My life is very complicated, and there's far too much back story to get into here, so I'll keep this as short as possible without a dripfeed.
DP has 2 dc. Toddler/Pre-school age. He and exw split when they were babies, her decision, but she has been very difficult regarding contact. She stops it for no reason, makes SS reports for no reason (we're on a first name basis with three social workers, but we've never had an actual visit), refuses to turn up to court, or follow the court order, etc.
I met them roughly a year ago, and noticed some behaviour in dc2 that I felt needed to be corrected, but his kids, up to him, kept my mouth shut. This behaviour had increased, but from things his family have said, it was present way before they met me. It is small kid type stuff, but it's things I didn't let my dc do without correcting them. And it has become more noticeable.
First, dc2 has no concept of boundaries. Every room is enterable on a whim, including my DC's, and the bathroom. Will kick the door if it's locked until whoever it is comes out.
Everything belongs to them. Sharing is a no go when it's DC2 who has to share, other kids have to share everything with dc2. Dc2 will strike out if other kids don't share, and will strike out if asked to share with other kids, slapping their faces, hitting them, and then trying to say that they had hit dc2.
Dc2 will tell you what to say in conversation. Example: 'I want to go to the shops and we'll buy toys, you say yes of course. Now get the car keys.'
Dc2 says things about daddy loving mummy, and when they all move back in together -(although given the age at the time of the split, I wouldn't have thought there would be any memory of them living together) - in the 'new house' they'll still come to my house to see me, my dc and play with their toys here. Dp told her that he loves dc1 and dc2, me and my dc, but that daddy and mummy don't love each other, but they do love the dc. He said that he lives with me, and won't be moving into the 'new house'. (We know absolutely nothing about moving, or a new house).
Dc2 is very jealous and cannot stand any of us to speak to anyone else. Will physically move in between dp, or me, and another child. Not so much when it's DP and I talking to each other, although has done on occasion.
dc2 will not listen to me, regarding rules. If I say not to do something, dc2 has to do it, because apparently dc2 doesn't have to listen to me. Doesn't really listen to dp either.
dc2 does quite a bit of telling each parent what they 'want to hear'. Tells her dm that dc2 wants her the most, and hates dp, but tells dp the same.
After a particularly difficult contact, full of challenging behaviour, DP sat down and asked what I thought he should do.
He can't talk to exw, as she refuses to discuss rules, boundaries etc. with him in any useful way. One minute she says that dc2 is the perfect child who follows all the rules, and accepts boundaries, and the next is saying that there's no rules in her house so there shouldn't be rules in ours. One minute, she's saying that she can take dc2 on days out, and the next saying that dc2 is so badly behaved that they haven't left the house in several months. So we don't even know what rules and boundaries there are at Mum's house. I don't want to get into a whole courthouse drama about her parenting, but I suspect that she was telling us the truth when she said that there are no rules or boundaries. Also, dc1 has various medical issues, and we think gets the majority of the attention at mum's house.
DP is fearful of saying no to dc2, because he thinks that they won't want to come. Which set off Disney Dad alarm bells for me. I don't think that's the way to go, although I genuinely don't know how to advise him.
My personal opinion is that while this is mostly typical behaviour for this age group, and could be a lack of attention thing, it also can't be allowed to go unchecked. It's the how to do something about it that I'm struggling with. Before I met them, I did make it clear to him that privacy is important to me and to my dc(teenagers), and that his dc2 couldn't wander into rooms, or ignore rules.
This post is much more confusing than I had intended, so congratulations on making it this far!
I think what my question is is:
How to put rules and boundaries in place when there's none/different ones at mum's house?
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RepealRepealRepeal · 17/09/2018 23:54
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