Handhold through court process

(16 Posts)
Spanglyprincess1 Tue 11-Sep-18 08:20:29

So finally we are starting the process to get court acess to the kids. The ex keeps witholding contact at short notice eg ten pm last night for school pick up today, we are supossed to have 50:50. Thebcalander for contact is agreed in advance and we have it in writing. The reasons are the little one didn't want to have to try new meals (we do stuff she likes four meals out of five and the fifth is something new accompanied by two side dishes she will definitely eat). This is a ridiculous reason to withhold contact especially as she has swimming lessons which we pay for that she won't go to now as ex refused to take her.
We have tried to resolve this issue but its ongoing, contact has been refused several time for spurious reasons such as above or wanting to do x instead, with ex stating that it's not respecting the emotional well-being of the children - all under eleven. For reference they do homework here have clothes here are fed and we pay for two of their three hobbies that they do and do 50% of school pickups etc.
Finally we are broken and are going to court ourselves to get the agreement in writing enforced. I assume it's normal process and we just need to bring evidence of our efforts etc?
Also we pay well over the CMS calculation - which is £28 a month due to low income but we manage to find 7x that plus pay for food, hobbies etc as the kids enjoy these. Personally I think we should drop to the CMS calculation until this is resolved.
Honestly I think it's a disgrace that children are used as pawns and I can't imagine a situation where I would do that with my own son.
Sorry for the rant!

OP’s posts: |
Magda72 Tue 11-Sep-18 12:06:33

I hear you. My dp has just found out that his ex made their eldest buy his own uniform & school equipment plus new glasses out of his birthday money!! This was done to try to force more money out of dp who already gives her £2,500 a month!
These people are beyond impossible to deal with & court is the only way.
Good luck with it all.

Spanglyprincess1 Tue 11-Sep-18 12:27:52

I find it really sad, my friend is divorced and does everything possible to facilitate her kids contact. She hates her ex but they make conparentig work as it's for the best. Sadly this seems to be rare rather than the common approach

OP’s posts: |

Good luck - court is absolutely the right way to go. But I'd suggest not adjusting the .maintenance while this is happening - it could be presented negatively in court as an attempt to bully her into agreeing what you want. Sort the contact first - maintenance follows that

Spanglyprincess1 Tue 11-Sep-18 13:14:16

Really? Even though our baby was born recently and it needed adjusting anyway for that. We did inform her but we're not going to do it really as things were working.
Tbh I'm worried all of this is a reaction to the baby. The kids all love him and him them (he laughed for the first time only with them, it's realy cute).
I just want the contact to continue and everything to be sorted out as it's draining to live on quicksand.

OP’s posts: |
takeittakeit Fri 14-Sep-18 13:36:08

Ex should not withhold contact end of.

However, if it is truly 50:50 then why are you paying maintenance?

IF the CSA calculation is £28 pcm and he pays 7 times that £196 pcm - good on him - good dad. How many kids is this for?

If the DCs are with you 50% then yes he should be contributing to the hobbies aswell - that is not extra that is normal.

I was with you until the rider at the end - we need to drop it as we have a new baby came in!

Too many questions here and you are confusing issues - she denies contact wrong, what he pays for his DCS 2-3 is on 50:50 etc

Spanglyprincess1 Fri 14-Sep-18 14:02:11

Because it's not through CSA and she won't let him see kids unless he pay X amount.
Don't ask why but he had to agree to pay that to get access to them, he previously paid CMS amount
We have them 50% so tues- Thursday every week, eow from Friday to Monday morning and half school hols. We cover hobbies as stated and usual clothes, shoes etc and half school trips etc . So it is half. Partner is self employed n flexible so generally we cover having them if unwell. Ex moved 20miles away but refused to pick up or drop off so it's 800 miles a month. We are moving closer to them despite the area not being as nice to reduce the commute costs - but still get abuse about not putting kids first!
The issue is largely the radom 'bad dad's abuse n stopping contact randomly. It's not acceptable.
Basically regarding last point the maintenance has to drop as it's not sustainable, I'm subsiding the family but am on mat so can't do so and will be unable to longer term. She keeps all CB etc despite the split care. it's not unreasonable - again the drop wouldn't be to.the cms level but to 3 times higher not the seven times.it.is now

OP’s posts: |


Spanglyprincess1 Fri 14-Sep-18 14:03:58

Obviously hobbies etc would still be paid for but we can't cover these , half food, school runs, uniform etc and pay the 7 X higher maintenance

OP’s posts: |
Spanglyprincess1 Fri 14-Sep-18 14:13:19

As a random update we have to do mediation I think even though it was down before unsuccessfully. So I'm trying to book that. If anyone has been through the same is it better to try and book a joint session as cheaper than two separate sessions? Also do we pay for both sessions of sepertse or just ours and the ex for her session?

OP’s posts: |
HeckyPeck Fri 14-Sep-18 16:25:58

With 50:50 being on a low income and having to do all pick ups/drop offs despite her being the one who moved away I’d pay just the CMS calculation.

Pp might have a point re waiting until after you have a court order so she can’t then use contact as a way to blackmail you guys out of money.

I’ve not done mediation but I think you each pay for your own session if it’s separate.

Hope it goes well.

FinallyFree123456789 Fri 14-Sep-18 16:30:12

Hi :-)

I can't help with all the other stuff however, When I contacted mediation; I paid for my session and he paid for his session. I got a reduction as I was on a low income.
We had to have separate sessions because there had been DV and an injunction.

Every time a new court application is filed mediation has to be attempted within a certain amount of time - think it might have been 6 months.

From the sounds of it you're doing the right thing. :-)

ZigZagZebras Sat 15-Sep-18 07:10:50

If you have his children Tues - Thurs every week and fri-mon every other week then that means their mum only has them fri-mon every other weekend. That's probably your answer as to why she's wanting extra time with them.
Suggest to their dad that he talks about changing the arrangements so that shes seeing them more than fri-mon twice a month.

RiddleyW Sat 15-Sep-18 07:22:02

Aren’t you having them more than 50% if I’ve understood your schedule correctly.

Spanglyprincess1 Sat 15-Sep-18 08:02:58

The ex sets the schedule! Not us. This is what she wanted and arranged, if we don't agree - and we don't tbh she won't move. We have asked to change to week on/week off or to different days so kids see her more and us in a block but answer is flat no it doesn't suit her.

No we pick up after school Tuesday and drop to school Thursday morning but she does Thursday nights. It's exactly half the school drops/pick ups unless we have them at weekend too.

It's very disruptive to the kids and is an insane amount of driving

OP’s posts: |
Spanglyprincess1 Sun 16-Sep-18 18:06:15

Any thoughts on scehdules we should suggest then? We want to move days to Monday to wednesday each week, so her childcare costs are same in the week but the kids get a larger block of time.wkth each parent, rather than being bitty. They miss their mom as are often with their grandparents on a weekend despite us having them eow.
Is this fair?

OP’s posts: |
HeckyPeck Mon 17-Sep-18 09:55:27

It sounds fair to me. If your suggestions are putting the kids best interests first and work allows for it then I can’t see why it wouldn’t be fair.

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in