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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Am I wrong to feel a bit miffed?

27 replies

T2705 · 20/09/2018 07:58

Morning,

Just need a little moan, dp came home last night from picking up dsd's for their Wednesday overnight contact and told me that he hadn't mentioned it to me until he'd spoken to the ex but that he was going to be having the girls for an extra night onhis weekends (Sunday night in addition to Fri and sat) am I wrong to feel miffed that he didn't even mention this to me before hand?

It's not like I would of said no to it because I wouldn't, he said he knows it would be ok with me which is why he didn't think to talk to me before discussing it with the girls and his ex. I may have added in one or two points for him to consider but I would never not support him with extra time with them. Probably an over reaction but I just feel annoyed that he can make an arrangement like that which does have an impact on me without even mentioning it first.

If I did the same in reverse I know he would be pissed off. Urgh, men!!

OP posts:

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lifeinpieces123 · 20/09/2018 08:39

Just tell him how you feel and ask him to check with you first next time, and move on! We all make mistakes.

lifeinpieces123 · 20/09/2018 08:40

PS, you are not unreasonable to expect him to check with you first!

hamabr86 · 20/09/2018 09:24

My DP did this over summer, scheduled them in for every weekend plus a couple of weekdays instead of week on week off like he had previously mentioned. Couldn't understand why I was annoyed that he had effectively made my whole summer either childcare or work without actually mentioning it to me first. Obviously I was just evil stepmum and it was nothing to do with him being uncommunicative. YANBU.

PeridotCricket · 20/09/2018 09:29

He really should have discussed it with you first. It’s your home and your life too.

Spanglyprincess1 · 20/09/2018 09:35

I had a big row with my partner over similar he scheduled extra contact on the one day in five weeks that he wasn't working away or already had the children - again just a confused face. Id be unlikely to say no but I'd like to know.about it in advance esp as I may have made plans.
Yanbu , just explain and ask that plans are run past just in case of conflict etc.

lunar1 · 20/09/2018 09:35

It's one of those formalities in life isn't it, he should have asked and you shouldn't say no. It's one of those things that makes us feel we have a little control even when we really have none.

The only exception is if it requires you to physically do anything for his children in this time that he can't do, in that circumstance you should have a proper choice.

Autumnfairy82 · 20/09/2018 09:38

Yanbu. He should have been courteous and discussed it with you first.

T2705 · 20/09/2018 12:39

Thanks all for your replies and I know, its another "stepmum suck it up" situation!!

@lunar1 exactly that! And he is right, it does make sense, Sundays often end up being a mad rush of trying to get everyone fed and their stuff packed up so that he can do the 2 hour round trip to get them home but I have told him I feel a bit put out that he discussed it with everyone else first. This is my issue, particularly as he said it was initially brought up in conversation with the girls on Sunday, which would have given him plenty of time it mention it to me!!

I do really enjoy that couple of hours that I get to spend chilling out watching a film or something with my dc when hes off taking the others home though, so I may need to find a way to continue that though!

OP posts:

user1484986087 · 20/09/2018 12:41

Yanu. Forgetting is one thing, but deliberately not consulting you is another. My dh and I sit down together and agree the kids schedules every school year.

SandyY2K · 20/09/2018 18:52

@hamabr86

Couldn't understand why I was annoyed that he had effectively made my whole summer either childcare or work without actually mentioning it to me first.

The problem was you agreeing to do it. I would have refused to do the childcare age he's have had to take the time off.

By going ahead and doing it...he will feel at liberty to do it again.

Holidayshopping · 20/09/2018 18:56

So, what was his reason for having discussed it with everyone but you?!

HouseworkIsASin10 · 20/09/2018 19:00

Is this Fri-Mon every wkend? That wouldn't seem fair.

hamabr86 · 21/09/2018 12:01

T2705 They are young children and so when I am at home I can hardly avoid doing it as they tend to follow me around. I do make an effort to play with them and I'm less strict than Daddy so they tend to latch on a bit.

I try to leave him to it sometimes but we have moved from Hampshire to Yorkshire so there aren't that many places I can reasonably go.

He got in a massive hump when I told him he should be more considerate when planning my time for me.

Wdigin2this · 24/09/2018 13:46

That’s just unreasonable, having the DC on extra days is not something to be decided without talking it, and it’s implicat through first!

Bibidy · 25/09/2018 11:44

OP I'd be angry too.

It's your home and he should have discussed it with you first, regardless of whether his ex had confirmed it was OK or not. Where is the harm in sharing his idea with you first?

It's just common courtesy and I'd be very upset if my OH did this to me.

Gizlotsmum · 25/09/2018 11:53

How is he going to get them home on the Monday?

dontdoubtyourself · 25/09/2018 19:06

I dont get why he'd have to ask you. If it was the other way round and a mum was having her kids extra.. I would dump any bloke who thought i needed his permission first.

It comes across as though they are inconvenience to you.

colditz · 25/09/2018 19:11

If you're taking care of kids, they ARE an inconvenience to you. My own damned children are an inconvenience to me. One I wouldn't miss for the world, but never the less, them being here when I thought they wouldn't be is an inconvenience, or at least was when they were small.

T2705 · 26/09/2018 10:45

@dontdoubtyourself I have at no point have I inferred that my step children are an inconvenience to me. Yes I currently enjoy the time with my dc on our own when he is usually taking them home but I will ensure that we get this time another evening in the week. I have not said that its a problem just that its something that will change.

Actually, having 4 children to sort out on a Sunday evening/Monday morning instead of 2 is quite a big change, but again, I have not said anything about it being a problem. As @colditz says having children in general can be quite inconvenient at times!!

It is nothing to do with asking permission and I did not say he had to ask my permission. It is just the courtesy of mentioning the change. If the situation were reversed and my children were dropping an overnight contact with their dad I would have just mentioned it to my DP at some point before it was a done deal.

@gizlotsmum they leave the house at 7am and DP drives them back and takes them to school.

Glad I am not the only one it has happened to and am not the only one to feel miffed by it!

OP posts:

Gizlotsmum · 26/09/2018 11:00

That’s good that the change to a Monday won’t cause problems. I misread it as a 2 hour trip and thought that would be a hideously early start.

Nightwatch999 · 27/09/2018 04:04

YABU, he does not need to ask permission to see his kids.

Magda72 · 27/09/2018 13:46

He doesn't need to ask permission to see his child but he does need to realize that he cannot make unilateral decisions that affect the whole household without discussing these decisions with the other people living in the house!!!
This thread actually really triggers me & I would be furious with my dp if he made decisions concerning our household without speaking to me first.
I'm sorry op but to me the very fact he didn't discuss it with you first indicates that the chain of priority in his head is his dc, his ex, then you.
I personally think what this represents is quite a big deal & I'd be more that miffed.
It's not the dc spending more time that would be my issue, it would be the lack of respect show to me by discussing it with everyone else first.

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hamabr86 · 27/09/2018 14:06

colditz You wont mind looking after my kids a few days a week then as doing unexpected childcare / extra housework/ extra cooking /school runs etc. is not an inconvenience to you.

Fab.... good to know I can count on you for that.

hamabr86 · 27/09/2018 14:07

Sorry not colditz ranting at the wrong person lol

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 27/09/2018 16:54

This topic is a common theme with step parents, and after a good few years of step parenting myself, I do think it’s an important issue.

You and your DP will be better for each other and any DSCs if you work as a team. That means he not just mentions it, but is open to discuss whether any new arrangements work for your household. It’s not ‘permission’ it’s acknowledging the impact this has on you. And that this is best agreed between you.

Me and my DP had arguments about this. He felt that he never had to tell me when DSCs were here, or when our resident DSD went to her mums. That also counted for when we weren’t there, as the DSCs were sent to our house by their Mum when we were away.

It’s really crap when a DP does not see this.

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