He lied about his kids and I hate them for it

(137 Posts)
BoffinAu Sat 18-Aug-18 15:13:02

I feel like the worst person in the world. My husband has three kids. Twin boys who are 8 and another boy 11 maths younger, so is 7. I have three boys of my own, one the same age as the twins (to the day), a four year old and a nine year old.
My husbands twins were born at 24 weeks. They've got issues. A lot of them. And he lied to me at the start of our relationship about them. Told me no problems from being premmie. They are both significantly on the spectrum, still wet the bed, struggle to communicate. The younger one has only ever been held to their standard so isn't faring much better.

I hate having them here. My 9 year old spends every other weekend at his dad's, then stays at a friend's when the step kids are here. He can't stand them. There is such a glaring difference between my 8 year old and his, but it's taboo to discuss it. Yet it impacts every decision about what we do etc. His ex is crazy. As soon as she found out we were together, she faked having multiple sclerosis.

His kids make more work for me. I hate that he thinks they're perfect but screams at mine. Tonight I lost it and told the 5 that were here to clean up their mess(mine included) and his did nothing. One literally stood there holding his penis through his pants.

I hate the angry person I've become but I can't stand the situation or them. They are manipulative, slow, and so much work.!!

What on earth can I do??

OP’s posts: |
ZigZagIntoTheBlue Sat 18-Aug-18 15:14:28

Split up - your families aren't compatible!

RoseTheHatt Sat 18-Aug-18 15:15:21

Split up.

scrumplepaper Sat 18-Aug-18 15:15:58

I would split up. You have years and years of this to go and it's a massive incompatibility.

Loopytiles Sat 18-Aug-18 15:18:06

Split up. You clearly don’t want to be a step parent of DC with additional needs.

SummerStrong Sat 18-Aug-18 15:19:22

Get out of this relationship. The situation is untenable and toxic for your DC.

PinkCherryBlossomTree Sat 18-Aug-18 15:20:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.


crimsonlake Sat 18-Aug-18 15:21:26

This is why I would never get involved with a man who has children under the age of 18 years. Mine are at uni and I do not want to go helping bring up someone else's children, been there done that. Quite apart from the fact had I have met someone with children when mine were younger ( which I did for a time, which was a mistake ) I certainly would not have moved them in, my children came first and I did not want to submit them to any more upheaval.

ASAS Sat 18-Aug-18 15:22:22


Don't want to make things worse but if you read your OP I doubt you'll like what you see in yourself. But for your own sanity split, you must feel like you barely see your 9 year old.

Hugely unfair of your husband to have lied about this.

Take care

viques Sat 18-Aug-18 15:22:53

Are you actually married? Had you not met the children and realised their problems before you married? I understand that they are very hard work emotionally and physically, but if you did know about them and their SN before you committed to the relationship then you are being mean to be blaming them for something they have no control over when it is you and your oh who have made the decision to blend your families.

If you can't cope/deal with them then you need to be looking at ways to get out of the relationship. Things are not going to magically change, though they could improve, so can you bear the the thought of the next 20 or so years, maybe more, of supporting his boys?

BoffinAu Sat 18-Aug-18 15:23:19

It's not just the asd. There's a 20year difference in the ages of my husband and his ex. She's never worked, no rules at her place... They act like animals. I hate the inconsistency in expectations between his kids and mine. He holds mine to unrealistic standards, while his pee themselves!

OP’s posts: |
BoffinAu Sat 18-Aug-18 15:24:22

He didn't have contact with them for a couple of years. So no, I didn't know when we got married.

OP’s posts: |
annandale Sat 18-Aug-18 15:24:23

Six kids wiuld be a huge strain on any relationship, especially 6 under 9 years old. But fundamentally you should each be putting your kids first, and this is not working.

Move out. If you love each other, how about continuing to see him but not live together? But it sounds like there is too much water under the bridge. I would be wary of living with anyone with three such young children of your own.

Quodlibet Sat 18-Aug-18 15:26:08

Totally off topic but if there's 11m between the twins and their younger sibling, does this mean the ex was pregnant again before the twins were even 'term'?! That's pretty bonkers in itself if my maths is right.

I agree, it sounds like your families are incompatible.

Branleuse Sat 18-Aug-18 15:26:47

He hates your kids, you hate his kids. The kids hate each other. Cant imagine your romantic relationship makes up for it.
Are you expecting some sort of divine reward for living like this. Just fucking split already.

BoffinAu Sat 18-Aug-18 15:27:58

Yes, the twins were still in hospital. I always hear different versions of the story, but at the end of the day, she gets a truckload of money, doesn't work and uses the kids as pawns. And we suffer for it, because when they are here, they're treated like gods gifts.

OP’s posts: |
viques Sat 18-Aug-18 15:28:45

i didn't know when we got married

You married a man with three young children and had never met them?

Gingertam Sat 18-Aug-18 15:29:17

Agree with scrum. You will have years of this. You will have somebody that will come on here saying you should make an effort but I wouldn't. Put your own kids first. This situation is miserable for them not just you. Your husband is totally out of order.

HonkyWonkWoman Sat 18-Aug-18 15:29:34

I think that you will have to split up, it's too much for you to deal with and it is really not fair on your 9 year old.

auntyflonono Sat 18-Aug-18 15:30:06

He screams and your children and had driven one away. It's not working. Are you married?

sourpatchkid Sat 18-Aug-18 15:30:10

Sorry but you're slagging his ex rotten when he sounds like the wanker here. He lied, he shouts at your kids unnecessarily and he had no contact with his own kids when you married?! Stop focusing on her and focus on the wanker man you married.

Baumederose Sat 18-Aug-18 15:30:56


MattBerrysHair Sat 18-Aug-18 15:33:09

Definitely start the separation process. I had to ask dp and dss17 to leave in the Spring as it just wasn't working. I was growing to resent Dss a lot as he was smoking and dealing weed and creating lots of mess. I was furious and felt that they'd both been dishonest about dss' behavioural issues, as if I wouldn't notice! He actually has a really sad history with quite a bit of trauma and there's no surprise he now acts up the way he does. Nevertheless, I wasn't the right person to mentor him through it and I had two young dc to protect, so he and his dad had to find somewhere else to live.

Floralnomad Sat 18-Aug-18 15:34:05

You need to focus all your anger at the correct person and that is your partner .

ThanksHunkyJesus Sat 18-Aug-18 15:34:42

Split up. Your husband is not a good man and you're a terrible stepmum.

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