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Omg the resentment is building up!

(7 Posts)
easylover Tue 11-Sep-18 15:57:12

I've been with my dh 6 years now, only married for 3 weeks but living together for 3 years. He had 2 dd's I have a dd and a ds. Blending our families has been no easy task but it's been pretty good on the whole. His youngest dd now 12 nearly 13 is obviously at a difficult age, but wow she is just so awful to everyone. She hates me apparently 🤷‍♀️. She doesn't have to be polite to me as I'm not blood apparently. Her dad my husband recently had a heart attack it was all very scary we were all shocked and rallied around to help him. She didn't seem to care, I'm sure she does but but she just shows no empathy. She doesn't seem to understand people's feelings.

When we were going on holiday, baring in mind she seemed all happy about it, she refused to come because she wanted to stay in bed, and doesn't like me, after a lot of arguing and a palaver she did come and enjoyed it.

She is very stubborn at home everyone else comes down for dinner etc, helps clear up she just sits in her room and has a pot noodle later, the dinner I cooked for her goes in the bin! So many things.

Now she has said she doesn't want to come here for Xmas day she wants to go her mums. I mean it doesn't matter that much it's just with being a blended family we have always worked it as they spend Xmas with each parent alternative years and it's all worked with dh mum so she comes round to give presents etc. So dh is so hurt. He's still recovering from his heart attack and been quite down really and I can't say anything to dsd I just have to rise above it but I hate how she upsets everyone all the time. It's much harder when your a step parent as you have to keep quiet . If it was my own dcs I could take control a bit 😤

I have the opposite problem with my ex my dcs dad since he's got a girlfriend, the girlfriend doesn't like my dcs so he never sees them ffs!! I wanna scream

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Redbus1030 Tue 11-Sep-18 16:21:56

How amicable is your DH with his ex? Im convinced this plays a part in DC behaviour. Especially this pre-teen/teen age group.
I have a 13yo DSD and although not quite as extreme can certainly be pretty mean, her poor Dad at times it seems could breath wrong and she would pick fault in it and complain somehow back to her Mum. I can not remember the last time we had a weekend which felt like nice quality time you know!
The reason I ask about DH and ex being amicable is that my DH and ex are not, where as my ex and I are ok and it really reflects the whole attitude of the DC.
How is your other DSD?

easylover Tue 11-Sep-18 16:29:33

Hmm well no I don't trust her and I definitely think she has a hand in manipulating her a lot. She in the past has tried to split us up been to court because she got jealous and was trying to stop the children seeing their dad. However fast forward a few years and she has a new partner with 3 year old twins and another dd. So her mum is pushing for them to be altogether, the older one wants to see her dad and is happy with the normal arrangement but this one always seems to want the opposite. But what can he do he can't force her to come xmas or any other time for that matter.

I do think you have something though the ex wife has something to do with it !

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Redbus1030 Tue 11-Sep-18 16:57:26

yep I'm afraid over the years it's become the norm if Dad is mentioned there is a negative undertone to it and over the years that has it's affect on a hormonal teenager.

I would agree you can't force the visiting, just carry on as normal with confidence you are a normal blended unit and normal people and hope it's something she moves on from. Sadly if you have an outside influence in their ear it is extemely difficult sad

SandyY2K Tue 11-Sep-18 17:32:27

The best way to deal with Christmas is leave it to her. She doesn't want to come fine. Don't act bothered by it.

She's probably wanting to be begged and seeking attention.

She can stay with her mum and the little kids while you guys have fun.... and do make sure you all have a goid time and don't let her absence spoil it.

When my own DD played up ... I used to ignore her. If she was messing around, I took my other DD out and left her to sulk.

Kids are smart. They seek attention and test boundaries.

One time after she misbehaved, she came and stood right in front of me (arms folded) asking (demanding to know) why I was ignoring her. I was close to laughing, but I kept a straight face and said that I didn't like her behaviour and she was being disrespectful and deserved better as her mum.

I know it's different with SC though. You can give your own tough love.

Nettletheelf Tue 11-Sep-18 17:45:25

Is your husband supportive, ie would he back you up if you told your stepdaughter off? That’s the most important thing for a step parent.

I became a stepmum to a 14 year old and an 11 year old when I got married. God, it was hard. I never subscribed to the idea that I just had to stay in the background and put up with bad behaviour, though. I didn’t pick them up on everything, but when they were especially rude or inconsiderate I’d call them on it. If I was expected to take part in parenting them (which I was; guess who was making beds when they came to stay, shopping for the sort of food they liked and sorting out Christmas presents, Easter eggs, etc., plus I had to accept that they would be accompanying us on holiday and that holiday would be kid-centric whether I liked it or not) then I expected to have the rights of a parent as well as the responsibilities.

We have a great relationship now, and I’m sure that’s because I didn’t let them walk all over me. Good luck.

easylover Tue 11-Sep-18 19:36:24

I think the problem atm is he had a heart attack so he can't be bothered with it all, she hates me so I can't really discipline her, don't get me wrong i don't have her being rude to me, she doesn't like it but I will pull her up on it.

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