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Stepson hating me(4 Posts)
Hello all, don't know where to begin! I've been with my partner 5 years now.. stepson was 7 when we met, my daughter 2 years old. My partner has taken my daughter on as if she were his, stepson lived with us 4 nights per week.
2 years ago, stepsons mother moved 200 miles away. Granted access once a fortnight and all holidays.
Once a fortnight soon stopped due to traveling issues.
Used to get on with stepson, treated him as my own to the point his mother was upset.
Recently we've only had him school holidays. He's been unbearable. Lying to me, rude, horrible to his step sister. He was meant to be here 3 weeks of the 6 week summer. His dad works full time.
Just found out he's staying an extra 1.5 weeks, and being honest, I cried. I don't know what to do. His mum is a witch, his dad oblivious, yet I'm the one looking after him, and being hated on!!!!
Any help welcomed
Has his dad not taken any time off work at all?
Have you spoken to your OH about the rudeness? He needs to speak to his son and tell him it's not acceptable behaviour.
Alternatively don't engage with him. Provide meals and leave him to it.
12yo boys can be hideous at the best of times (testosterone surge), and being a blended family won't help.
I'd tell your DP that his son's behaviour is not ok and has to stop. Just be careful to critize the behaviour, not his son (which will only put your DP on the defensive even if he secretly agrees with you). Tell him how upsetting you find it and how it's affecting you. Tell him you cried when you found out he was spending an extra week and a half with you. Tell him the situation cannot go on like this, you're at your wits end and need his help. Even if your DP can't see it himself, he will want to help resolve the problem.
I would also ask your step son what's bugging him. Why is he being so awful? Acting up might be his way of dealing with something that's upsetting him. Tell him you're there to help him, but by the same token you can't while he's behaving this way. It's affecting the entire family and that's not ok. Tell him that if he's more comfortable speaking to his Dad that's all good, but something has to change.
In the meantime, for your sanity, distance yourself emotionally as much as possible. When he lies, call him out on it, tell him it's unacceptable, you'll talk to him when he's being honest, but you're not interested in hearing lies, then leave the room/ignore him etc. If he's horrible to your daughter, again, call him out on it, say it's not ok, remove her from his presence. If he's rude or whatever, same thing applies. By the same token, if/when he does something good, no matter how small, let him know you've noticed, and appreciate it.
Thanks all! It's really getting bad. His Dad hasn't no, when he told me he was staying he said "he's no bother to you in the daytime is he?" We were on the phone, so I just said no.
I've distanced myself as you say, will feed him but that's it. Not nagging anymore at him to brush his teeth, wash, comb hair etc, all of which he doesn't do.
It's so hard as he's only here once every 2 months, so any hard work goes out the window soon as he's back with his mum. Then he returns this child who dislikes me!
It's purely jealousy and desperation for his dad's attention, of which he gets loads when he's here! I won't see stepson all day, soon as Dads home he emerges and won't leave his side. It's understandable but by god, I'm enduring the time. It makes me reluctant to do anything or take him out, simply because I don't want to. It may be childish on my part but if he was an adult or not my stepson, I'd have given it to him both barrels by now.
Not sure whether rocking the boat now is a good idea, or wait till he goes to chat to partner. I have a feeling that if I bring it up whilst he's here, partner will pick up on my attitude and I'll be to blame.
The other day we went for a meal with my grandparents, he proceeded to try and embarrass me the whole time we were out, with "Dad, remember when" stories, all aimed at me. Same story last night, I took myself off to the living room for a quiet evening, in walks him and his Dad. I have no sanctuary anywhere else!
Wearing thin, I'm tired and counting down the days... Should have been 1 😥