AIBU? Set bedtimes

[Struggling345]

Hi,

I previously posted on here before about my two SC (two girls) and my OH being idle when it comes to their care. Since then I have had a discussion with my OH about how I help as much as I can but ultimately they are his responsibility and I don't expect to be doing everything and it went well - he has made vast improvements since. The one thing he does seem to be unwilling to change that I don't quite understand though is bedtimes. 6&8 SC go to bed as late as 11 every night we have them irrelevant of what's happening the next day (school, me working early, a morning trip out) And by "bed", I mean they are sent to their room with access to a Nintendo switch, netflix and tablets for as long as they wish with the main light left on all night. My question - is this normal. I don't have children myself and to me I'd be reading them a story around 8-9pm (for those ages) removing screen access and turning off the light to enforce sleep. I work late shifts in a call centre as a manager most of the time and I'm out early in the morning most of the time too (days off we spend taking out SC) so night time is the only time I feel that I have child free to relax and watch something that's not for kids or have a glass of prosecco. Apart from when they are at their mums of course but as I work full time and they are there every weekend I feel it's fair I should get some time to myself/with OH between 9-11pm (all joking aside this seriously affects our sex life as I'm exhausted by 11-12 and they are generally still awake and I feel uncomfortable that they might hear us). Sometimes I hear the Nintendo on to 3-4am. It disrupts my sleep and makes me feel like I don't get any leisure time in my home that isn't kiddy focused. I love my SC and proposed to OH we take away screens after a certain point at night to which he said no he'll just ask them to be quieter (unsurprisingly this didn't work as they get excitable easy and share a room). They are up and down all night too. Is this a personal preference thing? As a non parent can I ask how other peoples bed time routines work? Tyi

[mollyblack]

No this is not normal for such young kids, even in summer hols and weekends this is too late and unstructured.

My DH would also never put the kids to bed and prefers the lazy bastard approach.

I think your strategy in terms of storis and times etc sounds about right.

I'm not sure how you can make him behave differently though.

[Clairetree1]

your way may be better for them, but the trouble is, its not up to you, is it.

[HeckyPeck]

There is no way that either or them would be getting any decent sleep.

Does he not care about that or is he just too lazy to do anything about it?

Either way it’s really shit parenting & I’d struggle to respect someone that doesn’t care about thei own children’s sleep.

[lunar1]

Ill never understand how someone can fall for such a crappy parent

[PotteringAlong]

No, not normal. I’d even say that 8-9pm was too late. My 6 year old is in bed for 7, lights off 7.30. My 4 year old is already asleep (my 18 month old is faffing around but that’s a different story... )

[GreasyFryUp]

@Clairetree1 but in a way it is up to OP. It's impacting on her life not just the kids.

I couldn't stand for this. It's not helping the kids staying up so late. If he refuses to change this I'd seriously reconsider the relationship. Hope you aren't thinking of having kids with him?

[JacNaylor]

My six year old (almost) is in bed at 7pm. If he's later on a regular basis his mood and behaviour suffer hugely. Sleep for children is not an optional extra, it's a necessity. Like love, food, water and clothing. If he were failing to provide other necessities you'd raise the roof. Although I sympathise with your need for "me time" I'd set that aside whilst discussing the issue with him otherwise it becomes about you and not about them. I'd find out what time they go to bed when they're with their mum, arm yourself with some basic facts about the amount of sleep that children their age need and the impact of not getting enough, then sit him down for a frank discussion about not ensuring a good night's sleep.

[InfiniteCurve]

That's ridiculous and bad parenting - children need sleep to function and learn.
Personally regardless of whether I felt I had the right to sort bedtimes for stepchildren I would be into their rooms like a shot removing anything I could hear that kept me awake.And telling noisy children to be quiet.Sleep deprivation =torture,IMO.

[HerRoyalNotness]

That’s awful parenting. My 8 yo goes at 8.15 for a story then bed at 8.30. 11yo follows at 9. Absolutely no screens allowed in the bedroom. If they can’t sleep they can read a book or stare at the ceiling.

[RandomMess]

It's awful the impact on the DSC will be detrimental!

Could you find out from their Mum their usual bedtime etc and insist it is much healthier for the DSC that this is consistent. I suspect exhaustion is causing bad behaviour at some point during the week!

[TittyGolightly]

My six year old (almost) is in bed at 7pm. If he's later on a regular basis his mood and behaviour suffer hugely. Sleep for children is not an optional extra, it's a necessity.

My 7 year old has always been an owl. As an I. As a baby she slept midnight till noon. At 6 she went to bed at about 8:30pm to be asleep for about 9/9:15pm on a school night. She just can’t sleep early on in the evening. She’d still get all the sleep she needed before needing to get up for school. Last thing I ever wanted was a child awake at 5 or 6am every morning.

During the holidays she’s been going to bed anywhere between 10pm and midnight. She’s out like a light and getting her 10 hours in easily. No screens in the room and no watching them elsewhere within an hour of bed.

Lots of people seem to think that going to bed late means not enough sleep. It usually just means getting up later in the morning.

[RandomMess]

@TittyGolightly I think you can agree much depends on their routine with their Mum. Some DC need far less sleep than others but having no sleep routine is not going to help!

[SleepingStandingUp]

What do they do when with mom op?

If this is their usual routine then it must be impacting in school.
If it's just DisneyDadding then does Mom know? Surely she'd also be pissed off?

They need some proper boundaries but he needs to be on board.

What time do they get up the next day?

[LockedOutOfMN]

No screens. Bedtime is 11 hours before the latest possible time they need to be awake the next morning. A few books they can look at in bed (with a little lamp beside the bed) after main light goes out at bedtime. Remind them to use the toilet before lights out.

[TittyGolightly]

@TittyGolightly I think you can agree much depends on their routine with their Mum. Some DC need far less sleep than others but having no sleep routine is not going to help!

I wouldn’t say we had a sleep routine other than the must haves like PJs on, teeth brushed. The timing moves around depending on lots of different factors.

[RandomMess]

As someone who struggles with sleep all expert advice will advise you to keep to routine and times, yes the occasional late night is fine but shifting bedtime up to 3 hours several times per week is crazy and not good and likely to mess up your body's melatonin production.

[Aprilshowersinaugust]

Ask him how he expects them to get any qualifications at school with being too tired to concentrate at school.

[TittyGolightly]

shifting bedtime up to 3 hours several times per week is crazy

Where has the OP suggested that is happening?

[TittyGolightly]

I can’t see anywhere where the OP guests the children are tired.....?

The OP has only talked about the impact on her.....

[SleepingStandingUp]

Well yes she seems more concerned about the two nights a week she can't have sex rather than their tiredness but logic suggests that unless they sleep all day they aren't getting enough sleep

[Rebecca36]

Tittygolightly, I'm with you all the way! Mine never went to bed early, neither got up early which was fine with me. Nice to have a lie in. We all managed to get to work and school though and were quite healthy.

[MollysMummy2010]

Titty - I am kind of with you on this but my 8 yo after a week of gymnastics camp was in bed at 8 tonight and has gone to sleep. If she wasn’t tired I would be more flexible during holidays but not term time as she is miserable.
Claire - having seen you all over threads this evening I think you need a night out.

[SandyY2K]

As your OH isn't willing to do anything about it, I'd wear earplugs and say no sex on the nights they stay unless the kids are in bed on time.

He's not acting in their best interests by allowing thrm to stay up that late.

[Bella898]

Oh no, he's setting them up for a life time of insomnia!

[NorthernSpirit]

I’m a SM, don’t have children of my own but 6 & 8 year old kids staying up until 11pm is way too late.

Kids that age need circa 9 - 11 hours sleep (and I bet they aren’t waking up at 8 am - 10am)? So they are sleep deprived.

And it’s important that you as a couple get some adult time.