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Ex wife hell

(55 Posts)
Sparklingraspberry1 Mon 01-Oct-18 11:43:41

Anyone else have experience of horrific ex wives. I don't just meannthebusul run of the mill awkwardness. I mean down right nasty, ridiculous and ludicrous. I regularly find myself thinking "is she serious". I genuinely fear that she is mentally unstable due to the irrationality of her behaviour.

Controlling, manipulating and down right crazy. Constantly using kids as pawns.

She makes every effort to split me and DP up. Constantly texts him TELLING him what to do with the kids, asking about money making him pay for XYZ and will tell the kids if he refuses to (she gets more than enough CSA. We have kids regularly thanks to C/O and have to provide on those days too, obviously. Tells the kids far too much, she tells them everything that goes on. She tells them she hates me, that I'm stupid and that their daddy will never marry me (she's never met me) and tries to get kids to hate their dad (he's the most involved father I have ever met, not even being bias). The kids are 7 and 5, and thankfully, they adore me. She tried to get school involved to disallow me to pick up and drop off. Constantly sends kids in scruffy clothes, ripped or too small (she apparently has money, always on trips out etc.) Or if she picks kids from school will keep the uniform we have provided, meaning we have to buy full new uniform regularly.

At school, she's one of those mum's who is into everything and into everyone business. The one at school who can't help but stick her nose in. She believes she's everyone's friend and everyone likes her. As I'm an intelligent person, I am aware that others see through this. It's like she's constantly looking for validation from others.

My DP has been split from her for two and a half years and she's never moved on.

This is literally just a few things. Stuff has happened that I daren't even disclose! This is just the basics.

Anyone else have a similar experience?

If so, how do you cope?

OP’s posts: |
HerondaleDucks Mon 01-Oct-18 14:03:42

My advice is don't take it personally and ignore.
She means bugger all to you. Let your dp do all the communicating and don't get involved.
Concentrate on fostering a good and healthy relationship with the children. Never ever say anything about their mum in front of them or when they are in the house.
Be cool. Be yourself. And let her be.
That's what I would do with my dp ex. But unfortunately we have to facilitate contact so it means I have to have her round for tea twice a month. I try and stay out of the way as much as possible and am generally mega polite. She can bad mouth me as much as she likes. Her children are still being raised by my dp and myself and she has minimal involvement. I just try and do the best for the kids at all times.

Wellfuckmeinbothears Mon 01-Oct-18 14:30:55

There are thousands of posts just like this out there. You are never going to like each other. That’s sad for the kids. I like and respect my step daughters mum and vice versa and above all we put the kids first. I’m sure if she was to post on here she’d find a load of petty things about you too. If you can’t get along just ignore the things that bother you and attempt to be civil for the kids sake. I’m sure you’ll say “well I am civil but she isn’t” but so what? Even if she can’t that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be. Don’t bad mouth their mum, don’t discuss her and your partners relationship as parents in front of the kids and in all honestly stop giving her so much head space. It’s really bugger all to do with you what her relationship with other parents at the school gates it. Just drop it.

NorthernSpirit Mon 01-Oct-18 17:41:57

Yes, i’m a SM and there’s a bar shit crazy EW.

Met my OH years after he was divorced. Never met the woman.

My advice would be ignore, ignore, ignore. Don’t fuel her fire.

If she’s difficult over contact (my OH’s EW was, used the children as weapons and to control) then get a defined contact order to stop her dictating and control.

IMO these women are so emotionally damaged you need to realise you are not dealing with a normal, rational person. For my own sanity I don’t get involved.

Spanglyprincess1 Mon 01-Oct-18 18:09:01

You can respect someone as a parent but not like them as a person. My partner's ex I will never like or want to be around, we clash personality wise and she's said some harsh things about my new baby with her ex.
But she is a good mother and loves her children. Her and dp need to parent so I stay away, no contact at all between me and her. He sorts everything and I stay away as its toxic. Much much simpler (too me six months of trying to work that out though!)

runningscare Mon 01-Oct-18 18:22:17

Yup ... I am in the club of nightmare of Exwives too.

There was a reasonable written article today in the daily mail regarding a step mother... I wish more was done to highlight some of the crap that step mums go through ... and most of the heartache is caused by the bitterness of the ex wives.

Livedandlearned2 Mon 01-Oct-18 18:48:46

It's mad isn't it. I'm on the receiving end of a bitter ex wife. Yet I'm also an ex wife who is bitter, but I never show it to my exh's girlfriends. In fact if they are involved in my dcs lives I make an effort to be friendly and have been a shoulder to cry on more than once.

It's not good for the children to be awkward and bitter towards the sm.

Sparklingraspberry1 Mon 01-Oct-18 21:03:08

@wellfuckmeinbothears
Wow, an attitude to match your name! Thanks hun xox

OP’s posts: |
Sparklingraspberry1 Mon 01-Oct-18 21:08:12

My post was mainly to highlight the emotional abuse she subjects her children too. For the record, I have never and will never deal with orncommunicate with her directly as I know my boundaries. My segment about school gate behaviour was merely to show the type of person she is.
I believe I am and have been reasonable, keeping my distance letting my partner co-parent with his wife and ensuring the children feel loved, safe and comfortable when they're with us.

OP’s posts: |
Sparklingraspberry1 Mon 01-Oct-18 21:10:41

Also, I have a lot of respect for all you mum's who are separated etc. I understand what it must be like to be bitter, bit I don't understand how anyone can subject their kids to that?

OP’s posts: |
Wheresthel1ght Mon 01-Oct-18 21:28:04

Nightmare exw here too, like yours uses the kids as a weapon, slags me off to anyone and everyone. Has been hideously vile to me and about me all around the kids. She walks into my house uninvited because she seems to think she has a god given right. Dp told her time and time again that she wasn't allowed (never been her house) and when I started locking the door she hit the roof that she couldn't get in whenever she wanted. In the end I lost my temper and told do he either sorted it once and for all or I would. He didn't so the next time she did it I told her by text, (as the kids were here and I didn't want them to over hear a conversation) in no uncertain terms that she was never to set foot in my house without and express invitation ever again, that I didn't care what her reasons were or what pathetic perceived right she thought she had, it was my house not hers and she was not to take a single step into my home again. I copied dp in so he knew what I had sent as she has form for lying... Low and behold she forwarded it to him with a few additions including a threat to knock her out if she ever came near the house. The woman is flaming bat shit! Dp obviously knew it was BS because I had sent him the same text and he could see it was sent to them both. She also used local colloquialisms in her version which dp knows I wouldn't use. I wasn't born and bred here so the language she used is not something I would ever say.

She has done so much it is now a bit of an in joke with me and my best mate... Even her own mother thinks she is crazy, she made a point of cornering me in the village (we moved back to dp's Town from neighbouring one so the kids could come here whenever they felt like it) to apologise for her daughter and to let me know she didn't believe any of the stuff I was supposed to have done to the kids. She said she had talked to the kids about me and they had always said I was nice and they liked me

Wellfuckmeinbothears Mon 01-Oct-18 23:36:00

Ugh, yawn. I’m a mum to a daughter who has a fantastic step mum who I like. And s step mum to two daughters who have a brilliant mum I like. Mainly because above all we are adult enough to put the kids above any petty hang ups like who they talk to at the school gates. There are millions of bitter ex wives and new girlfriends out there. None of them are winning and most importantly the kids are suffering. Grow up, stop obsessing about your partners ex and focus on the kids.

Wellfuckmeinbothears Mon 01-Oct-18 23:36:44

*a step mum to two step daughters.

MsPavlichenko Mon 01-Oct-18 23:49:53

How do you know so much about her? What she says to other parents. What they think of her? When and when she goes out?

All second hand presumably. So unreliable. Let her get on with her life and you get on with yours. Your DP can deal with parenting issues as and when.

Sunflowersforever Mon 01-Oct-18 23:58:28

Been there. The real issue is whether you want to be part of this dynamic long term, as it never goes away. Sorry, but it doesn't. Plus the kids will mostly always love the parents unconditionally no matter what, they won't love you that way no matter how much effort you put in. It isn't fair, but this stuff is hard and complex and the step parent is always the easy scapegoat.

I don't mean to be harsh, and I don't think previous posters meant to be either.

Think about what you want from this and whether walking away now before you have your own children would be best.

SpareASquare Tue 02-Oct-18 00:17:28

You call her your DPs 'wife' and then mention 'separated mums'. Hmmm.

I think you need to back off and stop obsessing about things that probably don't concern you at all. Why would you care what other 'school mums' think or do? How do you even know? You seem a little overly concerned with a women you really know nothing about. You are not the parent here so how about letting the parents parent.

Magda72 Tue 02-Oct-18 01:08:08

@Wellfuckmeinbothears & others to say similar on this thread - in theory you are right & all the adults should be able to behave as such.
However there is a massive difference between dealing with a slightly bitter/cold/other exw & an exw who makes it her mission in life to try to destroy your happiness because her hatred of her exh dominates even her love for her kids.
Before I met my dp I honestly thought such women were exaggerated fictions in books & movies but by god was I wrong.
I am a pretty fair & level headed person & I actually don't like dissing other women but dp's exw is beyond awful & is hell bent on destroying everyone in her path including her children. When dealing with exes like this it is very hard to stand back & just get over it. I've been verbally abused & attacked as have my kids. I've had my social media stalked & have had my finances & those of my exh queried. I've had lies told to the sdcs about me, my family & my children. I've heard dp being yelled at & sworn at in front of the kids & I've seen dp furious as she threw a huge strop the day of his mother's funeral as he told her it wasn't appropriate for her to sit up the front with him - they were divorced years at this point & we'd been together almost 3 years.
She has gotten steadily worse in the 4 years we've been together. We're getting married in 2 months time & she told his kids we won't want them there (totally not true) & has also told his kids that there'll be no money for Christmas as we're going on a honeymoon - again totally not true. We would never go on a holiday unless all other financial obligations had been met. She has stolen money from eldest sdc & when he tackled her she said she had to as dp doesn't give her enough money as he's too busy paying for his other family, ie me & my kids. Again total lies as myself & my exh go 50/50 on all things financial & all I ever 'take' from dp is household money as this is also his home!
There is NO dealing with people like this & they infect everything with their vitriol.
@Sparklingraspberry1 you have my utmost sympathy. I've no real advice but counselling has kept me sane as at least I've a place to vent & dp is taking legal advice on how to tackle her but this would probably have to involve SS which is so totally not ideal.
That being said someone really needs to stand up to her as she's a vindictive bully who's getting away with murder because she uses the kids as weapons.

ShitWit Tue 02-Oct-18 01:15:08

*At school, she's one of those mum's who is into everything and into everyone business. The one at school who can't help but stick her nose in. She believes she's everyone's friend and everyone likes her. As I'm an intelligent person, I am aware that others see through this. It's like she's constantly looking for validation from others.*

See this bit here makes it sound like you’re the one focussing on her and her life rather than her on yours. How do you know what she’s like at school, how do you know what other parents think of her? What does it matter to you who likes her or who doesnt like her? It sounds a bit like you’re a little bit jealous and perhaps looking for validation yourself? Is he still married to her and you feel a bit threatened that afternkver two years they haven’t divorced? It meaning that in a twatty way, a genuine question because you called her his wife and use 5e word separated a lot. One of my friends dhs was married to his child’s mother when they met and started dating, separated by for a year but still married and she struggled with a bit of jealousy in the beginning.

If their father has genuine concerns that his wife is being abusive toward his children, and I’m assuming that’s what the incidents you can’t disclose allude to then what action is he taking?

swingofthings Tue 02-Oct-18 05:41:23

So your main concern is that she is a bad mum to kids you are for.

Look at it the other way. There many many bad mums in this world. At least these kids have their dad and you it could be worse.

In the end nothing can be changed to the fact that he picked her to have children with so all that can be done is the best under the circumstances.

No point in going on about what a terrible mother she is. The more you dwell on it, the more likely you are to a t on your feelings, even indirectly and the worse she is likely to respond.

She is probably very unhappy, unhappiness makes even the most kind people turn into unpleasantness. At least you're happy so you can be the bigger person.

SandyY2K Tue 02-Oct-18 06:59:45

Or if she picks kids from school will keep the uniform we have provided, meaning we have to buy full new uniform regularly.

How does this work in practice? She picks the kids up one day and keeps the uniform, then you have them ...they go to school from your house and they haven't brought their uniform?

It doesn't seem realistic to me.

It's madness.

Bananasinpyjamas11 Tue 02-Oct-18 08:56:02

However there is a massive difference between dealing with a slightly bitter/cold/other exw & an exw who makes it her mission in life to try to destroy your happiness because her hatred of her exh dominates even her love for her kids.. Magda always put it so well.

Until you’ve been there, it’s hard to put across how draining and impossible it is. Most SMs are also Ex wives with kids, so we do get it. I am an ex myself - however I can say hand on heart I have never subjected my oldest sons step mother to the kind of crap myself and others experience.

OP you do have my sympathies. Although people are right, ignoring and putting up boundaries are the best way, however it’s very damaging when they keep interfering in your relationship through your DP.

You say yourself the kids adore you, so whatever is going on she’s not influencing them to a great degree. And it’s been only 2.5 years, not long in some ways, so I’d say be a bit hopeful, this will probably calm down a lot.

The only thing that might not help is that there seems to be a lot of coparenting - school pick ups shared etc. I think that’s the most potentially volatile scenario- I wouldn’t really want my sons Sm to be doing drop offs etc either tbh if the Dad can’t do it, why are they having the child at that time? I can see why a woman would resist 3 way coparenting - it really should be Mum and Dad or just find another arrangement. Many dads seem to love this, they feel like a 50/50 Dad but then aren’t around for childcare and it’s the SM.

My DPs Ex is a nightmare too though. Separated 12 years now. She still treats DP like a husband, and when that fails makes the kids do it. Example, even last week the electricity failed in HER house - her kids phoned DP. Because she just leaves them and goes off, kids couldn’t get hold of her. kids are now 18+, but it’s always DP going to her house, sorting her stuff.

Bananasinpyjamas11 Tue 02-Oct-18 09:10:41

P.s. congratulations on getting married soon! There’s a triumph of love over adversity/spiteful exwives if I ever saw it.

DP had the same when his father died, he was really anxious as he knew Ex would want to sit up front, that he spent the whole time organizing how to block her and I hardly saw him.

Staceyjas Tue 02-Oct-18 09:13:44

My dhEX is crazyyyy hates me and dh always tell her dd horrible
Things about me! With someone else now and has kids but keeps sayin dd wants to live with us FT and demanding dh take her confused

Staceyjas Tue 02-Oct-18 09:28:49

Not thst ft would b an issue I just feel sorry for dd x

Wellfuckmeinbothears Tue 02-Oct-18 09:30:31

@Sunflowersforever sorry but “it isn’t fair” that they’ll never love you the same way they love their parents?! Of course it’s bloody fair. They are their PARENTS. You are not. You’re their dads wife or partner or whatever and while they might like you, you won’t ever be their parent and that’s how it should be. It really gets my back up step parents coming on here with all this “oh my step kids prefer me to their real mum/dad. They adore me, their mum/dad is abusive” blah blah blah. I have a lot of experience in step parenting and being a step child. I had a step mum from the age of 5 and yes, I liked her and enjoyed spending time with her and post divorce my mum was a bit batshit for a while but that didn’t mean I preferred my step mum over my mum. She’s my mum. My step mum was just another adult in my life who I liked. And I have a dd who has a step mum. I like her and respect her as does my dd. But that’s as far as it goes. All the step parents that bang on about their step kids preferring them to their actual parent are delusional and kidding themselves. You will never be their parent.

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