our marriage: he thinks that I should love his children as much as he does and should put my own needs, and the needs of my family, second. Having said that, we are happily married.

Every year, DH and I go skiing with a group of old friends. Ages range from mid forties to sixties.

DSD and DSS can ski: DH and I took them skiing the first year we were married as a treat, and that was when they learned. Since then DSD found a boyfriend at university who was keen on skiing and joined the university ski club etc. She couldn’t afford to go skiing every year but she did it anyway. That, combined with a long degree, means that she’s got some pretty hefty student loans.

Anyway DSD is now in her first job and told DH unprompted that she didn’t have anybody to ski with this year and really wanted to go. I suspect that she was angling to be asked on our trip, and DH did so.

DH asked me, very tentatively, how I’d feel about DSD joining the trip. I said that I’d prefer it if she didn’t. It’s an established group of people our age (I’m 46) with whom DH and I can let our hair down. Having DSD there will change the dynamic: we won’t be able to talk about the same things because she doesn’t have the same cultural reference points, and DH will act differently. I know that he’ll steer the conversation onto ‘my daughter and topics my daughter is interested in’ and I’ll be relegated to the back seat, as I often am when DSD and DSS are present (I am considered witty and lively so I’m not somebody who just sits there waiting to be ‘drawn out’).

The other thing is, DSD, being young, has a tendency to talk about herself all the time and to virtue signal. I usually let it go, we were all young and un-self aware once, but a week of it in a ski chalet whilst DH gazes at her in adoration and forgets that I’m there? No thanks.

DSD knows some of the other members of the group slightly, but only slightly.

Despite my telling DH that I’d prefer if DSD didn’t come, he invited her anyway and she’s definitely coming. I am annoyed. Should I be?

(Sorry if long, didn’t want to drip feed)

OP’s posts: |
FishesThatFly Mon 15-Oct-18 07:46:58

Yes l would be very pissed off. There's a time and place for everything, and her going away with you is not it.

Wonder what your friend's will think too. I'd imagine this trip isn't cheap and it could change the dynamic amongst you all forever - especially if she is a pita. It might mean you don't get included in the future.

Aprilislonggone Mon 15-Oct-18 07:50:25

Personally I would be rebooking my own holiday elsewhere.
And gold medal for you op for putting up with your dh.
He has no respect for you or your marriage imo.

swingofthings Mon 15-Oct-18 07:51:42

Seems really silly. Best solution surely would have been him to also go with her on his own. More costly but its nice to also spend quality time with grown up children.

Shiklah Mon 15-Oct-18 07:52:53

How do all your other friends feel about it?

Quartz2208 Mon 15-Oct-18 07:59:03

I think this is an issue between you and your DH that has never gone away and how he treats her

Because to be honest at 25 and 46 if both are adult about it it shouldnt make a difference about age they should be able to be friends and be fine. Would not bother me if I were his friends because she is simply younger

Nettletheelf Mon 15-Oct-18 08:01:09

Friends have been welcoming to the idea (it’s a group of 12 and new adult members, friends of existing members who ski, occasionally join. However previous joiners have been of a similar age and background to everyone else. They were open to this out of affection for DH and (mostly) me, but of course didn’t know that I was opposed to DSD joining.

DH has gone away skiing with just DSD and DSS before but has decided that (1) he only wants one skiing holiday per year now and (2) if his children want to join, he wants them there.

OP’s posts: |
NorthernSpirit Mon 15-Oct-18 08:03:13

Yes, you have every right to be annoyed. This is your holiday with your friends.

His daughter needs to find her own friends to go away with.

Nettletheelf Mon 15-Oct-18 08:03:27

I can’t see why DSD wants to go away with a group of older people TBH. It wouldn’t have been my choice when I was 25, and she’s a younger 25 than I was.

OP’s posts: |
Quartz2208 Mon 15-Oct-18 08:19:27

I think age is not such a big deal nowadays so it would not bother me if I were a friend. She is no different to anyone else - it certainly would not stop me being myself as she is 25 so for your friends its no big deal

I get why it bothers you and its not to do with her and everything to do with your DH that is the issue you need to address

buscaution Mon 15-Oct-18 08:21:06

I'm in the opposite camp I'm afraid. I'm a welcoming person by nature and remould be thrilled if my DSD wanted to come along for a ski trip. I mean romantic weekend away? That would be intrusive, but a group ski trip? I think that's fine.

You do seem to show some sort of dislike for her, your comment about hefty student loans is a bit odd. She wouldn't have been entitled to any more or less than any other student but you seem to be trying to paint her in a bad light for it. I don't understand about not having the same 'cultural reference points', what is that all about? The more diverse a group is, the more you have to talk about surely?

She is an adult, and wants to join a group of adults. Nothing wrong with that IMO. However it obviously makes you very uncomfortable for some reason (maybe because you don't seem to like her) so I would say no. It will benefit you both.

Stepparentchallenges Mon 15-Oct-18 08:32:41

Unfair for you that he hasn't thought of your feelings. Have you expressed like a previous poster that it could mean you get excluded in the future? I personally wouldn't be happy and would even consider cancelling my place and go somewhere on your own as a nice little re treat. I imagine she is hoping if she goes with daddy that daddy will pay for all her food and drinks whilst there and she won't have to pay a penny. Which will put more strain on you both when there. She may end up meeting people out there her age that she is happy to go of with maybe? But also it could be that if she does stay in with you guys and she may understand how awakward it it and feel excluded within conversations and not invite herself again. Xx

stellabird Mon 15-Oct-18 08:33:24

I'm with buscaution - what's wrong with an extra person joining 12 others on a ski trip ? You say that others sometimes come along - it seems to me that you just don't like her and you don't want her to spoil your fun. I doubt that others will be as upset as you are about her presence.

In your position I'd just let it pan out and see how things go. You never know, it might work out fine.

Nettletheelf Mon 15-Oct-18 08:33:58

The relevance of the student loans is, she cannot afford an expensive skiing holiday.

Re the posts about ‘25 is adult and it’s like having an adult friend present’: it would be a bit odd if a 25 year old joined a group of over 45s, with whom she had little in common, as a friend and then was fawned over by a 51 year old married man! That is why it is different.

OP’s posts: |
Snappedandfarted2018 Mon 15-Oct-18 08:40:48

I get it op it changes the dynamic.

toolazytothinkofausername Mon 15-Oct-18 08:43:02

If it is a week away, could she come for the weekend?

FishesThatFly Mon 15-Oct-18 08:45:28

Unfortunately it's too late to change the situation so you now need to sort out the boundaries.

Where she will stay, how thing's are paid for, who does what "jobs" whilst away etc

Longlostpals Mon 15-Oct-18 08:45:48

I'm a step mum and a mum. As long as DD wants to spend holidays with us then she is more than welcome. One day she'll have a family of her own and it'll be us waiting for the invitation to join them. The same also goes for DSD. Can't imagine it any other way. My child and step child are the people I most want to spend time with (DH too).

Having said that you don't appear to feel the same. Maybe coming into their lives so late on hasn't allowed you to develop a loving relationship with them? Just be aware that your DH probably feels the same as I do about my DD and DSD.

NorthernSpirit Mon 15-Oct-18 08:46:40

Totally get it OP. I go skiing every year with a bunch of friends - who are 45 upwards.

One year, someone bought their child (who was 23). Totally changed the dynamic of the trip.

stellabird Mon 15-Oct-18 08:46:57

it would be a bit odd if a 25 year old joined a group of over 45s, with whom she had little in common, as a friend and then was fawned over by a 51 year old married man!

I take it that the 51 year old married man you refer to , is her father. If that is how you see the two of them , you really do have problems . And they don't have much to do with a one week holiday.

Alwayscheerful Mon 15-Oct-18 08:47:29

It seems likely that DSD knows Daddy will pay for her trip and all her expenses, there may be a few raised eyebrows or maybe the rest of the group will enjoy her company.
I personally would make other arrangements, say you are going decline on this occasion, it's your annual holiday with your friends as a couple, explain you would be happy to join your stepchildren on a family break but this particular trip is your regular couples holiday.
Book yourself another stress free break, avoid the drama.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess Mon 15-Oct-18 08:49:59

I would be annoyed at anyone being invited on a group holiday if I had said I'd prefer not.
That said, our annual skiing holidays are always about large groups and adults and offspring (of all ages) and partners and so forth, so that needn't be an issue.
But, I think the reasons you offer for this not being a good idea, are mainly excuses and actually show a dislike and irritation with your dsd.
And did someone on here really suggest you pull out of the trip and go elsewhere on your own???!!

Skittlesandbeer Mon 15-Oct-18 08:58:46

Hopefully she’ll see you both as her ticket to the ski-fields, but not intend to actually hang out with you all? Surely that’s her plan?

You seem convinced she’ll be cuddled up to Daddy the whole time, cramping your style. Not that I blame you for being cross, and maybe catastrophising the thing a bit. I’d be livid. But I can’t see how you can disinvite her now without causing an almighty ruckus.

I agree that your problem is bigger than what’s happened with this trip. Feel free to bring a friend on your next romantic short-break, to emphasise your point.

MysweetAudrina Mon 15-Oct-18 08:59:20

It wouldn't bother me at all I would be delighted if my 25 year old sd came away with us. In fact she has asked us to go to Portugal for a week next summer with her and her boyfriend. She has friends who have a place there. She does loads of things with her own friends but she likes to make time for family too. She is not all about herself though and would mix well with any group. I think it's more about the relationship between your sd and her father that is causing you the problem as dh wouldn't fawn over sd in fact it is usually me and her giving out to him.

SwanneeKazoo Mon 15-Oct-18 09:02:33

It might not be as bad as you think. With others there, not just you and her father, her behaviour will be different and they probably won't let the talk be about dsd and her interests the whole time. They might even bring out a different side to her. You'll still be able to let your hair down and you won't be relegated to the back seat as there will be plenty of others you can talk to if you feel it's getting too intense between your dh and his daughter.

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