DSS wants to live with BM

[olivesnutsandcheese]

He's 14. BM left when he was 5. Didn't want him. I've been SM for 8 years and SAHM for 7 of those. DH and I also have a DS 6 between us. He wants to live in a crap area and give up his nice school. I'm heartbroken and so so worried he's going to totally mess his life up. BM doesn't even want him particularly. She just knows she will upset him if she says no.
Not really sure what I'm asking for but I just want to scream and shout and give his head a wobble.

[shaggedthruahedgebackwards]

That sounds really hard

Has DSS been estranged from his BM in the intervening years since she left and only recently reappeared on the scene or have they always maintained contact?

[olivesnutsandcheese]

They've always maintained contact, going EOW.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

That sounds difficult.

Has he said why?

Does his Mum have other children? It might be as simple as he wants to be an only and finds having a younger sibling hard work now he's a teen.

Where's his Dad in this?

At 14 I think you have to listen to him, he can always come back if it doesn't work out, but first try and get to the bottom of what's going on in his head. It's rubbish being that age, life can be very confusing!

[shaggedthruahedgebackwards]

Agree with Anne

At 14 you can't really stop him moving if that's what he really wants to do

All you can do is let him know the door is always open and keep in regular contact to see how things go

[bastardkitty]

BM! Do you mean Mum?

[boux]

To be fair @bastardkitty I think that term is fair when the Mum left her own child and doesn't even want him particularly. Sounds like the op has been far more involved in raising this boy.

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

I’d fight to keep him. Can you talk to the mother? At 14 he doesn’t understand the long term consequences of his actions, and he might be moving for an easy life rather than any really good reason.

[Frazzledkate]

Gah. Probably quite a few 14 year olds would bog off when going through that awful teen agst if they had a chance. Shame he has somewhere to head for, grass is greener and all that.

How hurtful for you, you love him alot.

No words of advice sadly. Just a reminder that one day soon he will appreciate all you've done. And that things will turn out OK. These are the rocky years, sense will very likely prevail.

[BarbarianMum]

Id say no - or rather yes, but not til you're 16. In the meantime however it would be great for you to see your mum more so let's do x/y/z to make that happen.

This situation seems to me to be very emotionally loaded for him. If his mum says yes, it means she's no longer rejecting him. But if you/his dad say yes them he'll be worrying that you are, on some level, rejecting him by letting him go.

If his 'lovely school' really isnt a good fit for him - and he maybe feels it isnt- then work with him to find another.

[olivesnutsandcheese]

Thank you for all your comments. Lots to think about. I really hope it does turn out ok in the end, it's just so draining being right in it at the moment. Small DS is really picking up on the toxic atmosphere too 😕. I just want to wake up and have my lovely boy back again.

[BasilFaulty]

Ding ding ding!! And the winner of stepparent forum bingo goes to @bastardkitty !!
Did you even RTFT? Or just jump on the BM in the title? Good god get a grip. And I usually hate BM.

OP, it sounds really difficult. In your position I agree I think you should be fighting to keep him, both you and DH.

[ClashCityRocker]

What are his reasons for wanting to?

It's a tricky one, as at fourteen I don't think you'd be able to hold him there totally against his will - and I'm sure you wouldn't want to do that anyway.

I remember from my teenage years quite a few of my friends with separated parents chopped and changed a bit - usually on a 'grass is greener' basis, returning back to the former residence when they realised that was the case (and flouncing back at the next row etc... 🙄) but if changing schools is necessary then I can see its not as simple as that in your case.

What's the relationship like with his mother? I can appreciate that she doesn't want to tell him no, but could she persuaded to have a gentle conversation about thinking about what's best for her son in the long run... At least until gcses are over with, as presumably he will be doing them in the next couple of years?