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Not wanting to be free childcare?

(80 Posts)
espoleta Fri 17-Aug-18 18:31:26

My DP and I have a DD who is 9 months old. He has two boys (8&10) from his previous relationship who are with us 60% of the time. Generally things work really well.

We both have approved flexible working requests. He has his before we had DD which means he needs to be home at 6 three times a week as the after school nanny finishes up at 6. On two of the days he has DSS he picks up DD from nursery. I work 4 days a week

Recently he has started to turn up later and later on his non nursery days when he is still meant to be home at 6. Often the nanny has plans and doesn't want to stay over her allotted hours so leaves DSS with me. Fine, I don't have a problem if he runs late a bit. But I still have a 9 month old to feed, bath, get to bed. But now I feel like he's taking the piss.

Wednesday- home at 7. I had 4 kids to take care of.
Thursday- 6:30
Friday- still not home.

It's now a regular event. It's expected I'm just here to provide childcare. This school holiday he's just informed me that he needs to leave before the nanny arrives (and I need to get the baby to nursery and get to work) or the he won't be home at 6 so I'll need to take care is DSS.

I'm pissed off! I'm not his free childcare!

- oh. And I have a good relationship with the SC, this is not about them it's about DP.

OP’s posts: |
Sisterlove Fri 17-Aug-18 20:08:52

It's probably best to tell him this doesn't work for you and you aren't happy with the frequency he's not around.

Start as you mean to go on, or it will become an expectation.

lunar1 Fri 17-Aug-18 20:23:10

Can the nanny work till 7 if he has to be in work longer

takeittakeit Fri 17-Aug-18 22:59:09

Sorry - think you are being completely unreasonable.
at 60% the kids are resident with you and you are begrudging the odd 30 mins to an hour and you employ a nanny to provide after school child care on your days.

Seriously - you are not a family and your tone and attitude seriously suck. Families work together and you do not want this family to work together,

fuzzywuzzy Fri 17-Aug-18 23:03:24

What’s his reason for suddenly not being available?

What would he do if you told him you were busy with work and not going to be able to do it either?

I feel sorry for the nanny, she might leave if this continues as it’s not her working hours.

SandyY2K Sat 18-Aug-18 01:09:47

It will start with half an hour late, then become longer...

abbsisspartacus Sat 18-Aug-18 01:13:30

They are his children not joint children he is taking the piss

AmICrazyorWhat2 Sat 18-Aug-18 01:33:26

Just to clarify: does his flexible working request ( being able to get home by 6) apply to just the three days when he does the pick-ups, or is it supposed to be five days a week?

If it's only for three days, I don't think it's unreasonable for him to be later on the two other days, as he may need to finish things up, etc.

I'd ask him hi why he's having to work longer hours ATM- is there a major project, or are loads of people on holiday so he's having to cover? If there's a reasonable answer, fair enough, you'll need to decide whether to ask the nanny to stay longer (or you'll have to cover). I can see why you're PO'ed that he announced, rather than discussed, though!

Is he especially busy - I'd ask him why he needs to work longer My DH seldom gets home at the same time two days in a row!
It totally depends what's happening work-wise. Is DH in the middle of a major project at the moment, hence the need to work longer hours?

I'm part-time, so I'm more consistent- but DH held the fort for a while tonight as I wanted to finish up a project.

AmICrazyorWhat2 Sat 18-Aug-18 01:34:41

Sorry, I messed up that post, hope it makes some limited sense. I haven't been on the wine.grin

swingofthings Sat 18-Aug-18 07:17:52

You can't be serious to be pissed off just because he is late by an hour or less! Is that how inflexible you are with each other? I could understand if he was going out after work and not home until 1pm, but if he is late by this time, it sounds it is either because of traffic or having to finish some work.

I feel sorry for him if after a long day, he comes home and then gets grief from you because he is late. HIs kids are 8 and 10, surely you don't need to do anything for them during this hour, they can just watch tv or play.

WhiteCat1704 Sat 18-Aug-18 08:32:12

feel sorry for him if after a long day, he comes home and then gets grief from you because he is late. HIs kids are 8 and 10, surely you don't need to do anything for them during this hour, they can just watch tv or play.

What about feeling sorry for the OP who after long day is left on her own with 2kids and 1 baby and her OH didn't even bother to let her know?

8 and 10 year olds need care and attention too.

Chucklecheeks1 Sat 18-Aug-18 09:20:54

One thing I've noticed on this board is that the response varies to always allow the step parent to be in the right, even when they are not.

They range from 'you're the step parent and get just as much say' to 'they're not your kids so let her/him sort them'.

Which one is it? Are the step kids part of your family or not? I have two step kids and when in our family home they are treated no different than my two. If my partner is late I have all four kids. It's no big deal.

They came as a package which i chose to become involved with. He is the same with mine, does drop offs, collects etc.

My work finishes when its done. It could be 4pm or 6pm. Then with commute again it varies by up to an hour. Its out of my control and id hate my partner to be bitching about having the kids because of it.

If OP seriously can't cope extend the nanny but your tone when speaking about the step kids makes me glad your not my childrens Step parent.

crimsonlake Sat 18-Aug-18 09:29:40

Strange one, you have a nanny and you are complaining that you have to look after the DSS by yourself for up to an hour? Is this not supposed to be a partnership? Should not all children in the household be treated equally? I feel sorry for the DSS if you see them as too much of a burden for such a short amount of time to be left as their sole carer.

WhiteCat1704 Sat 18-Aug-18 09:36:13

All of thouse screaming about SC being part of the family..well you let your partners come and go as they please while you take care of the joint children? Really??
It's not step parenting issue at all..it's DP taking a piss and not pulling his weight with all 3 children..makes it worse that 2 are only his but it's not really about that

ohreallyohreallyoh Sat 18-Aug-18 09:43:21

Is he in the kind of role where you can’t just walk out at 5pm? Is he senior enough to need to sometimes sort things before he leaves?

Are you upset about being left with all the children or just the step kids? Are you struggling to cope or is it resentment that you are coping alone?

You could demand he finds a nanny with more flexibility but you need to weigh up the costs vs. family budget vs. damage done to your relationship over a relatively short period of time. How are you going to manage your own child as she grows? What impression do you want your step kids to have of you? That you resented them or did your best to accommodate them regardless? Are you going to be resentful of looking after your own child at age 8 when your partner is later than anticipated or will you be OK with it?

You need to be asking these questions of yourself and then looking critically at your answers.

Chucklecheeks1 Sat 18-Aug-18 09:49:51

But its worse that 2 are only his 🙄

Again why would it matter? Her issue is with her partner NOT the step kids. BUT OP post screams its looking after the step kids causing her issue.

AnneLovesGilbert Sat 18-Aug-18 09:49:51

How much looking after do the DSS need at that age? I can’t imagine it’s active childcare as such. Mine are around that age and with a snack and a book or some Lego or the tv they occupy themselves.

The lack of communication and him taking you for granted is a separate issue and it is an issue. You work too and must be tired juggling things. It’s not for him to dictate to you what’s happening, of course you’re annoyed.

It doesn’t sound to me like you resent the DSS but their dad and that’s understandable. People are getting their backs up about the phrasing of “free childcare” I think. When we have my DSC here DH wants to spend time with them but I also have them on own sometimes and at this age, especially of a mid week evening, they don’t need much from me and I see them as being in their home, not me doing childcare.

lunar1 Sat 18-Aug-18 09:57:12

Who is the 4 th child you ended up looking after?

Flipflop789 Sat 18-Aug-18 10:00:32

Just from another angle (not trying to be an arse) but if they are spending a lot of time with a nanny and their dad is working later and later....could they not be spending 60% with their mum? Aware there may be reasons they arent doing so already

secre Sat 18-Aug-18 10:03:46

"Who is the 4 th child you ended up looking after?"

Maybe her dp? grin

flowery Sat 18-Aug-18 10:06:03

It reads from your post as though for the 60% of time the DSC are living with you, you want there to be two forms of childcare at all times (either nanny and you or both parents) because you are only prepared to be the responsible present adult for the DC who is biologically yours.

Hopefully I am wrong!

IWannaSeeHowItEnds Sat 18-Aug-18 10:09:41

Agree that this is not about step children, but about a man doing what suits him and exoecting everyone else to just accommodate him. The nanny has agreed hours and it's not her problem to fix. The children are not the OP's and he shouldn't be just assuming that she will pick up his responsibilities - it's polite to ask, no?

Working parents with dc in childcare have to leave work on time to get their dc. What makes this father so bloody special that parenting rules don't apply to him?

WhiteCat1704 Sat 18-Aug-18 10:10:47

*But its worse that 2 are only his 🙄

Again why would it matter? Her issue is with her partner NOT the step kids. BUT OP post screams its looking after the step kids causing her issue.*

Emm..It matters because if your OH is a jerk you can't abandon your own child. It's called parental responsibility. Something the OP doesn't have towards step children.
Presumably she is taking care of SC FOR her partner....

It's MUCH easier to take care of your own one child than 3 where 2 aren't yours..MUCH easier.

Iswallowtoothpaste Sat 18-Aug-18 10:22:53

You’re being completely unreasonable chewing the fat over an extra hour or so.

The dynamic of your blended family is that you have the boys 60% of the time which is the majority - you cannot begrudge the extra hour here or there.

We have DSD every weekend and probably around 75% of all school holidays. On the day tha we picked DSD up at the start of the summer holidays, DP’s ex announces that she isn’t having DSD at all during the holidays after initially agreeing to has her for 2 weeks.

I’ve had to take two weeks holiday to accommodate for this due to being much worse off when childcare is paid.

I wish that all we had to worry about was an extra hour!

SlipperySlipper Sat 18-Aug-18 10:23:08

The DP has not only abandoned the previous agreement to be back at 6 but now doesn't even bother to let the OP know that he's running late. He is taking her for granted - and I would say the same even if all 3 children were the OP's.

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