Tormenting myself, anxiety & Ex

[CakeAndTea1]

Me and DP have been TTC for some time now. We've experienced a couple of losses and it's just been a heartbreaking experience.

I've been suffering from quite severe anxiety recently and it always seems to centre around my relationship.

This will probably sound incredibly silly but it's something I can't seem to shift at the moment.

I just feel utterly useless in comparison to DPs ex! He has 2 children with her. Both nearly 10 so quite some time ago. I feel inferior because I can't seem to give him a child like she could. It physically hurts to think about it.

I tell myself he must have loved her more because they experienced having a child together but then as I don't have my own I worry I'm just imagining everything with rose tinted glasses.

Logically I know they had their problems and I know DP was massively hurt by her but it worries me so much that he'll go back. He's never given me a reason to think this either but my head just won't stop torturing me about it.

I think they have such wonderful memories together of their children and it just makes me feel pathetic in comparison.

I have a great relationship with the SC. Weirdly I find it easy to be around them even when going through these horrible times. But I get some awful gut wrenching feeling that I'm not 'as good' as his ex because my body isn't working the way it should.

It's eating away at me and I feel so ridiculous.

[flamingofridays]

oh cake

please don't feel like that, people are not rated on their ability to have children. Nobody is better than you because their body has been able to carry a pregnancy.

You sound like a wonderful woman, and stepmum. If he loved her more, he would have stayed with her. He is with you because he loves you. Please don't feel he loves you less because of the losses.

I am so sorry for your losses. Have you thought about where you go from here? will you keep trying?

Dp and his ex had two children together, now they cannot even have a civil conversation. Love is not based on whether you have had children together believe me x

[lunar1]

I suffered from Infertility for a very long time. Look around at some of the people who are able to conceive! It's absolutely no reflection on you.

You have you own bonds with your partner, different but no less important than the ones he once shared with his ex.

He sees what you are going through, and yet are still able to help him create a loving stable home for his children. You are able to separate your own feelings and not push that onto your stepchildren.

I'd say you are doing an amazing job and your partner will love you all the more for caring for his children. You have nothing to feel inadequate over.

I hope thing improve for you, infertility is a horrendous thing to go through.

[CakeAndTea1]

Thank you both. I feel really silly saying (or typing!) it out loud but it's been causing me such bad stress recently.

I think it stems from a sense of guilt I feel about the losses and the feeling that it's my fault so maybe he'd be better off with someone else, though I know he doesn't see it that way.

I think I may be pregnant again to be honest though I've not tested through fear. I don't even want to tell him. I hate going round in this circle of seeing the happiness in his eyes only for my body to snatch it away again shortly after. I feel like I'm failing.

[lunar1]

I had quite a few losses, it's so hard. For some reason the only two pregnancies that stuck were from fertility treatments. I've no idea why that made it different. Tell your Dh, you need the support.

[swingofthings]

difficulty getting pregnant/sustaining a pregnancy is extremely tough psychologically and will indeed start messing with your head. You are conscious that your fears are unfunded you just been through psychological distress and you are trying to hold on. Don't worry, things will turn out ok and all that anxiety will wash away.

Wishing you good luck and hope that you come back in 9 months with a great update.

[CakeAndTea1]

Thanks both.

I feel like my body is against me completely. Physically with the losses and now this mental torture I keep putting myself through.

I really do try with the kids. I enjoy their company and they do help me to forget for a while. Sometimes though just the little niggling feelings creep in when they are talking about their mum etc... It worries me so much that I'll never hear someone call me mummy.

The way I feel right now, I don't think I'd want to live if that were my future.