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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Step-parenting

Just discovered dsd is smoking cannabis

15 replies

QueenOfIce · 18/09/2018 11:31

She's 14, she already drinks with the consent of her mother who buys it for her and allows her to get drunk and now this.

Dh and dsd mum it's clear are not co parenting, dh says no to sleepovers in term time due to her school work and dsd mum allows it. Dh has spoken to dsd on several occasions about these things but it seems either her mum can't deal with the fallout or is fine with the amount of freedom she has.

Question is whilst she's with us how to handle it?! We won't be giving her any money nor will she be hanging out with the people who she's smoking with but ultimately the fear is that she becomes more secretive and does it anyway.

As far as I'm concerned I no longer trust her she's lied to our faces and so where to go from here?

OP posts:

Report

WhiteCat1704 · 18/09/2018 13:31

You can't really stop her I'm afraid..you can talk and try to reason, explain how it affects young brains development and how she had no idea whats in it but ultimately she will do what she wants. You can, however, make it crystal clear that if she brings this stuff to your house and/or tries to smoke it in your house you will report her to the police..you should mean it.

Rebecca36 · 18/09/2018 13:35

You can't stop her except for not allowing it in your house. I've known of many kids who smoked weed as teenagers but it was only occasionally and they outgrew it. She's just pushing boundaries. Yes we do hear of young people who were 'potheads' from 14 but most don't, they just try it and smoke it sometimes with friends.

Don't worry about it.

QueenOfIce · 18/09/2018 16:52

We do worry about it and with good reason.

OP posts:

Blendingrock · 21/09/2018 03:27

I'd be upfront with her. Say you know you can't stop her, but you are not going to enable her either, and it's not going to happen while she's with you. Tell her it's not because you want to be the fun Police, it's because you are concerned for her and worry about the long term effects. Tell her you are going to introduce random drug testing (you can get home test kits from the chemist - we got one) and if she tests positive, there will be the consequences (talk to DH before-hand and between you work out what's suitable for you guys). If she won't agree to the test being done, you'll take that as an indication that she'd have tested positive and the same consequences apply.

She'll call your bluff of course, but present a united front and stick to your guns. Good luck!

SD1978 · 21/09/2018 04:11

How often is she at your house?

swingofthings · 21/09/2018 05:52

It seems the girl is torn between two extreme parenting. No sleepover at weekends is very strict and not what most parents of 14yo would adhere to.

Re. Cannabis she needs to be educated to the risk and potential health consequences. I would also look at her friendships and whether it comes from mixing with new friends.

SundayAM · 21/09/2018 06:03

I’d speak to school about your concerns as well, they can probably bring a drugs worker in to talk about the long term impact.
They could also have police in to do a drugs talk with her year group about the criminal aspect.
That aside it will be hard to break the cycle of it which you need to do. Can you see how you are worried and with good reason. Does her mum think it’s acceptable?

QueenOfIce · 21/09/2018 16:07

Dh has worked with addicts he's made dsd very aware of the potential risks and she always swore she'd never try drugs. Dsd mum although the evidence is blinding refuses to believe that dsd smokes it. Seems they're into bongs as well as the splifs.

As far as stopping sleepovers that is in term time only as she is in yr 10 and is on track to fail her GCSEs currently so the amount of freedom she has needs to be curtailed for the 6 weeks of term, not forever.

OP posts:

Rachie1973 · 22/09/2018 18:50

No sleepovers period? Or just on weekdays?

She's 14. Push too hard and she'll vote with her feet.

QueenOfIce · 22/09/2018 19:50

I may sound rude but do folk deliberately not read ops? My op clearly states no sleepovers in term time. I have also reiterated the 'in term time' in a subsequent post. The issue is not fucking sleepovers the issue is that my dsd is taking drugs! 🙄

OP posts:

Rachie1973 · 22/09/2018 20:24

QueenOfIce
I may sound rude but do folk deliberately not read ops? My op clearly states no sleepovers in term time. I have also reiterated the 'in term time' in a subsequent post. The issue is not fucking sleepovers the issue is that my dsd is taking drugs

I read, and asked for clarification. Does 'term time' include weekends?

If so then I think your SD will pretty much stay with her Mum.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 22/09/2018 23:37

I don’t think the way to deal with teenagers is to be scared of pushing them or they will think with their feet. I think it’s the time we treat them more like an adult by being very plain about the long term consequences of doing silly or dangerous things.

However keep in that mix of laying out clear boundaries, fun and relaxed times with her Dad and you, keep her trusting you. Keep her close. Be there as much as you can without suffocating her world. Give her lifts, be interested in her life, big up any and all of the good decisions or things she does.

Friendship groups are key, and unfortunately that’s really hard to keep an eye on when she’s not with you most of the time. If she’ll go for it, introduce her to other groups of kids her age, through activities, family, anything so she is not so reliant on one group.

SD1978 · 23/09/2018 02:08

You havent answered how frequently you have her at your house. If her father had worked with addicts- surely he's aware that a heavy handed approach has never and will never work? How often is she out drinking and smoking? Is her mother condoning this, or can't stop this? Any way that all of you can ty to work out a plan/rules together? Is the behaviour new, or been happening for a while? Is it still mainly alcohol only or usually cannabis too? And how frequently? It's a horrible situation to be in- but unless her Mum and dad are showing a united front- there is nothing else. She'll continue to be behave how she wants and attempts at consequences only carries Brough rarely will have no effect

Perfectly1mperfect · 23/09/2018 02:31

Don't worry about it.

Seriously ?

It's never going to be ok that a 14 year old is smoking cannabis. Her mother sounds completely irresponsible.

OP. Sorry I have no experience of this but you are right to be very concerned. Hopefully you will get some helpful advice soon.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 23/09/2018 10:51

I disagree that there is nothing that they can do though.

Studies show that a parent saying ‘it’s not okay’ about drinking and drugs lessens the possibility that the child will do it as much as others who are told it’s fine. It’s better if possible that kids stay off even drinking until they are at least 16. However the OPs DSD has already started but it’s still a good idea to bring it out into the open and say that this is not a good idea.

Open communication is still important, so it’s good if it’s not all ‘don’t do this - punishment’ but that she is given loads of opportunities to have fun, be close with her family in nice ways too.

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