Partner has begun having contact with his child - I feel lost

[Slinginbrew]

Hello everyone, hoping I can get some useful advice here...

My DP and I have been living together for around a year. He has recently started to have contact with his daughter who was conceived shortly before we met, from a one night stand. It’s been a long road for him to achieve contact and he is currently seeing her three times a week, at the mothers house.

I am really pleased for him that contact has started and it’s all getting sorted (still know there will be tough times ahead!) but I’m feeling pretty lost as to my role. We have recently had two miscarriages too, which makes things really really difficult for me. I still feel a bit sick when he goes round there, although it’s only been three weeks. I have not met his child yet and won’t be doing for a while until everything is organised.

Can anyone help and give me some advice on how to stay positive?? Thanks

[lifeinpieces123]

I think trying to getting contact and maintaining in his DD's life (even she was from an ONS) proves the guy to be fairly responsible and trustworthy man. Things will improve eventually, just consider this as something he needs to do and trying to be as supportive as possible :)

[T2705]

Ah sorry about the miscarriages - that is tough for you, I hope you have had plenty of support. As hard as it is try and separate that from your feelings regarding his contact with his DD.

With this new situation, as you already know, things will improve, in time he will start to have more contact in his own right and at that point you will gradually get more involved. In the meantime it is difficult for you. Try and find things to do in the time that he is having contact that you can enjoy, maybe meeting friends for coffee or dinner or something, or just relaxing at home watching some TV that you enjoy and he doesn't! Anything that you can't or don't usually do. Its totally different, but I felt a bit like this when I first split up with my ex and my kids went off for contact with him. I just tried to fill the time with nice things as much as possible rather than mope around the house and it did help.

As lifeinpieces has said, it says a great deal about his character that he has fought and continued to fight for the contact and try and take some comfort in that. It will get better, to you xx

[lifeinpieces123]

Totally agree to T2705. Take it as an opportunity to do sth you like, catch up with your friends/family, and relax! Once you get more involved with his daughter and also when you have your own child, you would realise how precious those free times are and actually wish he takes care of the kids and leave you alone!

[HeckyPeck]

I’m so sorry about your miscarriages OP. It’s not surprising that you’re finding this difficult.

I agree with the PP who said to find nice things to do whilst he’s visiting so you’re not sitting round thinking about it.

Have you got anyone in real life you can talk to about it?

[Wheresthel1ght]

Sorry for your losses.

I think at the moment you place is purely to support him in the pursuit of a relationship with his child. It is far too soon for you to have any role directly with the child. She has only known him for a few weeks and that bond needs to grow, develop and consolidate before you get to have your own role.

Sorry I know that probably isn't what you want to hear, but even as a step mum of 6 years I think you need to accept that there is no role for you yet. It will come in time

[user1468348545]

Oh op; I have the utmost sympathy as this almost exact situation happened to me! Slight difference is that we were allowed to have her overnight at a few weeks old (unusual I know)

The only thing I can say is that it does get easier. My DSD is now 1 and I am due in a couple of months as well after miscarrying (had the coil but fell pregnant) the same week we found out about the daughter. (She had Multiple potential dads) I have a fantastic relationship with her and it's a pleasure getting to watch her grow, and me and her dad being together will be what she knows and the situation as it is now.

All you can do is support him and be as open as you can. Make sure you keep busy for now when he's seeing her just for your own sake, but I'm sure it'll all come together nicely!!

[Slinginbrew]

Thank you all so much for your comfort and really useful advice. I’ve actually been pondering a career change for a while and wonder if I should throw my energy into that for a bit to distract from the situation, so I can be more emotionally available and less fraught.

@user1468348545 that’s so helpful to hear about your situation and how you’re further down the line and making it work really well. I was really hoping to hear from someone who had been through the same thing. So sorry to hear about your miscarriage too - awful thing to happen to any woman.

[user1468348545]

You're welcome. There's been tough moments and it's definitely a tough job to have a young baby suddenly appear from nowhere but my dp and I just constantly communicate with one another. It's crucial in my opinion especially when miscarriage is part of it. It's a horrific time and I did sink into some really low moments. But actually in some ways it's lovely having such a young sc as I have managed to build a wonderful bond already with her too.

Just be patient and open, and when the times right you'll find your place. Just like he's finding his :)