Resentment growing, not love

(116 Posts)
childlessstepmom Mon 03-Sep-18 16:13:19

I have a 9yr old SD who I first met 6 months ago. I have been with OH for 14months and love him dearly. Although SD has taken to me very well and adores me, I can't reciprocate the feelings. I don't feel anything when I see her, in fact as time is going on I'm beginning to resent her. Any day off my OH has, he has his child, which is amazing, he is a loving father, but I resent that WE don't get time together as a couple. We have just been away together and he suggested we had a night out just us two while the gparents had his daughter (as he knows I struggle with not having much time just us), but then he changed his mind saying the holiday was about his daughter and his family. I was gutted. We have the whole weekend with her this weekend and I am not looking forward to it, as everything is about her. I play with her and can put on a pretence of enjoying myself, but I'm not. I hate myself for thinking it, but I can't help it.
I feel like I should walk away now, but the thought of losing him makes me sick. Does anyone else feel like this, or been through similar?

OP’s posts: |
IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan Mon 03-Sep-18 16:18:07

Any day off my OH has, he has his child, which is amazing

No it’s not. It’s just parenting. Bog standard parenting. The fact you mention this suggest you didn’t expect him to have his daughter when he isn’t working.

If you resent his daughter at 14 months in then yes you absolutely should walk away, because staying won’t mean less time with her, it will mean more. Cut your losses now.

Buggeritimgettingup Mon 03-Sep-18 16:20:23

Walk away, you're not in the right place for a relationship with a parent.

Aprilshowersnowastorm Mon 03-Sep-18 16:22:40

The best day of my marriage was the last one - when I knew I wouldn't have to deal with his dd /ex ever again.
Some of us just aren't cut out to be a sm.
No shame in it.

BasilFaulty Mon 03-Sep-18 16:24:27

Hi, I'm a stepmum to four children with none of my own. Patience and understanding are the most important things to remember - remember that your SD didn't ask for any of this.
That all being said, I have to say I think you've moved things on too soon. You've only been together just over a year - I hadn't even met them by then and it seems you must have met her when you'd only been together 8 months?
The resentment will not get easier, in afraid to say, in fact it will probably get worse in my experience. It's very important to keep a sense of yourself and do your own thing with friends etc, the things you did before meeting him and his child, otherwise you'll end up resenting even more. Remember if he was single he'd have to do it all himself and everything you do should be because you want to and care about the stepchild, not because you feel like you have to and if you didn't it wouldn't get done.
Again, that doesn't seem to be the case though and he seems like a good dad.
Unless you can move past your resentment, I'm sorry I just don't think it's going to work - better to cut your losses now then get even more attached. There will be someone else out there that you love just as much but without the resentment.

Magda72 Mon 03-Sep-18 16:25:47

I'm not in the same boat as I have kids as does my dp. What I will say however, is as I was already a mother I thought being with a man who had kids would be easy. It's not. Step parenting is not for everyone & if I were you I'd listen to my gut. If you increasingly feel that your ability to accept his family dynamic is limited leave. If he can't prioritize you sometimes now, the chances are he never will. His dd is only a kid & it's his parenting of her that's the issue, not her.
You deserve to be happy so don't settle if it doesn't feel good.

PrincessAvaR Mon 03-Sep-18 16:28:57

It's a difficult situation, particularly as you have no children of your own. On the one hand I understand you wanting time alone with your OH but on the other I can understand him wanting to see as much of his DD as possible, particularly as he doesn't live with her. I do however think it's important for you to also enjoy time alone together as a couple. Even parents who are together and raising their children under the one roof deserve some time as a couple.

Have you spoken to your OH about how you feel? Do you think that if you did have more alone time with your OH you would feel any differently towards his DD? If not then perhaps you do need to consider walking away now, however much it hurts as things will only get worse as your feelings of resentment increase.


HipsterAssassin Mon 03-Sep-18 16:38:46

Hold on, if you only met her 6 months ago, have you gone from having plenty of adult-only time (enough to have a relationship) to having only family (or rather stepfamily) time?

Do you get much time together without his dd?

Ginger1982 Mon 03-Sep-18 16:40:34

How often does she stay with you?

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan Mon 03-Sep-18 16:46:42

Yes I’m confused too. She is with you this whole weekend which implies she isn’t always with you (him, actually) every weekend. So you do have time alone with him.

ScabbyBabby Mon 03-Sep-18 16:48:58

I think it's good that you can be so honest.

I would move on for the benefit of everyone.

HappyStep1 Mon 03-Sep-18 16:50:13

If you're resenting her now you should definitely think about moving on from this relationship.
All couples need some time for each other but he will naturally prioritise his DD if he is NRP so get used to it or look for someone new before the child gets to attached to you.

Wheresthel1ght Mon 03-Sep-18 16:56:52

If you only met her 6 months ago what has changed in your relationship between the first 10 months and her becoming part of the equation? I would assume he made time for just the 2 of you then.

You are focusing on the wrong person where the resentment is concerned. The issue is not his daughter. The issue lies 100% at the feet of your partner. He has stopped making an effort on your relationship and is using his daughter as an excuse.

I think once you realign your thinking to what is actually the cause of your resentment you will find your relationship with his daughter will dramatically improve. I say this as a step mum of 6 years with a partner who works permanent nights and went through very similar issues at the start of our relationship.

BlingLoving Mon 03-Sep-18 17:01:22

It's a bit confusing. Do you get any time together when SD is with her mum? Is the issue that if she's around, you don't get time together? Or is the issue that any spare time he has, he spends with her?

If it's the former, and you can't cope with that, then you probably need to move on. If it's the latter, then he does need to prioritise ALSO spending time with you as no relationship can work if there's always a third person involved.

It sounds to me though that you're jealous of SD. Which isn't a nice emotion but I guess you can't help it. If you can't, then you're better off walking away as it's not going to get any easier.

childlessstepmom Mon 03-Sep-18 17:04:14

He works shifts, 4 nights, 3 days off (spent with his daughter and me) then 4 days, then another 4 days off spent with her again, and so on. So if he is off on a weekend, he has her. Before I met her, I would see him after he finished a day shift (about 7.30pm) but then he gets up at 4.30am for work next day. Nights we see each other for half an hour in the morning before I have work (unless it's a weekend) so we see a fair bit of each other, but it always feels rushed or he's tired or we're going out on a Monday night down the local because that's the only bit of time we have. We never have a weekend off work to ourselves, because we have her.

I certainly feel like I'm being pushed in to feeling a feeling that I simply don't have. I don't want to spend my entire weekend doing what she wants to do. It's boring, and it's mentally draining. I dread hearing her waking up because I know that's the day started, I want to just lie in bed with him on our own.

I feel awful, I want to love her and accept what we have, but I just can't seem to

OP’s posts: |
FinallyHere Mon 03-Sep-18 17:06:25

It's a pity you are focussing your resentment on the child, who is obviously blameless rather than on the man who just does not have enough time for you. Fair enough, in your shoes I would les d him to the parenting and find someone who does have time.

Meanwhile, enjoy your life unencumbered with children rather than resent the blameless child.

MattBerrysHair Mon 03-Sep-18 17:07:23

What is the residency arrangement? I assume you have moved in with your dp, so you must get some alone time with him on the days she is with her dm? I've been a step-parent with sole residency of dss. It didn't work and I asked dp and dss to move out. I also have my own dc who have a step-mother. Ex and I share 50/50 residency and his dp knew that if she chose to have a relationship with my ex then the dc came along as part of the package. She has said the having the week off from step-parenting (she probably has more childcare responsibilities than exh does) is perfect for them. They get to have quality couple time and a chance to recover!

Queenofthedrivensnow Mon 03-Sep-18 17:19:36

Please end the relationship. She deserves so much more. My exh has a partner who resents my children. It's heartbreaking for me

childlessstepmom Mon 03-Sep-18 17:20:25

Him and his ex share the residency, so she lives with him when he is not working. I have my own place, so he stays with me when he is at work. But he does 12 hour shifts, not the normal 9-5. I don't want to resent her at all, she's a smashing kid and has done absolutely nothing wrong. I just can't accept her and I don't look forward to 'family' time with her.

OP’s posts: |
childlessstepmom Mon 03-Sep-18 17:26:29

By the way, I don't openly resent her or treat her badly, we chat, we cuddle sometimes, we play, and I'm certain she feels happy with me and her dad. It's just that I don't and I'm doing all that stuff because I feel like I should, not because I enjoy it or want to. It's just not a real feeling of love, it feels forced from my side

OP’s posts: |
IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan Mon 03-Sep-18 17:39:19

So it sounds like you’re actually living with him? Why have you moved in with him? Why haven’t you retained your own home and social life?

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan Mon 03-Sep-18 17:43:22

Xpost. So you are living half the week at your place and half the week at his place? Why do intense?

Rosemary46 Mon 03-Sep-18 17:52:47

I think it’s unreasonable for anyone ( including you ) to expect you to love this child or want to spend all your free time with her. You’ve only knows her a short time, she’s not a relative, just the kids of someone you are dating.

You can’t help how you feel. . You have done nothing wrong and you can’t magic up maternal feelings for someone else kid and that’s fine. Lots of people can’t.

But it’s clear that you and your Bf don’t have a long term future together, because he comes with his daughter as a package.

You have three options. As far as I can see.

1. Keep going the way things are. Swallow your anger and resentment . You will all become unhappy .

2. Only see him for the small amount of child free time he has each week ( still more than many parents have )

3. End it. Not because of the child or your own feelings, but just because the lifestyles you want are not compatible.

I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation , there’s no easy answer I’m afraid.

swingofthings Mon 03-Sep-18 17:53:38

You want a relationship with a free man. You are entitled to this choice but this man is not free he is a father before anything else. If you are prepare to take the father with the man he isn't right for you. Love doesn't conquer all.

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan Mon 03-Sep-18 17:54:57

Why have you not chosen to resent his job? That’s the thing that’s eating up his social time.

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