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Holidays wwyd?

(19 Posts)
RepealRepealRepeal Tue 21-Aug-18 12:25:40

I have 2 DC, teenage and preteen. DP has 2 toddler age DC.

We're looking at booking a week abroad next year. My DC have never been abroad on holiday so this is a big deal for them.

The thing is DPS DC won't be able to go. They haven't got passports, and DPS ex has issues when we take them for a day out, so would never agree to them going abroad for a week. Anytime she knows we have plans she cancels contact.

DP thinks we should book for the four of us and just go. He says that while it's unfair that his DC will miss out, it's more unfair that his ex could control us and my DC.

I mostly agree with him, but... I don't know. I know she'd never agree to them getting passports, coming with us, and she wouldn't even see it as them missing out on a holiday, because she doesn't think it's important for them to spend time with him/us. But I'm not sure what the right thing to do is in this situation.

Any advice or suggestions appreciated.

OP’s posts: |
TwistedStitch Tue 21-Aug-18 12:28:30

I think he should prioritize paying for mediation or legal advice over a holiday right now. Get contact established properly, including holiday times and then hopefully this won't be an issue going forward.

RepealRepealRepeal Tue 21-Aug-18 12:33:14

There's an ongoing court case. Our lives have been on hold for years, with very little progress. And honestly, she hasn't followed a court order yet, so we will never be able to take them abroad with us.

OP’s posts: |
YeTalkShiteHen Tue 21-Aug-18 12:34:43

He can apply for passports and get them if he has parental rights.

Also, you can take it to court if she refuses to allow them to go, unless she can provide a very good reason it’s unlikely that they’d refuse permission.

RepealRepealRepeal Tue 21-Aug-18 12:35:05

Also, our holiday this year was in the country. Despite the court order, they were unavailable.

OP’s posts: |
TwistedStitch Tue 21-Aug-18 12:36:44

How old are they? Does he have regular overnight contact?

Optimusprimesmother Tue 21-Aug-18 12:38:45

repeal just ask her.
Then you’ve asked. And then just go

RepealRepealRepeal Tue 21-Aug-18 12:43:01

Not regular. They're often sick, have appointments, signed up to activities, etc. He's back in court soon, but he's not holding out much hope. We've been told that the court are unlikely to place any actual sanctions on her.

The cancellation this year had no impact on us financially. The cost was the same regardless, but if we booked for them to go abroad and she cancelled, it would be different.

OP’s posts: |
Bimgy85 Tue 21-Aug-18 12:43:44

They're toddlers? I'd go ahead and book your family holiday. The ex can explain to them if they ask why they're not going. Because of mummy and daddy.

Anyway if they're toddlers they won't give a flying f, or even notice grin

TwistedStitch Tue 21-Aug-18 12:47:59

In that case it probably wouldn't be fair for two toddlers to be abroad away from their main carer if they aren't even used to regular overnights. He should focus on getting that established and go on holiday with you and your kids during a week where he doesn't have contact anyway (so he can't be accused of cancelling).

Chloecoconut Tue 21-Aug-18 12:51:27

I have 3 dc’s and a DSC who are all either teens or preteens. DSC has been asked to come on holiday with us for the last 3 years but has (been pressurised by their mum and) said no each time (despite it being ok for DSC to go abroad for 10 days with their mum, mum’s then bf and his kids) without their mum asking my DH if he minded swopping a weekend so DSC could go (he wouldn’t have minded but was told). We have sat down and shown DSC where we are going, tried to build up the number overnight stays (again blocked by mum) and they love the idea but get home and all of a sudden they say no. So we go anyway just me, DH and my kids anyway. It’s not like we could all go for a week in the UK as mum won’t allow that either. DCS will always know that they were invited and eventually they’ll realise the lengths their mum went to to stop them going on holiday with us.

So ask and go. You will have tried and if the mum wants to spite her own children then that’s her problem.

AnnieAnoniMoose Tue 21-Aug-18 13:06:48

Book your holiday and go. I expect your DC’s lives are already impacted by his ex’s actions, don’t allow her to spoil this opportunity too.

Don’t even tell her you are going and avoid discussing it around his DC.

His DC are toddlers, you’ll have plenty of opportunities for holidays with them once you have the legal stuff sorted out.

However, given you have had ‘years of this’ and his are now still ‘toddlers’, it would appear they separated when his were babies, whether you were the ow or not, are you sure you have the full picture and are being fair on her re contact time and holidays? And are you sure why they broke up? ‘She’s mad/controlling/a bitch...’ ARE sometimes true, but MORE often than not it’s more a case of ‘we had kids and I didn’t pull my weight/adapt/change and wanted my old life back’. Then they move in with a woman with kids. It’s a mindfuck. Just be mindful of her POV.

However, irrespective of his previous behaviour as a partner, IF he looks after his DC properly and isn’t neglectful or emotionally or physically abusive, the CHILDREN deserve contact time with their dad and getting that iron clad legally, is important.

NorthernSpirit Tue 21-Aug-18 14:14:33

Get a court ordered contact order. Your OH can apply himself, pay £215 and represent himself.

Don’t waste your time with mediation - the mother is using it as a stalking tactic.

When you mother breaches the contact order take her back to court. Do not let it slip - she’ll continue to mess around.

Your OH can apply for passports himself.

Regarding the holiday - this can be written into the contact order.

My OH’s EW is this same as your OH’s EW. An enforceable contact order is the only thing that has stopped her messing around. You can not reason with these women - they are so emotionally damaged they are not thinking about what’s best for the children (spending time with dad). It’s about hurting their EX.

My OH had 2 years of hell with his bitter EW stopping contact (when she felt like ‘punishing him’). He now has a contact order. When she breaches she gets taken to court and has to explain her actions to a judge.

He had a holiday booked for the kids. Had bought them passports, paid for the holiday (which the mum had agreed to in writing). The night before the holiday she emailed to say she had changed her mind and the kids wouldn’t be going.

He took her to court. She was investigated by SS and given a stern talking to by a judge who threaten that if she continued her behaviour ‘he would take the children off her and they would like with their father’.

The cost of the holiday for the children, the court ordered the mother was to pay back to the dad.

Apparently my OH is a ‘disgusting and pathetic individual for taking the children’s money’. You see what he is dealing with?

Court is the only way.

takeittakeit Tue 21-Aug-18 16:19:10

With toddler DCs - then your lives have not been on hold for "years" OP.

Agree with AnneMoose

RepealRepealRepeal Tue 21-Aug-18 21:10:15

There was no ow. They'd been separated for six months when we met.

There is a court order for contact, but she won't adhere to it.

I used to think that there's one story, the other story and the truth is somewhere in the middle. However in this case her story is complete fiction, and it changes depending on who she's talking to at the time. She goes with whatever story she thinks will get the most sympathy. I've read all the court documents, and even in them, her stories change, which has been noted by the court.

She's so focused on hurting my DP, that she doesn't think about how it's affecting the DC. Every report we've had says that they need more contact with him, but she doesn't agree. The latest cafcass mentioned her controlling nature, and her negative attitude towards DP. It basically said that she says what she thinks people want to hear, but she will never follow a court order for contact on a reasonable basis.

I think blending families is difficult, but when the ex is against the DC even seeing their dad regularly, it makes much more difficult. DP and I are constantly second guessing ourselves and wondering how to make the best decisions for all the DC.

OP’s posts: |
Aprilshowersinaugust Tue 21-Aug-18 21:13:58

When my exh did similar I did have holidays with new dh +other younger dc.
In time ds's went nc with their twat df and now holiday with us all. They know why things were the way they were and that it was never my choice they weren't included in my plans. Your dc are entitled to a fun childhood. In time things may change for you also.

NorthernSpirit Tue 21-Aug-18 21:46:50

Every time she breaches, take her back to court. Your OH can represent himself and it costs £215.

Judges do not like their court orders breached (doesn’t matter what her story is).

ACatsNoHelpWithThat Wed 22-Aug-18 13:32:40

I agree with your DP, you should book for the four of you. Toddlers won't know or care about holidays but I doubt your older DC will thank you if they miss out. What are you going to do, never take them away? And do you think it's fair on your DC to be limited to places/restaurants/activities that will keep two toddlers entertained, it's not like they're your DC's siblings and you have to pull together. Don't make your DC suffer for the sake of you wanting to play happy families.

user1493413286 Wed 22-Aug-18 13:44:06

I would just go; we had similar with DSDs mum at first and we would go away anyway. Once DSD was a bit older she agreed to a week away in the UK then we worked up to going abroad.
At this stage with the children so young I’d save your energy/money to pursue it in court when they’re older if she’s still against it

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