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please help ... first time step mom

(10 Posts)
seqmom Mon 08-Oct-18 12:21:42

Hi everyone,

I've just joined this site and I'm hoping to get some advice on step parenting.

myself and my boyfriend have been together for a year now. We've had our difficult times like any normal couple but after breaking up we're in the best space ever. I am also 15 weeks pregnant with my first child - im so excited

my boyfriend has a son aged 13 from his previous relationship. he was never married to this woman and from what he told me (and what I hear from his family) it was a very toxic relationship. he does not see his son often and there is actually no set visiting time. I have been assessing the situation and it seems as if the kid only wants to see his dad when he wants something. the same goes for contacting his father - it only happens when he wants money or clothes other than that he will not even read his father's messages.

I understand that having your parents spilt can be difficult, I also understand that an adults influence - if bad - can be detrimental for a child. but I also feel that this should not be an accuse. my bopyfriend is a great dad and his family is too. the kid has spent ample time with them however it seems as though he is a replica of his mother.

I try my best to make him feel comfortable - fix him a plate (even run the shower for him but my home turns into a war zone every time he visits. why am I running a bath for a 13 year old? because around his father he is the biggest baby - baby voice, constant need for attention, behind his father's back he acts like an 18 year old, rude ill-mannered and lies.

when he is not around we are able to work through any problem we may have in a decent manner, so if either one of us is upset we take some time to cool off and then we talk. however when the kid visits my boyfriend shouts, uses foul language and refuses to listen to a word I have to say. he has also told me that he knows his son is very spoilt and manipulative however he seems to forget everything when the kid comes over.

he found out that we're having a baby and he has tried to run into me with his fists out towards my belly twice already. I don't know what to do anymore. this is the happiest I have ever been in my life but when he visits I feel like telling my boyfriend I am leaving him. when I tell my boyfriend that he has been rude he will correct him and ask him to apologise, he then lies and says it never happened that way. I end up looking like the evil step mom. I have my own baby on the way and I don't need this unnecessary stress. I am also scared that if he is trying to hurt me know what wont he do to the baby?

please help

OP’s posts: |
lunar1 Mon 08-Oct-18 12:39:56

Take a step back and look at what you really, genuinely know for sure.

You have been around for a year, during which time you have already broken up and got back together.

There were a whole 12 years of that boys life that everything you know is hearsay, from people who are biased.

The facts that you actually know, are that your boyfriend doesn't see his son often and when he does he yells and swears. He doesn't sound like a good dad at all.

What is he doing about how troubled his child seems to be? How is he stepping up and taking responsibility?

You have seen a tiny snapshot of your boyfriend and his child's life. I would tread very carefully, maintain as much of your independence as possible and try an look at the full situation from the outside. You are in a vulnerable position now and can't afford to blindly believe the stories you have been told.

It's easy to have a prefect relationship when pressures are taken away. The true test of a person and relationship is how they deal with the rough times.

swingofthings Mon 08-Oct-18 12:48:49

He sounds like a great dad indeed... What can we tell you? You opted to get pregnant from a man you'd only been with less than 9 months who clearly had issues being a father to his only child and decided that it must be all due to the mother. Now he is showing violence towards you and your unborn child but yet you are still defending him.

All I can say is God luck because from what you've written it doesn't look good so I hope things will somehow change for the best.

indisdress Mon 08-Oct-18 17:58:11

myself and my boyfriend have been together for a year now. We've had our difficult times like any normal couple but after breaking up we're in the best space ever. I am also 15 weeks pregnant with my first child - im so excited

Sorry, difficult times, breaking up and being 15 weeks pregnant at only a year in is no "normal couple" and your dp is not a good dad. There's reasons "the kid" behaves as he does and that's not all down to him or his mother.

Your DP's played a blinder here.

Snappedandfarted2018 Mon 08-Oct-18 20:02:20

The way you talk about “the kid” is awful, you are new on the scene and unaware of the backstory here sounds like he’s neglected to form a relationship with him. You’re relationship is unstable you broke up twice and are pregnant and he has a fractured relationship with his child from a previous relationship.

rainingcatsanddog Tue 09-Oct-18 15:58:29

Been together 12 months and 3.5 months pregnant- that's fast!

What steps has your partner taken to establish scheduled contact with his son. It costs £210 to do yourself.

The son probably behaves like a baby and asks for money because his father has conditioned him to be that way. He probably enjoys the novelty of his Dad doing stuff like cooking so it's not surprising that he'll wNt yo milk it. You're very unfair to blame this on his mum. The child has 2 parents and your partner would probably get some contact if he'd been bothered to go to court.

The child is very unreasonable with his physical response to you and I'm shocked that your partner isn't clamping down on that. Lots of kids are unhappy about the arrival of a sibling but his response is totally unacceptable.

You say how great your partner is but his number one priority by far is (rightly) his child and it doesn't sound like he considers you as great as you do him.

RedPanda2 Thu 11-Oct-18 13:51:04

He sounds like a terrible father tbh. Good luck with the baby

sue51 Thu 11-Oct-18 17:17:59

I feel very sorry for this boy whose father neglects him and hasn't bothered to arrange proper contact. I think your partner needs how to learn to be decent parent.

SandyY2K Thu 11-Oct-18 21:23:27

he has tried to run into me with his fists out towards my belly twice already

This is serious.
Keep yourself safe and stay away from him. I'd actually leave while he's there. He barely sees his dad, so leave them to it.

That behaviour isn't normal for a child his age.

my boyfriend has a son aged 13 from his previous relationship. he was never married to this woman and from what he told me (and what I hear from his family) it was a very toxic relationship.

he does not see his son often and there is actually no set visiting time.

Why?

my boyfriend is a great dad and his family is too. the kid has spent ample time with them however it seems as though he is a replica of his mother ...

he seems to forget everything when the kid comes over

^:when the kid visits my boyfriend shouts, uses foul language and refuses to listen to a word I have to say.

Rosesared Sun 14-Oct-18 21:27:31

Good luck with pregnancy, op.
Be the best mum you can be to your precious baby...don't take notes on parenting from your boyfriend. Make sure to set up your RL support network, sounds like you're gonna need it.

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