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Should I say something?

(24 Posts)
deliciouscheesecake Fri 28-Sep-18 20:38:15

Nearly 18 years ago my mother had a small inheritance. She invested it and with the resulting income, set up a savings account to assist her grandchildren to pay towards (university) education.

I'd completely forgotten about it until she reminded me a few weeks ago, as my eldest is just applying for university.

My issue is that in this long time she's been saving, I've married, had children, divorced, and now I'm in a a new relationship with a wonderful man who has two lovely sons.
I'm planning on getting remarried in the next few years.

So my new family was never part of her plan for her grandchildren.

What to do? Should I do anything? I haven't told my partner as I'd forgotten about her savings pot until recently. To be honest, she's not mentioned it since it was set up, and over the years I though she might have spent it or that it had been used for other things.

Now I feel guilty that my biological children will benefit from this pot and my future step children will not. We strive to treat all our children equally as we should.

But, and it's a big but, this is her savings for her grandchildren.

Should I even get involved?

She's made it clear it's between her and her grandchildren when they reach adulthood.

She won't tell me how much is saved but I'm thinking it could possibly be enough to fund each of her grandchildren through the first 1- 2
years of university. It's not a small sum. Definitely not the sort of sum we could find to give the others to compensate.

Any wise advice welcomed.

Have any of you found yourself in this predicament?

OP’s posts: |
GeorgeTheHippo Fri 28-Sep-18 20:40:15

You can treat them all equally. But they have different grandparents and that's just how it is. You shouldn't suggest any sharing and you shouldn't try to compensate.

BabyGoatsInPyjamas Fri 28-Sep-18 20:41:03

I've a DS

Two step children

Nice kids, I've a lot of love for them

They have their own grandparents though. My parents buy them token gifts for Christmas and birthdays but that's it..

This is between your mother and your children

LemonSqueezy0 Fri 28-Sep-18 20:43:41

No, I don't think you should say anything, as ultimately she chooses how to spend her money.

Have your stepchildren been particularly close to your mum from any great length of time? And they will have inheritances from their "own" (for want of a better word) grandparents that is unlikely to include your children. As the money isn't being left to you, it's not your choice how it is shared.

Singlenotsingle Fri 28-Sep-18 20:44:50

It's just the way it is. She didn't even know of the existence of these potential step children when she received the inheritance. I can't see any reason why she should be expected to extend this generous gift to people who are not her grandchildren.

Junglefowl Fri 28-Sep-18 20:45:09

You are so lovely and good to be so fair.

In a way it’s about your mum and her grandchildren but I think the best thing to do would be to tell your partner in the context of it worrying you and see if they have a reaction in how want to deal with this.

A nice solution might be to talk to your DC and if they wanted to for them to ask your mums permission to split what she kept for them with their step siblings? Otherwise I think it would be perfectly reasonable also to explain to them that she didn’t know about them when set it up but that you’d try to help them in any way you could too when their time comes and save early especially for this even if you can’t come close to making it the same

Snappedandfarted2018 Fri 28-Sep-18 20:47:13

It’s totally your mothers choice and a decision made prior to your step kids being on the scene. It should go to her grandchildren for the intended purpose.

SlowlyShrinking Fri 28-Sep-18 20:53:04

No. You and your future husband can treat all the children equally, but you shouldn’t force your mum to. Especially with something as big as this. I’m surprised you’d want to deprive your own kids tbh

Doyoumind Fri 28-Sep-18 20:54:28

I honestly can't see reasonable 18 year olds not understanding that their step grandmother won't be giving them money for university but will be giving her actual grandchildren help.

PrettyLovely Fri 28-Sep-18 20:54:36

When you say you are in a new relationship and the man has two sons how new is this relationship? You arent married to him, I cant see how you would seriously think that your mothers money for her grandchildren that she has saved up for a really long time should go towards your new relationships children as well.
Dont get involved in it, its between your children and their Nan as it should be.

HeckyPeck Fri 28-Sep-18 20:57:06

It’s a new relationship so I don’t think you need to say anything to your partner. It would be very odd if someone in a new relationship thought that their new partner’s mother should give their children a large sum of money.

Even if you were married to your DP I’d still agree with others and say this is between your mum and your children and you don’t need to say anything or get involved other than to thank your mum.

deliciouscheesecake Fri 28-Sep-18 21:52:36

Thank you all for your wisdom.

When I say new relationship I meant it's the first serious relationship since my divorce. It feels new after several decades of marriage but It's not really 'new' now, we have been dating for three years.

My mother hasn't had the opportunity to have a relationship with my partners children.

She's always welcoming, always warm but she's not seen them that much.

Yes, to answer a question asked, they do have two other sets of grandparents. Yes they will have their own inheritance at some point.

I think upon reflection, I'm going to leave this between my mum and her adult grandchildren.

We of course will do everything we can to support all our children through higher education in whatever form this takes

Thank you all for wise advice.

OP’s posts: |
swingofthings Sat 29-Sep-18 11:42:37

I think its really nice that you are thinking about your SCs in this case. There have been many threads when it is the poster's own children who lose out with grand parents favouring their step children with posters responding that grand parents should treat all kids the same regardless of being bio or not.

The question really is whether your SCs will lose out independently of your mother's intentions. Indeed it is her money and she should be free to spend as she wishes but maybe your OH can open a saving account himself if indeed his kids will struggle or need to take the full maintenance loan. In the end it always very much depends on the dynamics of your family and whether your SCs will really lose out and more importantly whether they care.

BasilFaulty Sat 29-Sep-18 12:29:50

A nice solution might be to talk to your DC and if they wanted to for them to ask your mums permission to split what she kept for them with their step siblings

Good lord please don't do this, this will put them in such an awkward position.
shock
It's lovely that you intend to treat them all the same but that's not really realistic or feasible sometimes. Your stepchildren presumably have other family members they will be get things from that your own won't, either from your DP's side or their own mums. I wouldn't overthink it, it's your DM's to do with how she chooses.

VimFuego101 Sat 29-Sep-18 12:39:40

If they will inherit from their own grandparents, I wouldn't feel the need to do anything. I doubt those grandparents will feel obliged to level the playing field by giving your children money.

Aprilislonggone Sat 29-Sep-18 12:43:48

Bottom line is their aren't your dm's dgc.
As you say they have their own anyway!!
No chat to be had with anyone imo.

WalkingTed Sat 29-Sep-18 12:45:27

its plain and simple.. your dds inheritance

you shouldnt interfere and please don't ask her to split it between her step siblings

grossly unfair IMO

IStandWithPosie Sat 29-Sep-18 12:54:05

We strive to treat all our children equally as we should.

This isn’t money from you. This isn’t you not treating the children equally. It’s a grandparent giving her grandchildren money. You don’t have a say in it if she wants to do that. It’s really not your decision how this money is spent or divided and nothing to do with treating all your children equally. It’s not from you.

ACatsNoHelpWithThat Sat 29-Sep-18 14:54:50

You've married and divorced your children's father in the time that your mum has been saving up. There's no guarantee your current relationship won't come to an end also in which case your mum would have given her hard-saved money to children she's neither biologically related to nor developed a close grandparent-grandchild type of relationship with either. You're wise to leave the matter between her and her DGC.

HerondaleDucks Sat 29-Sep-18 18:22:40

You're crackers. Don't tell your mum what to with her money. She's made a wonderful provision for your children. I wouldn't even tell your dp. It's none of his business. It's between a grandmother and her grandchildren. 3 year relationship does not justify his kids having a look in on your mother's money?! Madness. If it was your money sure you could do what you like.
Don't do this please.

user1493413286 Sun 30-Sep-18 10:40:47

I don’t think this should even be an issue; would you expect your DPs parents to give money to your children that they’ve been saving for that long.
I’d tell your partner and make it clear that it’s not anything to do with you and it’s between your mum and your children.

Magda72 Sun 30-Sep-18 11:06:47

What @user1493413286 says.
In the interests of disclosure tell your dp but stress it has nothing to do with you.
The entire business is between your mum & her dgcs - no one else's business.

HeckyPeck Sun 30-Sep-18 11:12:25

I think upon reflection, I'm going to leave this between my mum and her adult grandchildren.

Good plan smile

PsychicWoo Sun 30-Sep-18 11:12:43

But why would your partner think his children were entitled to your mother's money? I hate to say it, but you're not even married. If he shows any sign that he thinks they're entitled to it, that should be about the biggest red flag he could show you.

Your mother hardly knows those children. Why should she give them her savings?

In your mother's situation, I'd do exactly the same as her.

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