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Help me to help my SC like me(8 Posts)
I just really need some help with this. I've been with my bf for a few years and we've lived together for about half that time. My kids like and respect him. He is a lovely laid back man and he does alot of the things a dad would do for their kids, including helping with homework and cooking their meals etc. My kids live with us full time. My SC stay one night a week. It used to be two but their mum suggested in the week that he collected them from school and took them out for quality time before bringing them home to her, as there is a short motorway journey between our homes and they were having to leave early the next morning for school.
Now we have a situation where one of his kids refuses to come and stay at all and another one clearly cannot stand me. The third SC and I had an incident where he hit my son with a stick in the throat and I went mad with him. However we have spent time together since, I've explained why I was so cross and I've said we can have a fresh start from then on and it seems to have cleared the air and we get on much better.
I've posted before about the fact I'm strict. I don't think I'm overly so but I do expect manners at the table, please and thank you, going to bed at reasonable time with no phone access for the older kids. I think alot of this stuff just doesn't happen in the SC's home.
I think this is probably a big part of why I'm not popular with two of my SC. I think the mum probably says negative stuff about me too.
I get that my children live with my SC's dad and they must find that very hard. I encourage my bf to have 121 time with each of his children and I stay out of the way to allow this. I am trying hard to bond with them but I just get nowhere.
I can't do the whole 'just be a friend' bit with my SC as all the kids in my house are expected to use manners and be kind to each other, so I do say things if this doesn't happen but on the whole I let my bf be the main discipliner of his kids and I discipline mine.
I'm just not sure how to get his kids to get on with me. I'm not into forcing them and I understand it could take time but I just don't know where to go from here.
Might they just never like me? I suppose even being tolerated would be better.
I'm afraid there is no easy solution. You can't force them to like you, and the harder you try, the less they'll respect you. Of course you can't be their friend, well, maybe when they are adults with children of their own but certainly not while they are children.
You also can't force them to like your kids, or for your kids to like them. All you can do is treat them equally and fairly and not cause any additional resentment. Don't forget you and your partner have chosen this, your respective kids didn't. They are in a kind of "this is the way it is, like it or lump it" type situation and naturally, that can cause some angst which the step parent tends to wear. I know it's hard, but try not to take it to heart.
All you can do is to keep on doing what you're doing and be consistent. Firm but fair. Don't let them get to you or rattle you and don't let their behaviour come between you and your partner. The kids will come round in their own time. Even if their Mother is being toxic in the background, they'll eventually see that what she's saying doesn't match what they're seeing.
If you're strict and your SCs parents aren't...you'll probably continue having this problem.
As a child I didn't like Aunts who were strict when we visited them and would feign illness to be left at home.
So I definitely wouldn't want to see a strict SM and wouldn't like her very much.
If you insist on not being a friend or a nice Auntie, then I don't see things changing.
Even though you are strict doesn't mean you can't be nice. What are their approximate ages?
I am nice! I try and get to know them, make a fuss of things they bring with them or art etc they do here. We go for days out and I am involved and interested in what they say.
I say strict because I expect manners and politeness but actually I don't think that's much to Ask. I expect all the kids to respect other people and their things. Again, pretty normal.
@Blending thanks I hadn't seen your reply before. Appreciate your thoughts
We're very lucky on that the kids all get in really well, so the sticking point is just me